Dear Mr Edwards,
So, you sold Manchester United to Rupert Murdoch for the good of the club and the good of the supporters? And to think you only got £85 million for your troubles. D'you know, you're a walking saint. How can we ever thank you?
So now United proudly slide into NewsCorp's world-wide portfolio, alongside The Sun, The News of the World, The New York Post, the London Times, the Los Angeles Lakers, the Los Angeles Dodgers, Harper Collins, Fox Sports Net . . . one big happy family, eh?
"I'm not about to do anything which will destroy the tradition and history of the club," you even managed to say yesterday, with a perfectly straight face, at your press conference. "That's my boy," Matt Busby probably said, as he smiled down upon you.
("Matt who?" you ask. Ah, just some auld codger who used to be employed by the club many moons ago).
Funnily enough, most United fans didn't actually realise that the club needed to be sold to Rupert to "guarantee a brighter future". We thought that the fact that United was already the richest club in Europe, with sufficient funds to buy the best players in the world, was enough to ensure that the future was already blindingly bright. But then, what do the fans know?
("Fans? What are they," you ask. Ah, just the sad losers who congregate outside Old Trafford on match days, pleading with touts to sell them a ticket for the game under £100. Not one Peter Schmeichel duvet cover between them - forget them Martin, they count for nothing).
So, what does the future hold for United now that you've been selfless enough to put Rupert in charge? Well, rumour has it (The Sun, to be exact) that Ronaldo, Owen, Shearer, Zidane, Del Piero, Davids, the De Boer brothers and Cafu will soon be taking their place in United's all-new 100-player squad.
And, if that's the case, we'll be able to field a fourth string team just to wrap up the league title by Christmas, EVERY season. Fantastic!
And the bookies won't even take bets in AUGUST on United winning the title. Fantastic! And games against Liverpool and Arsenal - never mind Charlton and Wimbledon - will be as competitive as a battle between the Red Army and the Manorhamilton branch of the FCA. Fantastic!
All of which will mean that the Premiership will become utterly meaningless. And English football, as we know it, will be dead on its feet. Em . . . fantastic.
But - there's always the European Super League, which, visionary that you are, you have been discussing (behind the Premier League's backs) with Media Partners for the past few months. No wonder you hit it off with Rupert.
Of course, being in tune with the fans' deepest desires, you realise that United's REAL rivalry is with AC Milan, Juventus, Real Madrid, Barcelona and Bayern Munich, NOT Liverpool, Leeds and Manchester City - that's all about history and tradition, and all that nonsense. ("Manchester City - who are they?," you ask. Ah, just some bunch of no-hopers who are supported by people from Manchester. "Manchester?" Ah, it's a city in the north-west of England, where United will remain based until Rupert builds that shiny new 150,000 all-seater stadium in Milton Keynes - handy for the club's REAL supporters, who fly in weekly from Ireland, Malta, Singapore, Norway and New Zealand. You know, the ones who shop in the Megastore).
Another good thing about the future of the club, under Rupert, is that we'll probably see the end of that annoying youth system, where you have to wait at least a couple of years for players like Giggs, Beckham, Gary and Phil Neville, Nicky Butt and Paul Scholes to develop into first team players.
Why wait, when you can sign established international megastars NOW? United fans will just have to learn to love these guys, as much as they loved the Busby Babes and Fergie's Fledglings, because THEY will certainly love a club that pays them £100,000 a week.
Oh, the future will dazzle United fans, Martin, thanks to you. In fact United will be SO big there'll be no one to compete with them, and that's what we want. Isn't it? Football is about winning, nothing else.
As Rupert, our new leader, said: "For better or for worse, News Corp is a reflection of my thinking, my character, my values." And now United is part of that - fantastic! It feels good to be a pawn in Rupert's empire. Football might be the loser, but United sure will be the winner.
As for those United fans who claim that your decision to sell to Rupert was the saddest day in the club's glorious history, well, they just don't understand, do they? "For Manchester United to be part of the Murdoch empire is, quite simply, nauseating," one of them even said. "You may have sold the club, but you'll never sell Manchester United," they whinged on. Huh! Forget them Martin, they're belong to the past - here's to the future, here's to Murdoch United. And thanks again.
PS: You know that £85 million you got? Don't spend it all in the one shop, okay?
