Day 20. Did you ever feel like you'd been had? "Click the spot where you think the ball should be - you could win a life-size cardboard cut-out of Jimmy Hill," promised the ad on the BBC's World Cup internet site. Four hours' worth of clicking later, on a picture of an Italian attempting to beat our Packie Bonner, and they were still flashing a `not even close - try again' sign at me. Then there was a bit of a sinking feeling. Were the BBC being humorous offering a life-size cardboard cut-out of Jimmy Hill? Or had they changed their minds and decided to keep the prize and swap it for the real thing in their World Cup studio, at the request of Des Lynam, Martin O'Neill, Alan Hansen, Gary Lineker and the rest of the watching planet? Maybe. But now I'm going to have to invest in a proper scarecrow if I want to protect my crops. And they don't come cheap either.
Germany v Mexico. And there were the poor auld Mexicans thinking that Oliver Bierhoff and Juergen Klinsmann would pose the greatest threat to their defence yesterday afternoon, when, in the end, it was the front two of Big Ron and Clive Tyldesley who were responsible for knocking them out of the World Cup.
A string of Keeganesque predictions and German obituaries from the ITV pair put the mockers on Mexico, just when things were going nicely and they were on the verge of securing a place in the quarter-finals. Lads? If you had plans to holiday in Acapulco after the World Cup you'd better cancel them now - the locals would lynch ye. "This will be the most damaging defeat Germany has suffered in World Cup football since the war," said Tyldesley, when the Mexicans were leading 1-0 with 15 minutes still to go. Indeed, such was the mood in the ITV commentary box, you half expected to hear the lads burst in to a chorus of `cheerio, cheerio, cheerio'. And then Klinsmann equalised. "Well it's predictable, innit," groaned Big Ron. And then Bierhoff scored the winner, leaving Clive and Big Ron almost as gutted as the Mexicans. "What you don't see with this German side, quite frankly, is anything hidden," said Ron.(Eh?).
"On they go," said Clive, as he bade us farewell, but what he really wanted to say was, `on they BLOODY go'.
Upstairs on the ITV gantry overlooking the pitch Bob Wilson just shrugged his shoulders, threw his eyes heavenwards and wore an expression that screamed "Germans, huh!". Barry Venison was a bit upset too, having predicted an upset. "The Mexicans are full of beans," he had said of the side not following England's dietary advice. By full time they had been blown away.
Holland v Yugoslavia. "You are Norway," said the Yugoslavian coach to his team in his pre-match pep talk. And they believed him. First half? Zzzzz. One suspects Mrs Doyle gave them their half time chat. "Would ye ever think of crossing the half-way line lads? Ah go on. Go on, go on, go on, go on."
And it worked - they ventured in to Dutch territory early in the second half and scored. A game of two halves if ever there was one. And then they missed a penalty.
Jimmy `Memory Man' Magee told us the last player to miss a penalty in the World Cup finals was Belgium's Scifo . . . but he couldn't remember against who. "I've been reminded that he missed it against Spain," he said some time later. Does the person who informed him of this fact win a Know Your Sport umbrella?
