PlanetFootball: We were a bit puzzled last week to read about a row between Birmingham City and eBay over the auction of tactics sheets which Steve Bruce left pinned to the wall of the dressing-room after the team's game against Blackburn last month.

Apart from anything, why would you want to buy tactics from a 2-0 defeat? Anyway, the club contacted eBay and asked for the auction to be withdrawn, saying they did not feel it was right for "people to be profiting from the team's discarded items".

We then read on Friday that eBay had agreed to cancel the auction and that Brucie's tactics could no longer be bought. But? By Saturday afternoon they were back up for sale, the seller telling us they were "a fascinating insight into the team tactics employed by Birmingham in the Premier League". Indeed. The latest bid: £400 - no kidding. The auction ends today at 6.23, in case you're odd enough to be interested.

Quotes of the week

"One bad apple in the dressing-room and everything can go pear-shaped."

- Star Sports' Paul Masefield, as sublimely heard by a Private Eye reader.

Reporter: "When do you stop thinking about relegation and start thinking about Europe?

Paul Jewell: "After about 10 pints."

- The Wigan manager, drunk on his team's success this season.

"I played for 30 minutes without the ball. That makes it difficult for me to cross or to shoot."

- Laurent Robert, loving his time at Portsmouth.

"If you put Thierry Henry or Trezeguet in to this team it would be difficult for them as well.

- Robert again, playing up at Pompey.

"The Spanish guys kiss too but not the English players. Maybe they don't like it - they'll think I'm gay. It's just normal in France to do that when people are saying hello."

-Djibril Cisse explaining why he snogged Steven Gerrard as they came out for the second half against Anderlecht recently. Djibril's a lucky man that Tommy Smith doesn't play for Liverpool any more.

Blame it on the Beckhams

Please, please, please don't blame us for this one. Blame Padraig O'C from Galway (we have his e-mail address if you want it): "David and Victoria Beckham were asleep when the phone rang at three in the morning. Victoria picked it up, listened for a moment and then said: 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' And then she hung up. 'Who was that?' asked a curious David. 'Some stupid woman wanting to know if the coast was clear,' she replied."

More quotes of the week

"If you are in a house that catches fire and you are running around, screaming and shouting, if you are panicking, the children will start crying and you will all be burnt."

- Sunderland's Christian Bassila explaining it's important Mick McCarthy's men keep calm. We think.

"He has a good foot for kicking, but he doesn't have a good brain for talking."

- Mexican president Vicente Fox pays tribute to Diego Maradona.

"Offhand I don't know any Scottish players or teams, and Hampden Park doesn't mean a whole lot to me."

- Kansas City Wizards' striker Josh Wolff tingling with anticipation ahead of playing Scotland on Saturday.

Daily Mail: "England captain and style icon David Beckham is to launch a new fragrance in the UK next week called David Beckham Instinct. Can you think of a better name for the perfume?"

Reader: "Scent Off?"

"They treated me like a parcel."

- Fiorentina's Marco Donadel on former club AC Milan's habit of posting him on loan to lesser clubs.

It's in the blood

"I was playing for Vale against Wrexham and their Trinidad defender Dennis Lawrence came over to me during a break in play. He's six feet, seven inches and I was thinking: 'What's going on here?' But he just asked me calmly 'I hear you've got some 'Trini' blood in you?' "

- Port Vale's Chris Birchall explaining how his international career with Trinidad and Tobago kicked off.

"He is not the most elegant of players but he is very special - more special than any other player I've had."

- Sven Goran Eriksson on Peter Crouch. And special's the only word for him.

"I consulted the stars - it was not the right day."

- French coach Raymond Domenech explaining why he wouldn't name his goalkeeper for the friendly against Costa Rica the day before the game. He opted for Fabien Barthez in the end because his planets were aligned - which, as any Man United fan would tell you, was a first.

"They have now got the grit between their teeth."

- BBC Radio 5 expert pundit Kevin Gallagher.

"Should I have to leave, I wouldn't stay in England. I'd like Italy or Spain. Juve are a big team and should they come back and follow me I'd be ready to listen. I repeat, I don't offer myself. I'm here should they want me - but before that I want to talk with Arsenal."

- Robert "come and get me" Pires.

Winston's woes

We were saddened to hear of the retirement of Winston Bogarde last week, the Dutch defender who Chelsea appeared to have forgotten they had signed.

"I received several offers, but nothing I was looking for so I decided to quit," he said.

"I won't miss football, the game has been good to me, with the exception of my period with Chelsea," he added, somewhat bitterly,

Note: Bogarde earned £8.32 million over four years at Chelsea, playing approximately 520 minutes of football for the club.

By our calculations that means the game was really rather good to him during his time in London.