Planet Football: We were a bit puzzled by Ceefax's player ratings for the Northern Ireland team (and subs) after Wednesday's win over England.
For Steve Davis, who they had as replacing "Tommy Doherty after 59 mins", they said: "Could do little as his side were already down by three quickfire goals when he came on."
Eh? Were we alone in struggling to recall even one quickfire England goal at Windsor Park? Did Ceefax write the ratings before leaving for the pub? Or did they scribble them after drowning their sorrows? No, they just used the ratings from the meeting of the teams last March, when England won 4-0 using a revolutionary 4-4-2 formation.
Quotes of the week
"I think I am lost for words."
- Only England losing in Belfast could leave John Motson speechless.
"They were a rudderless ship with no direction, and as for formations - there were more formations out there than in a ballroom dancing team."
- Terry Butcher kind of hoping Sven-Goran Eriksson would foxtrot his way back to Sweden.
"Jose Mourinho has some of the best players in the world at Chelsea but we are not going to roll over on our bellies, get tickled, and say, 'Isn't it great we're in the Premiership?'"
- Sunderland's Mick McCarthy before Saturday's trip to Stamford Bridge. The image of Jose tickling Mick's tummy is, well, tremendous.
"Somebody will score against Chelsea, somebody will beat them and somebody will get something at Stamford Bridge. They won't win every game this season."
- Mick McCarthy again, doing some wishful thinking.
Load of Bull
"Stop Mad Cow Disease" read the banner at a recent Austria Salzburg game, before it was swiftly removed by stewards. You'll get an idea of what the banner was protesting against if you try to look up the www.austria-salzburg.at website - it redirects you to www.redbullsalzburg.com.
Back in April Dietrich Mateschitz, the billionaire Austrian owner of Red Bull, bought the club and set about making a few changes. First, the name was changed to Red Bull Salzburg, then a new crest, incorporating the Red Bull logo, was introduced - and the team's colours were changed. The club had been wearing violet and white since 1933 but Mateschitz gave them a brand new kit, red and white (home) and blue (away), the colours of Red Bull.
Supporters who turned up for a pre-season friendly wearing violet and white were turned away, but they're battling on. They have set up a website - www.violett-weiss.at - where, for example, you can find e-cards that show blue ketchup on chips. You get the point.
Mateschitz's response to the protests about the team colours? "Kindergarten stuff," he said, "the Red Bull can't be violet, or else we couldn't call it Red Bull." Indeed.
Keeping his cool
Coolest footballer on planet earth? Rangers' Marvin Andrews, no contest. The Trinidad and Tobago player was flying from Costa Rica to Miami, following a World Cup qualifier, when the plane had to make an emergency landing when a smoke alarm went off.
"It was just sheer panic," said fellow player Brent Sancho, "you could smell the fire and people were frightened. The pilot did well to keep things under control but it was just so scary for everyone."
According to the Daily Record, "soon after taking off from San Jose airport en route to Miami, panic gripped the squad as alarms were triggered on board. With cabin crew frantically trying to pinpoint the problem the aircraft lost height, forcing the captain to divert."
And how did Andrews cope with this terrifying experience? Well.
"It was only when we touched down and someone told me we weren't in Miami that I realised there had been a problem," he said. Yep, he slept through it all.
More quotes of the week
"Now when I find I'm stuck in traffic and four Iranians are sitting in the car next to me, all sorts of thoughts go through my mind."
- Arsenal goalkeeper Jens Lehmann on these being nervous times in London. When he retires from football we'd guess that Jens won't be moving into the diplomatic corps.
"In retrospect, of course I regret calling them morons. Imbeciles would have been more appropriate."
- Crystal Palace chairman Simon Jordan continues his loving relationship with Charlton fans (whom he'll never forgive for celebrating Palace's relegation last season).
"My mother, my grandmother or my great grandmother could play in a team like that."
- Mexican coach Ricardo La Volpe on the USA, who, eh, beat Mexico in their recent World Cup qualifier. Time to call up Granny?
"If you put yourself in Madrid's position, they paid £8 million cash last year. Michael eventually emerges three coaches later as fifth choice, on a big wage and not happy and then somebody offers to double their money. I'm sure the first reaction was to rub their eyes in surprise."
- Liverpool chief Rick Parry, still trying to convince himself that Liverpool didn't need to sign Michael Owen.
Rough on Middlesbrough
We're beginning to feel sorry for Middlesbrough. Not the team, the city. Last week Emmanuel Pogatetz, the Austrian defender they signed recently, had to furiously back-pedal after being quoted by an Austrian newspaper saying: "Thank God it's only on match days we have to go into Middlesbrough. The place is an industrial town, pure and simple. I would not want to live in the town. All you've got there is smoking chimneys."
This followed comments from earlier foreign signings by the club, eg, Szilard Nemeth ("Middlesbrough is not very nice. I've seen two nice girls in two years"; "If I have any visitors, we always go to Newcastle, Leeds, or York. Middlesbrough is very bad. It is not a very nice town and there are a lot of factories") and Emerson ("The moment I saw Middlesbrough I felt it was a strange, terrible place. I had never seen anything quite like it").
Perhaps the club's foreigners have been put off by the sight of visiting supporters, mainly of the Sunderland and Newcastle variety, who have been known to don gas masks and chemical suits at the Riverside, in honour of the city's petrochemical industry.
"Smoggies," they call the Middlesbrough folk, while singing, "What's it like to see the sun?"
