ON THE COUCH:'Soccer City Live' is the stuff of legend, like Eurovision meets You're on Sky Sports, writes MARY HANNIGAN

ORHAN FROM Azerbaijan asked in English if Portugal could beat Spain, so Gernot from Germany translated the question into French for Roger Milla from Cameroon. His answer was translated into English by a voice that came from absolutely nowhere, and the whole process took up half the show.

Truly, Eurosport's Soccer City Liveis the stuff of television legend, in a Eurovision-Meets-You're-on-Sky-Sports kind of way.

There was a time when it was alleged that while Eurosport might have been covering events live, its people weren’t at them: their commentators – like the one and only Archie MacPherson – sounded like they were based in their garden sheds.

But Gernot Bauer and his selection of very special guests are, most certainly, in South Africa, reporting nightly from a studio that appears to be in the car park of Johannesburg’s Soccer City Stadium.

Roger, he of the wiggly hips, is a regular, as is Patrick Kluivert, introduced by Gernot as “the best guy in the history of the Dutch national team”.

“Ah no, that would be Johann Cruyff,” Patrick didn’t say.

Instead he sat back to enjoy the little tribute Gernot had prepared for him, a montage of some of his better goals.

“Everybody in the studio was looking on with wery big eyes,” said Gernot, “stunning and impressive career there, Patrick.”

“Thanks,” he said.

“Patrick is not only good with his back to the goal but also with his face to the camera,” beamed Gernot as he turned his thoughts to the Spain v Portugal game. “David Villa can be the big star,” he asked Patrick.

“Yes, I played with him in Valencia,” he said, “he’s very stable, very agile and he’s two-feeted.”

Cristiano Ronaldo? “I don’t like him too much because he is a little bit of a diva sometimes,” said Gernot.

“Yes, he is every time falling,” agreed Patrick.

The highlight of the show – and, honest, there are many – is Fan Quest, when viewers send in questions via webcam, often, it seems, from their bedrooms. The pick of the bunch are sifted out by a woman known only as Lebu.

It was Adedeji in Norway’s turn the other night. “My question for the experts is what will be the key factor to winning the game?”

“Interesting question there,” said Lebu.

“Yes, quite an interesting question,” said Patrick, before telling Adedeji that skill would decide the game.

“Thank you,” said Adedeji.

“Sure,” said Patrick.

And Patrick is never afraid to express his opinion, disagreeing with Gernot, for example, before the England v Germany game.

“The German team is wery strong, strong enough to beat those routine English guys,” Gernot had said, but Patrick reminded him they had been a little bit too “euphoristic” after hammering Australia, and paid the price against Serbia.

“So, who will be winning the match,” asked Gernot.

“I think England will win because they are starting in the underdog and they know they are starting in the underdog so there is no expectation,” said the Dutchman.

“C’est 50-50,” said Roger. (“Roger says it’s 50-50,” said the voice.)

Patrick was also out of luck when with the Argentina v Mexico game, refusing to rule out the possibility of an upset. “You know, the ball is round, it’s a World Cup and Mexico did a great job – so why not?”

“Yes, they are a rather disturbing team to play,” said Gernot.

“C’est 90-10,” said Roger. (“Roger says it’s 90-10,” said the voice.)

Paraguay v Japan. “It’s a wery, wery brutal way to leave a tournament like this,” said Gernot, commiserating with Japan.

“Yeah, and both teams were quite equally,” agreed Patrick.

Spain v Portugal. “Small little Romain is with us now,” said Gernot, introducing the show’s “road runner”, a fella who had spent the afternoon in “a typical Portuguese tavern”.

“They are for sure the answer concerning who is going to win this match,” said Romain, who may or may not have been tipsy.

“Muito obrigado for that Romain,” said Gernot. (“Thank you very much for that Romain,” said the voice). Roger wasn’t there, but if he had been it would have been “50-50”. (“Roger would have said it’s 50-50.”)

In the end, though, it was only 1-0 (“In the end it was only 1-0”).

Muito obrigado Portugal, and buenas noches. See? It’s catching.