IF only Roger Carling had done a `Karl Le Tissier' last week, spoken to Radio Hampstead and revealed the English rugby team's game plan, our boys might only have lost by 30 points at Lansdowne Road.
If only Lennox Lewis had worn pink shorts instead of white, Oliver McCall would be WBC Heavyweight champion of the world. Oh the sporting world was stuffed with `if onlys' last week.
Here's another one. If only the real son (if she has one) of the woman Fred Cogley identified at Lansdowne Road as Mrs Underwood was playing on the wing for England, he probably wouldn't have scored two tries and helped ruin our entire weekend. Confused? Well, so was Fred on Saturday afternoon.
One of the more famous sporting parents of our time is Rory and Tony Underwood's Ma who we have seen many a time dancing in the aisles at Twickenham after one, or both, of her boys has helped England on their way to a victory with the odd try or two. Fred thought he spotted the very same woman in the stands at Lansdowne Road just before kick-off.
"There's Rory Underwood's mother in the crowd watching her son Tony Underwood playing today on the left wing for England," he said. Well, it will probably come as a very big surprise to the woman in question when she hears Tony and Rory are her sons because, well, she wasn't Mrs Underwood. As to her true identity - answers on a postcard to Fred Cogley, RTE.
Black to those big white shorts that technically knocked-out poor old Oliver McCall in Las Vegas nine days ago. On Tuesday night Sky Sports finally broadcast an unscrambled version of the Night of Champions for those of us who spent the previous weekend watching scrambled pictures (and most of the Monday after in the opticians).
At least on Tuesday we had the benefit of hindsight and knew, before the fight started, that all was not well in Oliver's head. And great gas it was too listening to commentator Reg Gutteridge exclaim, "he's really confident - he's up for this one," as Oliver stormed in to the ring. "Yeah, I really feel this fight could go all the way - if not all the way, it will be a long fight," added co-commentator Jim Watt, confidently, after the first two rounds.
No sooner had the prediction left Jim's lips than all the trouble began with Oliver going walkies around the ring and showing no interest in mixing it with big Lennox. "I hope he's not getting messages from above - they're not going to help him," said Reg of the born-again boxer. "Well we've certainly had two rounds of `turn the other cheek'," complained Jim who wanted blood, at least.
Finally the referee, Reg and Jim copped on that Oliver wanted to go home with an unblemished face and a bemused Lennox was declared the winner on a technical knock-out ... probably the only kind of knock-out he was going to get on the night. "Crazy as a coot, this is," complained Reg.
So, just what was going on in Oliver's head? The inquest went on all week. "To many it looked as though he had been spaced out in the fight - had he been taking drugs again," wondered Sky Sport's Dominik Holyer on Tuesday.
"There were no drugs whatsoever with Oliver McCall," Elias Ghanem, the chairman of the Nevada State Athletic Commission, reassured Dominik. "We tested him two days before the fight and right after and he was clean." Couldn't possibly have been drugs then. The mystery deepened.
Just as curiosity was out to kill us, Sky finally solved the mystery when they replayed Lennox's post-fight interview with the man from HBO Sports in America. "Do you think he was having some kind of breakdown in the ring," he inquired.
"I don't know. . . I wore these white shorts for a reason," said Lennox, mysteriously.
"What was the reason," asked our puzzled HBO man. "Oh, just to look good and have a mental kind of stress on him, you know, seeing me come out as a gladiator in some sense," `explained' Lennox. (And you thought Oliver was the only one on drugs).
Des Lynam obviously tuned in to this interview as well because when he spoke to Lennox on Wednesday's Sportsnight, he asked for some clarification on the "big white shorts" issue. Lennox looked embarrassed, perhaps not realising that the HBO interview would be shown in a country where he was known. "It was meant to put some kind of mental strain on his head," he mumbled.
"Well, it seemed to work ... but why should white shorts put a mental strain on him," asked a sceptical Des who, by now, had heard it all.
"Um, there's more to it," giggled a mortified Lennox who now regretted ever mentioning his bloody white shorts in the first place.
Thursday The Frank Skinner Show. Hey, it's Lennox ... again. "I saw you interviewed in the ring after the fight and an American interviewer asked you why you thought McCall behaved strangely and you said maybe it was your shorts ... it was a strange night all round, wasn't it Lennox," said Frank
John from Liverpool isn't a Lennox fan. "I want to say something about the state of British heavyweight boxing," he said when he phoned in to Wednesday's Under the Moon on Channel Four. "There's Lennox Lewis, walking around the ring for four and half minutes after a guy with his hands down by his side ... AND HE STILL COULDN'T GET A PUNCH ON HIM," he howled. Mmm, John had a point...but then again, Lennox didn't need to get a punch on Oliver - those big white shorts did the trick.
