ON THE COUCH:Pundits' pre-match confidence disappears as Cape of Good Hope turns into Cape Fear
BY THE close of Day Eight 35.9375 per cent of the games had already been played, a stat so utterly distressing all you could do to lift your spirits was vow to savour the remaining 64.0625, and stop whinging about that grating noise coming from the telly. Alan Shearer, the vuvuzela of World Cup punditry.
Germany v Serbia. We couldn’t actually see Mick McCarthy, but when Miroslav Klose was sent off we sensed he was on his knees offering thanks to his preferred higher power, possibly Jack, for being a player in the last century, rather than this one.
Remember the reporter who likened Marco van Basten’s movement to that of a ballet dancer, in Mick’s presence? “But you can’t pirouette on a limp, Marco,” he replied. Now? Changed times, utterly. Klose dismissed for inhaling oxygen, according to Mick. The referee? “A clown. Can I say that?” Too late Mick, you just did.
USA v Slovenia. When the European lads went 2-0 up the camera picked out a discombobulated American fan in the crowd. “Hey! What’s going on,” he asked the heavens. Brother, brother, brother, a truly weird, wacky and wonderful World Cup.
“I tell you something,” Alan Hansen declared at half-time “the law of averages state that sooner or later I’m going to get something right, so what I will say now is that Slovenia are going to win this match.” “That’s brave,” sighed Gary Lineker.
Forty-five minutes later. “As you said at half-time, there was no way back for the Americans,” chuckled Gary, who confessed he didn’t quite know what result would have been best for England. Liverpool’s alleged-manager-elect Roy Hodgson told him not to fret. “I really don’t think it matters, England are so much the best team in this group that really we shouldn’t even be bothering ourselves with what the other teams are doing.” Right so.
So then, England. A big night for Fabio. An even bigger one for ITV, still having the bejaysus mercilessly slagged out of them for trying to flog its HD viewers a Hyundai vehicle at the very moment Steven Gerrard scored against the USA.
As Sally, a Telegraph reader, put it: “I was watching my HD TV, And saw Heskey pick out Stevie G, But the next thing I saw, After Stevie had scored, came with a three-year warranty”
The A team on duty, Kevin Keegan, Gareth Southgate and Patrick Vieira. Pardon? You’d hate to see their reserves? Behave.
Team news. Robert Green, appropriately enough, dropped. Jamie Carragher in for Ledley King. A lack of pace in the back four? “But the first four or five yards is in yer ’ead,” Kev reassured Adrian Chiles.
Gareth Barry? “You need someone who’ll fill a gap and run in to an area where the ball isn’t,” Andy Townsend told Jim Rosenthal. Jim beamed. He was excited about Barry being in the team and suspected his ability to run in to an area where the ball isn’t made him a composite of Bobby Charlton, Tom Finney, Nat Lofthouse, Alan Ball, Nobby Stiles and Carlton Palmer. Algeria? Bring ’em on.
Kev was no less exhilarated by the Villa man’s return. “He’ll give you eight out of eight every week. He won’t get 10, but he’ll never dip below eight. Or seven.” Prediction time.
“We’ll come top of our group, easy. And then we’re gonna win the next match, easy. And then we’re gonna win the next match, easy. And then we’re gonna win it all, easy. Sorted.” Thanks for that, well-oiled Johannesburg-based England fan. “Obviously 10-0 would be nice, but, um, I don’t think that’s realistic.” Thanks for that, Prince William.
Andy had Jim beaming again. “I don’t think England have any reason to panic – Algeria will be spirited, they’ll be plucky, they’ll have big hearts, but they’re not the most talented side.”
Match time. “Good evening from the Cape of Good Hope. Enough said.” By half-time, though, Clive Tyldesley had relocated to Cape Fear. “At best nervy, at worst pretty awful,” said a near tearful Adrian, “as nervous as turkeys at Christmas, we look frightened to death.”
Kev was edging towards the crestfallen. He would love it, just love it, if England could beat Algeria, but he was beginning to wonder. “If we carry on like this we can’t win this competition,” he said, and while Patrick hadn’t the heart to say it you knew he was thinking: “If you carry on like zis you won’t get out of ze group”.
Second half. Seriously, Burnley on a bad day would have caused Algeria more trouble. “Your worst nightmare,” said Andy, as the game neared the 90th minute. “It could be worse,” said Clive at the final whistle. True. Spirited, plucky, big-hearted England had, after all, held on for a point.
