Day two. God, it's like dying and going to heaven, this. Football, football, football, football. And more football. And when there's no live football they're showing recorded football. And when there's no recorded football they're talking about football. And nobody, absolutely nobody, talks about football quite like David Ginola. "Ooooh, how can zat be a penalteee Des? It waz bol to hand. It waz a shame for Shilly bee cawz zey pled fantastique-illy well, fantastique futbol," he oozed, summing up Chile's misfortune against Italy when they conceded that dodgy late penalty.

Now, contrast that with Johnny Giles's version of events: "That was never a penalty, Bill." Infinitely less seductive. C'mon Johnny, you can do better. Sit up straight in that chair, pull yourself together, whip off your socks, put on a pair of sandals, wear an open neck silk shirt, slap on a bit of cologne, tie your hair back in picky-tails and purr a bit - there's a ratings war going on and RTE are depending on you.

True, unlike Johnny, Daveed hasn't actually uttered a single word of sense so far, allowing Alan Hansen to throw a few "I rest my case" glances in Des Lynam's direction, but who cares? Expecting style AND substance from our World Cup pundits is just being greedy. In Big Ron Atkinson's case expecting style OR substance is just being silly.

(Speaking of whom. Morocco's first goal against Norway? "Hadji threw Eggen a lollipop there," said Big Ron. Explanations on a postcard to . . .)

Yesterday saw the debut of Niall Quinn and Andy Townsend's World Cup phone-in on RTE. "Welcome to day two. Of France 98. Will it be. As good. As yesterday? We'll find out. Shortly," said Andy. "Let's start as we mean. To. Continue. This programme is all about. Your views on. The World Cup. And we want to hear from. You."

Niall seemed much more at ease with the teleprompter. "Hi," he said confidently. "Straight away we've got Paul from Mayo on the line. Hiya Paul."

"Hiya Niall. Great to see you on the telly," said Paul. "Thanks very much," said Niall. Funny thing was Paul from Mayo sounded awful like Bill from Cork. And Glenn from Skerries, the next caller, was a ringer for Gilesie from Dublin. Do we smell un rat?

Anyway, Glenn from Skerries wanted to know how the lads thought Roberto Baggio would do in the World Cup. "He will want to do well," revealed Niall. Andy nodded in agreement. "Thanks for that Glenn - good question," said Niall. (In 10 years time - and this is a confident prediction - the Niall and Andy phone-in will have achieved cult status, a bit like the Rocky Horror Show).

Niall then read out an email from Robert Hudson, who, he told us, is the Commissioner of Irish Lights. "Andy, what do you know about Colin Hendry that we don't? The idea that he would love to have `big balls down his throat all day', as you suggested last night, gave us all a laugh." "Did you actually say that," a horrified Niall asked a mortified Andy. "I can't remember. But if I did, apologies to Colin Hendry," said Andy, who hasn't blushed like that since he looked in the mirror after getting those blond highlights in USA 94.

Meanwhile, on ITV, Scotland boss Craig `maybe' Brown was analysing the defeat by Brazil and THAT own goal. "No one could fault Tom Boyd," he insisted. "Had the ball not hit a firm part of his shoulder, and maybe hit his chest or his stomach, it would have dropped to his feet and maybe would have been cleared by Colin Hendry who was coming around to cover." Janie Craig, that's an awful lot of maybes.

Maybe if Scotland had Cameroon's Pierre Njanka up front they'd have beaten Brazil. Maybe. "Oooooh, it waz soooo fantastique, ooooh," purred Daveed, as he watched a replay of Njanka's tres brilliant goal against Austria. "Yeah, it was a good goal Bill," said Johnny. "And I wouldn't be caught dead using a big girl's blouse of a shampoo for my hair - I'm a washing-up liquid man meself," he nearly added, but didn't.