In fairness to him, Dimitri Kopanakis did the best he could for the Irish rugby team, belting out a rousing, stirring version of Ireland's Call before Saturday morning's Test against Australia in Brisbane, shown live on Sky Sports. But it all went wrong from there. First, Dimitri handed the mike over to Amy Cutler, who proceeded to sing a particularly menacing version of Advance Australia Fair. (And didn't they just? Six times over Ireland's try line, to be exact).

Then a caption popped up on the screen listing Australia's reserves for the match (including Jason Little, Nathan Grey and Phil Kearns), a kind of a Who's Who of international rugby. Mmm. They couldn't make the starting 15? It was a frightening sight, almost frightening enough to make you switch to the Trooping of the Colour on BBC1. But not quite.

It was the ref, though, who ended any hopes Ireland had of a great day Down Under, by signalling for the match to start. At half time studio analyst Michael Lynagh was being nice to Ireland and scoffing at David Campese's prediction that Australia would win by 40 points. "Campo specialises in firing up the opposition," he scoffed himself, "that comment would have been a great motivation for Ireland."

And he was right - Ireland shoved Campese's insult right back down his throat by losing by only 36 points. Presenter Mark Durden-Smith, however, failed to view this as even a moral victory. "Looks like it's back to the drawing board for Ireland," he sighed, not realising, perhaps, that Ireland have been back there so often there's no room left to doodle. Lynagh's advice to Ireland? "They've got to go back to basics," he suggested. Now where have we heard that one before?

Back to basics is where Neville Southall intends taking the Welsh soccer team, if he gets the chance to manage them on a full-time basis. "In some parts of the world, if you beat three pub teams then you're in the World Cup finals," he said last week, in a puzzling attempt to boost his candidacy for the job.

Funnily enough, Wales' defensive display in the last 10 minutes of their match against Denmark at Anfield on Wednesday would have done the Duck and Dragon XI proud. But Neville, joint-caretaker manager on the night, was still upbeat in his post-match interview, insisting that there were just "one or two things to put right". In truth most viewers of Match of the Day could spot 11 Welsh things (plus tactics) that needed to be put right, but who are we to argue with Neville?

Interestingly, Shirley Bassey emerged as one of Neville's rivals for the job last week, although it's not yet clear if she's actually interested in the post. In a Welsh newspaper poll more people wanted Shirley (almost eight per cent) to succeed Bobby Gould as manager of the national team than they did Ian Rush, which suggests that football fans now believe the ability to motivate, rather than come up with a few tactics, is the most desired qualification in a football manager. Why else, you ask, would Kevin Keegan be England manager? "Maybe we're not good enough to qualify, but I think we are," he said, after Wednesday's draw with Bulgaria, also shown on Match of the Day. He didn't say, "I would love it, just love it if Glenn Hoddle came back and took this bloody job off me because it's doing my head in," but you sensed it was only a matter of time.

I'm not sure what Ger Loughnane said to his Clare lads midweek, but whatever it was Nev and Kev would sure love to know. Clare's performance against Tipperary in Saturday's replay left the RTE panel purring, making them forget the indignity of having to sit on three white, plastic garden chairs (available with a matching white, plastic garden table and a big flowery parasol at your nearest supermarket for £49.99) in their Pairc Ui Chaoimh studio.

Speaking of big umbrellas. I spotted a man in the Hogan Stand, just before the start of the Offaly v Kildare match on RTE yesterday, holding one big enough to shelter all of Offaly and half of Kildare from the drizzle falling from the skies. It brought to mind a remark by the late, great Micheal O'Hehir, heard on TnaG's All-Ireland Gold series last year: "Would ya take that umbrella out of that and get wet like a decent man and let them enjoy themselves," he said, when he saw a similarly offensive monster umbrella blocking the view of much of the crowd. It's time for the GAA to supply these people with hoods at the turnstiles. Formula One fans had their view of two of the major incidents in yesterday's Canadian Grand Prix obscured too - if they happened to be watching it on ITV. When Damon Hill spun out of the race, RTE viewers were watching . . . Damon Hill spinning out of the race; ITV viewers were being treated to an ad for yoghurt, or something. When Michael Schumacher crashed out, RTE viewers were watching . . . Michael Schumacher crashing out; ITV viewers were being sold Martini.

Yes, ITV's habit of taking ad breaks just before important things happen in Grand Prix races continues apace (they're still blushing after missing Schumacher's exit from the final race of last season).

So, I give my first, second and third preferences to Peter Collins, David Kennedy and Declan Quigley, even if there will always be a special place in my heart for Walker Murray. Correction: Murray Walker.

Apart from anything, the RTE lads know better than to inflict this kind of commentary on us (take a bow Mark Blundell): "What's interesting, Murray, is that the lap Schumacher did for pole - one minute, 19.298 - actually converts to him covering the track in 55.75 metres per second. Now if Schumacher can keep that advantage during the race, of 29 thousandths of a second difference over Hakkinen, he's going to lead him by 1.6 metres a second every lap."

Well, at least Murray didn't need a monster umbrella to shelter him from the rain - he had an anorak sitting beside him.