Day Eight. Zzzzz. Zzzzz. Zzzzz. "WAKEY, WAKEY." Aaaagh, what? "Austria have left the pitch, it's safe to open your eyes now." Right. Thanks very much. Last words I'd heard, before nodding off, were Archie McPher son's on Eurosport. "It's been a case of the bland leading the bland," he yawned as the first half of Austria v Chile ground to a halt.
Poor Archie had to watch the second half too. So had Bryan Robson. "You know what this game needs, Arch," he said. "A goal." Sometimes not even a goal is enough, Bryan. On Tuesday night, Johnny Giles accused Norway of playing "caveman football", but next to Austria we must now rate Egil Olsen's lads as thrill-seekers. A teeny bit less ambition and they might even out-grim Belgium. Nigeria haven't a hope of winning that contest, they do mad things like play attacking football and look for goals. Is that why they're called naive?
Brazil are a bit good too. "Well, they're the puppy's privates, aren't they Gary, absolutely unbelievable," said Mark Lawrenson on Match of the Day. Gary and Martin O'Neill chuckled heartily. Jimmy Hill and me didn't get it. Then, maybe 20 minutes later, Jimmy could be seen giggling in the corner of the studio. He got it. Four hours later. OH! The Dog's B*****ks? Right. Well, Brazil have been called many things in their time, but one suspects Lawrenson broke new ground with the "puppy's privates".
David Ginola was also impressed by the performance of the puppy's privates against Morocco. He especially liked their midfielder Rivaldo. "When he touch ze ball it's like . . . talking about sexy things, I think he's really sexy with ze ball because you realise the ball is just a friend, you know, it's not an enemy . . . the ball is coming, you don't have to watch the ball until you are right in the feet just, I know, I know the ball, I know everything."
"Yes," said a stunned Gary. "I agree with Daveed about the full backs," said Lawrenson, who seemed afraid to agree with him on Rivaldo because he had absolutely no idea what he was talking about. (Couldn't help thinking if anyone ever told Johnny Giles he was "really sexy with ze ball" he would have nutted him).
Then, before yesterday's snooze fest between Austria and Chile, Gary, who's spending too much time with Daveed, was at it too, calling the Chileans "interesting and sexy". Except when Gary says it sounds more like an affliction than something to boast about. Next up was the latest news from the Scottish camp, and it was bad news: Colin Calderwood had a broken hand. "It is a pity for Colin, I look forward to seeing him at Tottenham in pre-season training," said Daveed. "I think he might be in plaster then," said Lawrenson. "Yeah? Why not," smiled Daveed. (Maybe "in plaster" means "fit and raring to go" in Daveed's language).
Full time between Austria and Chile. Hallelujah. John, a Manchester United fan, who had just watched Marcelo Salas become the leading scorer in the World Cup, rang Niall Quinn and Andy Townsend to ask if it was, after all, a good thing that United had turned down the chance to sign him for half nothing less than a year ago.
"Some of these foreigners appear to bring their extended families with them when they go to England," he said. Quinn, ex-Manchester City, tried not to giggle too much, even though this was the equivalent of saying, "I'm glad I lost that lottery winning ticket because all that money would have changed my sad, miserable, pathetic, boring life too much". John? Salas could have brought a herd of elephants and a plague of locusts with him to Old Trafford, United fans wouldn't have minded. The 30 goals-a-season would have made up for it.
Italy v Cameroon. There's a one minute's silence. Again. I know it's very sad that Monsieur Sastre of the World Cup Organising Committee died last week, but aren't they getting a bit carried away with these 60-second silences in his honour? Are they aiming for 90 minutes' worth? Time to let the man rest in peace.
"Apparently the Italian newspapers are linking Francesco Moriero with Manchester United," revealed Clive Tyldesley during the match. There's only so much more of this that United fans can take. I mean, you can link Ronaldo with Cowdenbeath, it doesn't mean he'll join them. Tyldesley's revelation now means Moriero will join Anyone But United. The only World Cup player not to be linked with United is Belgium's creative midfielder. Uh oh.
