England 1 Paraguay 0: As the Rolling Stones were wont to observe, you don't always get what you want, but if you try, sometimes you get what you need.
England came to Frankfurt on Saturday wanting to establish credentials as one of the contenders for this World Cup. They failed abjectly but they tried hard and wound up with a win and a dream result from the group's other game. Sufficient unto the day was the jamminess thereof.
As for Paraguay? What can we say? Had they been marginally less clueless, a little bit more ambitious, a tad luckier they could have got a draw from here and set themselves for some Houdini business in getting out of the group.
They came with a central plank of four players. Of those Roque Santa Cruz didn't look match fit. The goalie Justo Villar left the field after six minutes injured, in tears and with a goal in the debit column. The captain Carlos Gamarra made every mistake in the book including the flicked header of an own-goal which won the game for England.
Mistakes. When you play England, there are a couple of things you don't want to do. No set-piece opportunities, because whatever you think of David Beckham, he puts astonishing mischief on the ball when he strikes it. For the first 20 minutes Paraguay gave away frees and corners as if they were promotional partners in an exhibition of Beckham's dead-ball talents.
And you don't want to leave Frank Lampard and Steve Gerrard with space in front of your defence, because they will look up once and then they will shoot. All afternoon the Paraguayan defence would knock the ball out to either of the English central midfielders and then collectively close their eyes and wince. It was almost cute.
The game was only a couple of minutes old when the jackpot arrived for Sven-Goran Eriksson. Joe Cole won a free-kick out wide on the left. Mr Beckham issued one of his devilish, swirling kicks, which Gamarra helped to the Paraguayan net with the thinnest of headers.
Ouch! It looked for a while as if it could be a rout. Paraguay were certainly willing to do their part. Owen was allowed in for a one-on-one with the goalie, offering us the first indication that he, Owen, was anything but match fit. Beckham went round the full back as if he were invisible.
Then Villar the goalkeeper hurts himself and begins to weep like a baby. This can't be good for Paraguayan morale.
Things get worse when his replacement, Bobadilla, introduces himself by turning a harmless, routine backpass out for a corner, as if he were making the save of the century.
For 20 minutes or so England are convincing if toothless and lacking in pace. They explore the full range of Bobadilla's weaknesses and it seems to be only a matter of time before the dam breaks and England score more and Bobadilla begins to bawl.
But things are beginning to go wrong. England aren't suited to being a goal ahead of a weaker team. They should be going hammer and tongs but they start to roll the ball around as if they are Holland in the 1974 final with Germany.
Carlos Paredes has a thundering shot for Paraguay and even the South Americans are beginning to notice now that Owen is slower than a wet week in Cleethorpes and Crouch might meet any height requirement for forward play but lacks a little as an international target man. The Paraguayans are manhandling him energetically. The referee seems to think that a justifiable tactic.
It is as Sven and the crew will tell us later, quite hot, but not hot enough to justify the rate at which the game is deteriorating as a spectacle.
Joe Cole is the only English player showing any invention or urgency and Cole is so inconsistent you never know when this is going to abruptly stop.
The first half finishes with a little Paraguayan pressure. The Paraguayans don't seem to have expected it ever to come to this and haven't worked out any moves or tactics for in front of goal. They ping the ball at Rio Ferdinand and John Terry hopefully. Half-time comes as a relief to all.
After the break England looked as if they had been hypnotised rather than energised by Sven's shared thoughts. Repeatedly they gave the ball away to the embarrassed Paraguayans, who in truth had very little use for the thing. The game degenerates into a comedy of errors. Then Sven intervenes.
Stewart Downing is inserted into the action instead of Owen just to advertise the fact that of the four strikers Eriksson brought, two (Owen and Rooney) aren't fit, one (Walcott) came in at the boys' stile and the other (Crouch) is being gang-raped for fun by Paraguayan centre halves.
Jermaine Defoe must be vomiting in his sink as he sees Joe Cole switched inside while England go from 4-4-2 to 4-4-1-1.
Downing, bless him, transpires to be a one-trick pony. He gallops up the left wing at top speed and when he reaches the full back knocks the ball five yards past and competes in a race for it.
It takes Delio Toledo two minutes to figure that one out and after that he wins the ball just about every time Downing comes at him.
Thus it continues. Lampard and Gerrard alleviate the gloom with the odd thumper at goal. They are both admirers of the new, super-bouncy, super-treacherous ball Fifa have introduced for this tournament. When they get the hang of how to keep it down they will be dangerous.
Speaking of which, with about 10 minutes to go, Sven - who has been watching some other game - decides he has seen enough of England's reckless swashbuckling and withdraws Joe Cole in favour of the walking wet blanket who is Owen Hargreaves. Even the massed ranks of the England fans can scarce forbear to boo.
Finally it finishes. In front of us there is an England fan dozing happily. We envy him.
SUBSTITUTIONS
ENGLAND: Hargreaves for Joe Cole (82 mins), Downing for Owen (56 mins). Subs not used: Bridge, Campbell, Carragher, Carrick, Carson, James, Jenas, Lennon, Rooney, Walcott. Booked: Gerrard, Crouch.
PARAGUAY: Bobadilla for Villar (8 mins), Nunez for Toledo (82 mins), Cuevas for Bonet (68 mins). Subs not used: Barreto, Cabanas, Da Silva, Dos Santos, Gavilan, Gomez, Lopez, Manzur, Montiel. Booked: Valdez.
Referee: Marco Rodriguez (Mexico).
