The manic Street Preachers played in Newcastle last week and during a comically drab afternoon at St James' Park it was hard not to think that the angry Welshmen had composed If You Tolerate This Then Your Children Will Be Next, specifically with this game in mind. This match was so bad Warren Barton was named man of it.
Then again, Warren Dean Barton is a peculiar case. Bought by Kevin Keegan 3 1/2 seasons ago for the still astonishing sum of £4.5 million, Barton has gone from being a coveted Wimbledon rightback to a laughed-at Newcastle left-back. So enthusiastic are the ironic cheers from home fans every time Barton weighs in with even a milligram of skill, it has become embarrassing.
If you tolerate that then you are either very well paid or have no options. Both probably refer to Barton, who has seen Keegan and Kenny Dalglish depart and who is now prospering under Ruud Gullit, to the extent that Gullit said after the game: "Every club needs a Warren Barton."
It would have been difficult for Gullit to keep a straight face while saying something like that, and he didn't. Gullit admitted Barton "has no left foot" but justified his inclusion on that side of the defence because "he holds good positions" and his inclusion in the team because Barton "is important in the locker-room. He is a good character, good for the atmosphere. He does little jobs like making sure everybody pays their fines. He's our Sheriff of Nottingham."
In that case Barton should ensure Andreas Andersson pays heavily. It would be interesting to hear what Andersson's contribution to team morale is. Maybe he brings shampoo and conditioner. He certainly brings nothing to a football pitch, except the expletives that follow him from the terraces. To call Andersson a big girl's blouse would be to invite writs from big girls everywhere - not to mention their blouses.
Alan Shearer, who came on for the last 35 minutes, stares at the Swede as if the two were in a bad marriage. They are. Yet Gullit continues to pick Andersson and could point to him having a foot in Newcastle's goal. This was only partly true. Andersson's intended pass was intercepted and the loose ball was stroked in by Stephen Glass after 66 minutes.
That was enough to beat a hugely disappointing Leicester City. Martin O'Neill, looking shell-shocked afterwards, attributed Leicester's lethargy to Neil Lennon and Muzzy Izzet suffering from flu. Both played, however, a sign of O'Neill's resources. Another flu victim, Duncan Ferguson, did not. But the records will show he was not missed. And the reason? "Warren Barton, centre partin' la la la la la."
Newcastle UTD: Given, Barton, Charvet, Howey, Dabizas, Lee, Georgiadis, Speed, Glass, Ketsbaia (Shearer 55), Andersson. Subs Not Used: Harper, Hamann, Hughes, Solano. Goal: Glass 66.
Leicester City: Keller, Sinclair (Kaamark 61), Elliott, Taggart, Impey, Ullathorne, Izzet (Savage 48), Lennon, Guppy, Cottee (Fenton 66), Heskey. Subs Not Used: Arphexad, Zagorakis. Booked: Elliott.
Referee: J Winter (Stockton-on-Tees).
