As an example of man's inhumanity to man it ranked amongst the more pitiless. "Have you heard the news," the Sky Sports reporter asked the Spurs fan he found walking past White Hart Lane last week.

"Wot news?"

"Spurs have appointed a new manager."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, he's foreign - can you guess who it is?"

Can you guess who it is? Pitiless. A little grin spread across the face of the Spurs fan as he tried to guess which world-renowned foreign coach was about to bring the glory days back to the Lane. Ha, no more cries of `Boring, boring Tottenham' from Arsenal fans. Fabio Capello's White and Navy Army? Arrigo Sacchi maybe? Or Louis Van Gaal? Leo Beenhakker? (Paidi O Se even?). "Who," he asked excitedly.

"Christian Gross," chuckled the evil Sky man. "Who," asked the Spurs fan again, this time a little less excitedly.

"Christian Gross. He's Swiss."

"You're taking the piss mate."

"No, I'm not - he's the new Spurs coach." The Spurs fan giggled nervously, stopped, then studied the face of the reporter, perhaps hoping to recognise him as Jeremy Beadle. Then his face fell, his shoulders dropped and he limped away, muttering something about rude about the Spurs chairman, Alan Sugar. Yes, pitiless. "Guess what Santa's brought you," the same reporter will probably ask his three-year-old child on Christmas morning. "Teletubbies," the emotionally-overcome-child will answer.

"No, a 1,000 piece jigsaw of a green field."

Spurs old boy Alan Mullery was as impressed by the appointment of Gross as the three-year-old will be by the jigsaw.

"If you asked 100 Spurs fans `who is Christian Gross' they'd say `is that a trick question'. I mean, who is Mr Gross," he asked Sky Sport Centre's Dominik Holyer on Wednesday night. Dominik couldn't help, he hadn't heard of him either. Except he knew he was manager of Grasshoppers of Zurich. "I am not impressed," said Mullery. "He's won the Swiss championship? But that is like winning the championship in Scotland - it is probably impressive in Switzerland, but not in England. We could all have won that," added the man whose last (brief) position in the game was as Barnet's Director of Football (an oxymoron, some claimed) - before leaving the club by mutual consent when they had one foot in the Doc Martens' League. Back to White Hart Lane for Mr Gross's introductory press conference. "I believe in strict discipline. I will have a strict dress code and strict punctuality. Everybody has to work hard. Teamwork is the key word in my job. I am looking for players who have hearts beating like lions inside their shirts," he said.

Team work? A strict dress code? Strict punctuality? Hearts beating like lions? "So you're selling David Ginola then," every reporter in the room wanted to ask, but didn't.

On to Saturday's Football Focus and another Spurs old boy, Gary Lineker, was trying to get Trevor Brooking to make sense of the appointment. "As one Swiss journalist put it, it's almost like an Englishman being elected as coach of the Swiss skiing team," said Gary. "Yeeeeeees," neighed Trevor. "How do you feel about the fact that the English coach seems to be an endangered species," Gary asked newly-appointed Sheffield Wednesday manager Ron Atkinson.

"It's a fad, innit," said Ron, who's sick of all these foreigners cluttering up his game. Especially the silly ones who wear sunglasses at night matches. But what about the future of Gerry Francis, the man Mr Gross replaced at Spurs? "He should go back to second or third division clubs, that's all he's good for," suggested that loveliest of men, football agent Eric Hall, on Channel Four's Under the Moon on Wednesday night.

And what about Mick McCarthy? "He should resign, he's done awful for 'em, he should be man enough and resign now."

And Glenn Hoddle? "He's a schmuck." (He's a `schmuck', by the way, because he won't pick Eric's leading client, Dennis Wise, for England).

Women footballers? "I do totally believe that women who want to play football are all lesbians," Eric declared. "You're speaking horse shit - my fiancee plays football and she's not a lesbian," said cricketer Dermot Reeve, who had the misfortune to be sitting beside Eric on the Under the Moon couch.

"What's her name, Harry?" asked Eric.

Well, if Eric has a problem with women footballers perhaps he should wait a few years to see a young girl by the name of Joelle in action. Joelle's Da is Ruud Gullit and her Grand Uncle is Johann Cruyff, which makes for an impressive pedigree, even Eric would have to agree.

"I understand congratulations are in order," said Sky's Richard Keys to Ruud after Chelsea's League Cup match against Southampton on Wednesday night. "A baby girl was born last night?"

"Yeah," said Ruud, "I think that was also one of the reasons that I was not so tuned in today, I had my head all the time with the baby. For me it was like a miracle, it's something you can't forget."

("That's lovely - now lads, what about the match," bemused studio guest Ray Wilkins would have said if he could have got a word in).

"Yeah, of course you can't, it's a wonderful moment," said Richard.

"Yeah, it is. Also you are there the whole day, you are a little bit stressed also, you are tired and you try to comfort also your girlfriend - she did well, she had a record because she did it in two and half hours. That is great."

("Eh lads, the match? You know, the thing I was brought here to discuss," Ray tried to say).

"Is that right? That beats my three and a half," said an impressed Richard.

"That is why her name is also Cruyff - Cruyffs are all fast, you know," explained Rudd, whose girlfriend Estelle is Johann Cruyff's niece.

("Yoo hoo, lads? Enough! Please," Ray tried to say again).

"Do we have a name for this young lady yet?"

"Yes, it's Joelle."

"Joelle? Well, congratulations to all three of you."

"Thank you very much, I'm very proud, I'm very happy, I can't say anything, many loves to my girlfriend, I'm very proud of you - maybe she's watching."

"Well let's hope so and well done to you all. Listen we could talk babies all night - I'm on to a subject here I'm in to," said Richard.

"Right, let's confirm the draw for the fifth round of the Coca Cola Cup, before we get back to the baby talk. Ray's a proud father as well, aren't you Ray?"

Ray? Ray? So afraid was he of being asked about Caesarian sections and epidurals, rather than flat back fours and sweeper systems, Ray had probably gone home by then. See what foreign managers have done to the game? You'd never get Big Ron to talk babies. Babes maybe, but not babies.