DRIZZLE, drizzle. Uh, oh. Drizzle, drizzle, drizzle. Drat. Drip, drip, drip. Sigh. Splash, splash. Darn. Splosh, splosh. Patter, patter. Splish, splash, splosh. Wimbledon. Don't you love it? A whole week's live coverage of rain. Occasionally an auld bit of tennis interrupted the showers but, on the whole, it was drizzle, drizzle, drip, drip, Des Lynam and Daisy the Dog.
Sure you'd feel like putting on your oilskins while sitting in front of the telly, just to get in to the spirit of things. Mind you if Wimbledon was in the constituency of Kerry South we wouldn't have this problem. Before you'd have time to say "what on earth is THAT on his head" Jackie Healy-Rae would have secured the funds for a state-of-the-art sliding roof covering every court, as well as all the neighbouring car parks . . . and had it built by Tuesday evening.
But there was no Healy-Rae to rescue us - instead we had to make do with a fed up Des Lynam. Monday: "There we are, a bit of rain on the first day - but it will go away," he promised us. Tuesday: "Another shower but hopefully we'll be back in action soon." Wednesday: "Sorry about this." Thursday: "Hello again it does not make me happy to tell you that we have had no tennis here today and the prospects are pretty gloomy."
Friday: (the camera panned across a line of rubber ducks and then on to Des's glum face) "Don't look to me for good news, it's still raining." Then, in a display of entirely groundless optimism, he took us through the day's order of play. Ho, ho, ho. Next he showed us Friday's weather map for Britain and Ireland. "Look - if we were playing this in County Cork we'd be all right," he observed and true enough - a corner of Bantry was the only part on the map not covered by a black blob.
That's when Daisy the Dog made her television debut. By then Des had interviewed everyone there was to interview. He'd already asked Tim Henman 87 times if he thought he could win Wimbledon. There are only so many ways you can say `hopefully'. "They say the best cure for stress is to spend time with your pet and, as today is National Take Your Dog To Work Day, I've brought my dog Daisy to work," he said. And there she was, sitting in the chair beside her master, with a Wimbledon tie around her neck, looking thoroughly bored.
"Daisy is a lady, she's one year old and she's been jolly well behaved I think, haven't you Daisy," said Des. "Now, no tennis around I'm afraid, grey skies everywhere. We haven't got anything to show you and there's no prospect of play at the moment." Daisy yawned a big yawn.
"But I have got some football news for you, just in." Daisy yelped. "Yes, haven't we?" "Pant, pant," said Daisy chirpily. A football fan then. "Teddy Sheringham has signed for Manchester United this afternoon from Spurs, for £3.5 million" he announced. Daisy tried to bark again but no sound came out of her mouth. Then she nearly slid off the side of her chair. A Spurs' season-ticket holder, perhaps?
"Yow, yow, yip, yap, hooooo," wailed distraught and distressed Daisy. (Translated from doggy-speak, "Yow, yow, yip, yap, hooooo" means "if I could get near Alan Sugar I would chew his leg right through to the bone before donating it to Pedigree Chum's makers who would add it to their `Liver and Chopped Up Football Chairmen Who Oversee the Decline of Once Great Clubs' variety"). "We better, rather quickly, join Gary Richardson who's got somebody else for us to meet," said a concerned Des.
And who was with Gary? None other than footballer Dennis Wise. "I just come today to see a bit of tennis basically," said Dennis. See tennis at Wimbledon? Huh. "Are you a big tennis fan," Gary asked of the 5ft 5in Chelsea man. "I like tennis yeah. I play a little bit meself - I can hit it over the net a few times, that's about it." "I wouldn't have thought you a big server then," asked 6ft 3in smartie pants Gary. "No I'm not, I can't reach that far," replied Dennis.
Back to the studio. Des was hugging a still distressed Daisy (whispering in her ear: "Spurs STILL have a great squad - there's Sold Campbell and there's ... well, there's Sol Campbell"). "No tennis still I'm afraid," said Des. "Yap, yow, yap, yap," answered Daisy. "I think you better take Daisy out Chris - meantime from me and from Daisy it's cheerio." "Yip, yap, yip, yoooow," said Daisy (translation: "we're going down, we're going down, we're going, Spurs are going down").
Meanwhile ... over on Network Two. Caroline Murphy and Jim Sherwin really couldn't take much more. It might pick up, the sun might shine, pigs might fly and we might get play," sighed Caroline. "What's the news from there Jim," she asked her unfortunate Wimbledon-based colleague. "It's steady unrelenting rain, it's still coming down, everyone's very depressed, there really isn't very much more to be said," sighed Jim.
A couple of hours later Caroline checked in on Jim again. By now he hated the world and he sounded like he was about to cry. "Just listen to this noise: lovely wet, watery, sprinkly, gurgling water ... I mean you don't expect it IN THE MIDDLE OF FLAMING JUNE," he howled.
No weather problems in Durban. "It's the middle of the South African winter but they're enjoying temperatures of 75 degrees," Sky Sports' Miles Harrison informed us on Saturday. (Yeah but are they TRULY happy?).
The day's coverage began with the tune `Knocking on Heaven's Door' and closed with `What A Wonderful World'. In between? Ooooh. Three Irish Lions (with a few British ones helping them out) fighting off a gang of 15 fired up Springboks to win the series. And Jeremy Davidson's jumping in the line-out? Why didn't NASA ask him to help out the lads in the damaged Mir Space Station while he was up there?
Meanwhile the `I can transform a pig's ear of a sporting event in to a very silky one in just one sentence' award of the week goes to, who else, Sid Waddell. "It's like the time in the pantomime when you have the love scene - nice and slushy and slow - and in walk two guys and they starting shouting `oh yes he will, oh no he won't'."
"THESE two get in, there's no messing around, no drama, clatter, bang, wallop and isn't it entertaining? It's greeeeeat. It's so aggressive - even Prince Naseem has times when he dances back, these two are just going at it hammer and tongs." What WAS he talking about? Tyson versus Holyfield in the Battle of the Lobes? Jackie Healy-Rae versus Bertie Ahern? Nope. Tony Knowles versus Jimmy White in the quarter-finals of the 1996 World Nine Ball Pool Masters from Doncaster. What can you, say? ("Yip, yap, yip, yoooow, suggests Daisy).
