ALL IN THE GAME:A soccer miscellany

SORRY EXCUSE

VLATKO Markovic (president of the Croatian Football Federation): "While I'm a president of the Croatian Football Federation there will be no homosexuals playing in the national team."

Reporter: "Have you ever met any gay players during your career?"

Markovic: "No, luckily only normal people play football."

Three days later . . .

Markovic: "Sorry for a clumsy interpretation. It was not my intention whatsoever to insult or hurt anyone."

Of course. 

Bale out: In relaxed way

"I just had a really good chicken korma and relaxed. To me it was just another game on a Saturday."– Bolton fullback Gretar Steinsson explaining how he prepared for his (successful) meeting with Spurs' Gareth Bale recently. Curry. Your only man.

I loved working with Sir Alex. We got on really well and today he is my friend. As far as I am concerned, Sir Alex Ferguson is the best coach in the world."– Cristiano Ronaldo on his Most Special One. Jose will be pleased.

"Everything has improved. Except the winning."– West Ham manager Avram Grant on the one little thing stopping his team from having a fine season.

0191 551 5151:The phone number for Sunderland's ticket office – much to the amusement of Newcastle fans, still celebrating their recent 5-1 derby victory.

Blog rant: Chinese goalkeeper lets rip before repenting

IS this the greatest ever rant by a footballer? Undoubtedly.

“It would be flattery to call you fans. Youre just a bunch of dogs. You bunch of morons are the main reason why Chinese football can’t make progress. You throw in stones after a man has fallen into a well.

“I heard there’s more than 7,000 football journalists in China, and I estimate at least 4,000 of them hate football. Is that really necessary?

“When opponents score, I’m a moron. When I make a save, I’m still a moron . . . I’m not Spiderman. I was beaten on the pitch and verbally abused off it. Don’t say you know how to play football, because you know nothing about it.

“Go home and count how many pieces of leather a football has. Hit a man when he’s down, that’s what you b*****ds are doing. That’s why Chinese soccer is in a mess. I don’t give a s**t what other people say, that’s who I am.”

They were the thoughts of Chinese goalkeeper Wang Dalei, as posted on a blog, after he was criticised for his performance in the 3-0 defeat to Japan at the Asian Games. Alas, he was promptly suspended indefinitely by the Chinese FA who have told the 21-year-old to “meditate on his actions”.

He did. “I apologise sincerely to the media and supporters of the whole nation for my unpleasant words,” said a repentant Wang. “I’ll never make the same mistake in the future.”

Ah, please do Wang.

Barton’s life: The punchline

NOVEMBER 8th, 2010: "What I have found in later life is that you become more mature and that was a way of getting the best out of myself. It is helping me now that I have not been in trouble for a long time."

November 11th, 2010: "I fully accept that I was in the wrong on this occasion and accept the charge that the FA have brought against me . . . I hold my hands up, I reacted badly to the situation on Wednesday night and I deeply regret it."

– A week in the life of Newcastle United’s Joey Barton – now serving a three-match ban for punching Blackburn’s Morten Gamst Pedersen.

Food for thought: English Football Writers' Association to honour Henry

PLANET Soccer got an e-mail from a football-reporting pal in England yesterday morning that woke us right up from our deep slumber.

Every year, the English Football Writers' Association chooses a star of the game to honour at its dinner, with Bobby Robson, Stanley Matthews and Harry Redknapp among those selected in the past.

"The dinner is in January," wrote our pal, "black tie, The Savoy, London, £90 a ticket (£900 for a table of 10).

"I've just received notification that the next recipient is . . . Thierry Henry (boo, hiss). It might make a line for you – how can these ********s in England honour such a man, blah blah?"

We'd never be that petty, of course, and after all Henry had a quite majestic playing career with Arsenal which deserves recognition.

But we do hope they all choke on their vol-au-vents.

Fired up: Midfielder gunning for trouble and finds it

THERE'S nothing wrong with team-mates having a little tiff now and then, all it does really is prove they're passionate about their work. And Rene Osei Kofi has barrel-loads of passion, as he demonstrated when he had a difference of opinion with Almere City team-mate Christian Ghandu.

Osei Kofi is on loan from Ajax at the Dutch second division club and fell out with Ghandu during training, the argument later spilling in to the club carpark. We'll leave it to ghanasoccernet.com to tell you what happened next: "Osei Kofi returned from his car (to the dressingroom) with a gun and pointed it to the head of his team-mate Ghandu . . . he threatened to blow his head off in a furious tirade. Terrified team-mates quietly intervened before the sweating Ghandu was set free from the imminent danger." Our favourite line was: "Almere City say they consider the incident very serious."

Well, you would, wouldn't you?

If you're looking for a fiery midfielder for your team, well, the 18-year-old is now available for free – he's been sacked by both Almere City and Ajax.

Idiotic behaviour

BORUSSIA Dortmund coach Jurgen Klopp mislaid the plot a bit during Friday's game against Hamburg, literally baring his teeth at the poor old fourth official after an appeal for a free-kick was turned down.

Fair play to the fella, though, he took one look at the photos after the game and declared: "I really do look like an idiot."

And with that he apologised. Mind you, it helped that the Bundesliga leaders won 2-0.

DUMBSTRUCK

THE Embarrassed Silence of the Season award goes to the BBC's Colin Murray, host of their MOTD2programme and also a Radio Five Live presenter.

According to the Daily Mirror, Murray had a chat last week with former Arsenal player Perry Groves, the conversation turning to Liverpool owner John W Henry and his attractive young wife.

Groves suspected – somewhat cynically, it has to be said – that the 61-year-old's billionaire status may have been a factor in attracting such a beautiful woman, and contrasted the relationship with the honesty of his own.

"My girlfriend hasn't gone with me for the fame or the money. It must be the Rohypnol I keep putting in her drinks. She doesn't know what day it is."

Murray is very rarely rendered speechless, but by all accounts Groves left him dumbstruck.

WORTH REPEATING

"I was asked to see the psychologist when I went to Lyon. I was 30 with a mortgage, three kids, 400 league games and in a new country. I came out with my arm around him, telling him not to worry, that everything would be all right. I didn't see him again."– Mick "The Shrink" McCarthy.

"You ask me 'we are on a train, who wants to go to the terminal station and that means nobody moves out when the train is moving'."– Arsene Wenger maybe ruling out buying and/or selling in the January transfer window. But who knows?

"I do not like Mourinho and I am going to tell him that to his face. Who the hell is this guy? If Madrid don't teach him respect, I will."– Sporting Gijon coach Manuel Preciado says he'll put manners on Jose (because he suggested Gijon handed Barcelona points).