A soccer miscellany compiled by MARY HANNIGAN

"Please, please, I said, I don't want to play against the maestro. He is my teacher. Almost everything I've learned in football, I learned from him. I like to speak with him, to learn from him and to eat with him, but not to play against him." – Italian manager Cesare Prandelli, gutted after drawing Giovanni Trapattoni (and Ireland).

Hard pill to swallow: Maradona has his say

WHEN Pele waxed lyrical recently about the talents of Brazilian legend-in-the-making Neymar, and declared he was a “more complete” player than Lionel Messi, you sensed Diego Maradona might have something to say on the matter. And he did too.

Could Neymar even surpass Pele one day? “Better than me? Maybe, but there will never be another Pele,” Pele blushed. “But I have said this before and will repeat: I will pass my crown on to the best. And he is the best.”

Enter Diego. “He took the wrong pill,” he said. “Instead of taking the pill for before bedtime, he took his morning pill. He got confused and he doesn’t know what he’s saying. I suggest that next time he takes the right medication before he starts to speak, and that he changes his doctor.”

Redknapp's brand new lease of life: Heart operation gives Harry a fresh pep in his step

" I feel really good. I have been chasing Sandra around the kitchen a lot. She is saying 'can we reverse this process?' Nah, that's not true, but . . .".

– Harry Redknapp sharing way, way too much information while telling the world he’s a new man after his heart surgery.

" It's a huge honour to wear the number seven at Liverpool. I think about the legends: Dalglish, Keegan . . . and that Australian guy."

– Liverpool’s Luis Suarez on King Kenny, King Kev (and Prince Harry Kewell).

" I am sorry but it is true. (My brother) Kolo tells me, 'Yaya, you're stupid . . . why are you listening to this silly music? It's not good for your image'."

– Manchester City’s Yaya Toure revealing a dark secret: he’s a Whitney Houston fan.

" This guy Warnock talks a lot of s**t and everyone knows he talks a lot of s**t. Every time we see him on TV he talks s**t."

– El Hadji Diouf, now starring at Doncaster Rovers, poo-pooing all over QPR supremo Neil Warnock.

" You feel like watching his matches from behind the sofa – it's the nightmare that doesn't seem to end."

– Andy Townsend on Fernando Torres’ Chelsea trials.

" He will go where he is offered the most money. Once you are well into your thirties you have to go to a club where you can be certain you'll be able to pay your bills."

– Didier Drogba’s agent Thierno Seydi on his client’s next move. Drogba currently only earns about €140,000-a-week, so the unpaid bills must be mounting.

32 reasons: To be red-faced

DOG ROUGH

MANCHESTER United midfielder Anderson has a lot of time on his hands these days after picking up a knee injury that has ruled him out until February.

As luck would have it, though, eight new arrivals in his home have kept him occupied, thanks largely to a slight misunderstanding with a dog breeder. When Anderson purchased two Burnese Mountain dogs a while back he was under the impression they were both lads, but after hearing the pitter-patter of 32 tiny furry feet the penny dropped: one of them was, indeed, a she.

"He's been asking the lads if they fancy a dog – they all think it's hilarious," a mysterious United "source" revealed to the Daily Mail."He's even approached people in parks while walking the dogs to see if he can find any takers. But at the moment he's stuck with them and these things grow to be enormous. He'll have to buy a castle to house them all." If you want one, drop a line to Old Trafford. He'll probably even deliver it to your door.

Seville place: You'd want to be a right mug to do this!

NUMBERS GAME

WHICH one of us hasn’t dreamt of having our face appear on the back of the shirt of a Seville player?

Well, dream no more, for a mere €24.90 you can have a 2x2 millimetre picture of your mug placed on a square on the number of one of these shirts, and it’s entirely up to yourself which player you’d like to sport your face.

Just go to Seville’s website and take your pick. Each number can contain over 3,000 photos, which will bring in almost €80,000 per shirt.

The numbers of star men like Alvaro Negredo Sanchez and Diego Perotti are filling up nicely, but, sadly, we noted that defender Federico Fazio has only one of his 3,000 slots filled.

Wouldn’t you think his Ma, Da or Granny would buy a couple?

Behind every great team lies a 'shitty city'

T was only last April that Jacqueline De Laurentiis, wife of Napoli owner Aurelio, gave a “manual” to the wives and girlfriends of the club’s players with tips on how to keep their men relaxed and happy during the club’s title run-in with AC and Inter Milan.

“Behind every great man stands a great woman,” it read, “we are counting on you for these last five matches of the season: please avoid useless family tension.”

Well, after she let rip on Twitter last week, it sounds like Yanina Screpante has lost her manual, the girlfriend of Napoli’s Argentinian striker Ezequiel Lavezzi (above) creating just a little bit of family tension, you’d imagine, by describing Naples as a “shitty city”.

“And they say there’s no security in Argentina . . . they just stole my watch at gunpoint!,” she tweeted. And then she threatened that if anything like that happened her again, Lavezzi would leave the club. (Coincidentally enough, he’s already been linked with a monster money move to Manchester City. Just sayin’).

Yanina later apologised for her “shitty city” remark, saying she was just “letting off steam,” and, happily, Aurelio De Laurentiis was forgiving, offering his sympathy for her terrifying ordeal: “Perhaps the girl thought she was untouchable, being Lavezzi’s girlfriend, but that is not the case.

“I would like to tell Yanina that during a recession she shouldn’t go round with a Rolex on her wrist.”

At that point, you’d guess, Yanina started looking up the numbers of Manchester estate agents.

Clash: Roma pair disagree

OSVALDO PAYS DEAR FOR SLAP

DRESSINGROOM squabble of the season? That’d be the altercation between Roma pair Pablo Daniel Osvaldo and Erik Lamela, who joined the club from River Plate during the summer.

Osvaldo was peeved at Lamela for not passing the ball to him during the defeat at Udinese, and got angrier still when Lamela ignored his complaints after the game.

Osvaldo: “I’m older than you and this is not River – answer as I speak.”

Lamela: “Shut your mouth, you’re not Maradona.”

At which point Osvaldo went for Lamela and gave him a slap.

The upshot?

Osvaldo was suspended by the club and fined €50,000. He’s promised to keep his mouth shut from here on in.

ROLLING MOU

WHO, you’ve no doubt been wondering, is the Spanish edition of Rolling Stone’s choice for “rock star of the year”? Jose Mourinho! Why? “His defiant attitude, his controversial message, his impertinent intelligence and, above all, his provocative attitude in press conferences are some of the reasons that Mou has finished the year starring on our latest cover,” they explained. Hopefully this accolade won’t encourage him to start throwing tellies out of hotel bedroom windows.

MAKING THE EARTH MOVE

IF THERE is a little extra swagger in Edinson “El Matador” Cavani’s step these days, you can hardly blame the fella. When he scored both Napoli’s goals in their recent Champions League win over Manchester City, the crowd’s response actually showed up as tremors in a seismograph reading released by the Federico University in Naples .El Matador, then, made the earth move. Quite literally.