Scenes From A World Cup

Scene One:

Charles de Gaulle Airport. A journalist approaches a flight desk. Unlike his esteemed colleagues, Mr Byrne, Mr Malone and Mr Lawrenson, the journalist is not a polyglot. Mr Byrne, indeed, contributes soccer snippets to the Esperanto Telegraph. That's another story. The journalist knows nothing of languages, merely that Polish is the loving tongue and Irish apparently killed the ancient Romans.

The journalist is carrying a small phrase book and a blue tote bag which takes so much stuff that the journalist can hardly lift it.

Journalist: Bonjour Madame (Hello).

Woman at internal flight desk: Bonjour Monsieur (Hello Sir). Comment allez vous (How are you)?

Journalist (Fumbling with phrasebook): Uhm. Je suis . . . (shrugs shoulders expressively, rolls eyes, shakes head, conveys notion of hernia incurred from lifting big blue bag) uhm, mais c'est la vie (Uhm. I am a singer in a popular girl band).

Woman at flight desk: Je suis desole Monsieur (Sorry for your troubles, Mister).

Journalist (Confidently): Pardon?

Woman at flight desk: Je suis vraiment desole (My heart bleeds for you, fatso).

Journalist (Locating correct page in phrase book. Smiling broadly): Je voudrais acheter un billet (I want to buy a ticket. Your job is safe).

Woman at desk: Ou etes-vous allant et puis-je voir votre passport (Where are you going and can I see your passport)?

Journalist (Looking through phrasebook in panicky manner): Ah. J'aimerais faire nettoyer a sec cette jupe (I would like to have this skirt dry cleaned).

Woman at desk: Il y a une greve Monsieur (Have you been living up a tree pal? There's a strike on).

Journalist: Ah! Tres bien! Est-ce bien le vol pour Montpellier?

Woman at desk: Le prochain vol part a . . .

Journalist: Aha. Prochain. Oui. Oui??? (No. No. I'm well out of my depth).

Woman at desk: Noel. Peutetre (Christmas. Perhaps).

Journalist (Spotting phrase with jocular potential): Je voudrais es- sayer le ski de fond (I'd like to try cross country skiing).

Woman at desk: Pardon Monsieur?

Journalist: C'est une plaisanterie? Une ho ho ho? (Jaysus, it's only a joke).

Scene Two:

Eighteen hours later. An airport arrivals terminal in southern France. Journalist realises he has no work done yet. Reaches for media guide and phrasebook. Heads for payphone.

Journalist: 'Allo. 'Allo. 'Allo. J'aimerais parler a Ronaldo (Bonjour. I want to speak to Ronaldo).

Receptionist: Il dort He's asleep). C'est de la part de qui (Who are you anyway, pal)?

Journalist: C'est Nike. C'est cas urgent (I am Nike. It's an emergency).

Receptionist: Pourquoi Monsieur? (This should be good).

Journalist: Er. Ma machine chauffe (My engine is overheated).

Receptionist: Au revoir Monsieur (Drop dead, Mister).

Journalist: Mais j'ai rendez-vous avec mon cher ami Ronaldo (But I have an appointment with my dear friend Ronaldo).

Receptionist: Non. Tu as un rendez-vous avec chomage (No. You have an appointment with unemployment).

Journalist: Kimmage. Paul Kimmage. Ah oui, oui. Desole (He's with Kimmage. Buck-toothed Brazilian bastard).

Journalist: C'est vraiment cas urgent. Je suis un point noir (It's really an emergency. I am an accident blackspot).

Scene Three:

At the hotel. The journalist surveys his lodgings. Fumbles for the phone.

Journalist: Hallo, reception? J'ai reserve une chambre avec une ampoule (I asked for a room with a light bulb).

Scene Four:

End of day two. The journalist has yet to file. Fumbles for phone.

Journalist: Bonjour, le service en chambre? Je voudrais trente cinq litres de biere (Hallo, room service? I'd like to order something to help me forget). Je suis une douleur sourde (I am a dull pain).

Room service: Une douleur sourde? Parlez anglais Monsieur. Speak Eengleesh, Sir. I speeek eet.

Journalist (In Maurice Chevalier accent, speaking slowly and very loudly per modern linguistic technique): I - need - zumtheeng - to - 'elp - me - furget.

Room Service: Vous devez payer un supplement (You have to pay extra).

Journalist: Envoyez votre facture a Dr AJF O'Reilly (Send the bill to the Indo. They'll bankroll this).

Room Service: Vous appelez-vous Monsieur (Name)?

Journalist: Burke. Raphael.

Scene Five:

Journalist, lonely and desperate, dials number at random:

Voice: Bonjour.

Journalist: Nicole?

Voice: Papa?

Journalist: Non. C'est Bob.