A question. Have you ever met anyone over six who has managed to score a goal in a football computer game? Even in front of an empty net with not a defender or goalkeeper in sight (i.e. `practice mode') No? Neither have I, but, like the Everton attack, it doesn't mean we should stop trying.
If, even after eight months' practice, you still have the first touch of Carlton Palmer it might be time to invest in Michael Owen's World League Soccer 99 or International Superstar Soccer Pro 98 which, according to those who know about these things, are among the easier of the football games to master. (Mind you, it was a four-year-old who told me this).
Fifa 99 is the biggest selling football game of the moment - one games' magazine even gave it 11 out of 10. Most impressive of all is that the game allows you take your opponent's legs from under him (i.e. the tackle from behind, for which you will be sent off) AND dive in the penalty area. Word has it that David Batty and David Ginola are threatening to sue for breach of copyright.
Actua Soccer 3 is another of the top sellers and despite being endorsed by Alan Shearer is really quite exciting.
If your playing days are over and you fancy trying your hand at management you could buy Premier Manager 98, Championship Manager, FA Premier League 99, Player Manager or USM 98.
If golf's your game try Links LS 1999 (or any of the Links LS series), Everybody's Golf, The Golf Pro, Tiger Woods 99 or Actua Golf 3 - all are visually stunning and let you do that Mulligan thingie where you can have as many goes as you like, until you finally miss the tree on the left or the lake on the right. Perhaps it's not quite in the spirit of the game but, hey, who's looking? Incidentally, Tiger Woods 99 includes a feature where you can customise your golfer in such a way that he or she reflects your real abilities. And they think this is a selling point?
Toca Touring Cars 2 (British Touring Car Championship) and Colin McRae Rally both come highly recommended in the Motor Sports' games' category this year but don't try either just after a heavy lunch - they're stomach-churningly realistic. If you're a Michael Schumacher wannabee try F1 '97, F1 '98, Monaco Grand Prix or Grand Prix Legends, which features 1960s Formula One cars.
We're still waiting for the first synchronised swimming computer game but, meantime, make do with tennis (Actua Tennis 3), boxing (Knockout Kings), snowboarding (1080 Snowboarding, Cool Boarders 3), basketball (NBA Live 99, NBA Jam 99) or American football (Madden NFL 99).
In fact, there's very nearly a game for every sport these days (pool, snooker, skiing, ice hockey, bowling, rugby union and league) but be warned, some of them are junk so ask your friendly shop assistant to be honest with you before you part with your money.
And of course there's fishing . . . Virtual Deep Sea Fishing, The Art of Fly Fishing, Deep Sea Trophy Fishing and Trophy Bass 2. You're spoilt for choice.
In fact, you can play Trophy Bass 2 over the internet. "Challenge your fishing buddies on-line in a frantic race to find the best spot, the best lure, and land the best fish before time runs out - go for on-line glory," says the box.
If you fancy spending Christmas with Richie Benaud (and who wouldn't?) ask your loved one to buy you Cricket 97 (Ashes Tour Edition), on which the Australian legend provides commentary. Or, if Richie's scathing comments about the quality of your fielding and running between the wicket get to you, try Brian Lara Cricket.
Finally, the nomination for the saddest game of the year goes to Deer Hunter II, which proved particularly popular with nutters on both sides of the Atlantic. Best game of the year? Deer Avenger. Yes, it features armed deer hunting humans. Brilliant or what? It hasn't been spotted on the shelves of too many Irish computer games shops yet so get your orders in now.
Prices range from about £10, for a budget game, to over £50 for some new titles. If you're buying one as a present make sure you know what kind of computer the recipient owns. The most popular `platforms' are PCs, Playstations and Nintendo 64s.
Soccer Merchandise
Fancy adults' away pyjamas in Celtic colours? Or a Liverpool duvet cover? Or a Celtic tennis dress? Or a Sheffield Wednesday shaving set? Or an Arsenal lampshade? Or a Celtic retractable pen? Or a Celtic retractable Australian striker by the name of Marko Viduka? No, forget that, he'll go missing the minute you buy him. You can have them all and much, much more - stadium models, computer mice and mats, razors, aprons, pillow cases, wallpaper, shower gel, bubble bath, watches, bracelets, golf balls, slippers, `Soccer Star mugs', Corinthian Premier Power Play figures.
There really isn't much you can't have with a football connection anymore, except a decent Liverpool defence, and just about every department store and toy shop in the country stocks this kind of stuff these days.
