TV VIEW: Kenmare is a haven of tranquillity, gourmet food, superb accommodation and breathtaking scenery in one of the most natural, unspoilt environments in Europe," says the tourist guide.

"Founded in 1670, though many generations have passed since then, the unique charm and inherent beauty of the town remains unchanged."

Until, perhaps, Vinnie Jones arrived.

"It's a mess, innit," said Vinnie to the man entrusted with the task of building his Kerry holiday home, while pointing at what appeared (to this viewer, at least) to be a rather agreeable patch of unspoilt Kenmare land, sprinkled, as Vinnie put it, with "Ash trees and stuff".

"Take all that crap out," he said, thrusting his index finger in a direction that appeared to encompass Kenmare itself and its entire population.

His project manager gulped. Hard. He delicately hinted that the land should be left as it was. Vinnie ignored his pleas. "If you could rip all this out as well," he said, pointing to Cork. "The nature of the ground," said the project manager, apologetically, "is that you won't get a lawn like you get in Hertfordshire." Vinnie's facial scowl said: "Well why not dig up Kenmare, then, toss it in the sea and ship a bit of Hertfordshire over 'ere, you plonker."

It's the kind of pro-active approach that served Vinnie so well during his football career - i.e. if you can't beat the opposing team's midfield in terms of skill and all-round ability, then put 'em in casualty - and he sees no reason why he can't apply the same set of tactics to the building of holiday homes in south-west Ireland.

The only comfort for the Kerry tourist board in all of this was that Vinnie didn't propose that Kenmare be tarmacadamed. But give him time. Although, you did get the feeling that he intended doing to one of Kerry's lovelier spots what he did to Paul Gascoigne's privates all those years ago - serious damage.

"The best time to go to Eyeland," he told the BBC 3 reporter en route to Kenmare, "is when you feel like your 'ead is absolutely in a vice".

Bord Fáilte, in our humble opinion, could do worse than use 'The best time to go to Eyeland is when you feel like your 'ead is absolutely in a vice' as the catchphrase in their next advertising campaign. But they're the experts, so the decision is theirs.

But if they're looking to add to their list of reasons for touristy people to visit Kenmare they can mention the fact that John Travolta occasionally goes there.

"Not sure if it's his mother or father is from Kenmare," Vinnie told us, "but it's one of 'em". We'd hazard a guess it's John's Ma, if only because Travolta doesn't appear in the top 10 list of 'most common Kenmare names'.

Anyway. Vinnie's adventures in Kenmare featured in the latest of BBC 3's 20-part (count 'em) fly-on-the-wall series on the former-footballer/currently-out-of-work-actor's life.

His ambition, we learnt, is to replace Russell Crowe as General Maximus Decimus Meridus in the sequel to Gladiator. In fairness, it was Vinnie, and not Maximus, who first came up with the phrase "At my signal, unleash hell" in his playing days, so he's probably well qualified. We can see it now: "My name is Maximum Decimals Meridian - got a problem with that?"

As if proof were needed that Vinnie is a multi-talented chappy we saw him recording his album of soul cover versions (Respect - it's in the shops now, filed between It ain't half hot Mum and Allo Allo in the comedy section).

"Eyes shut, total vibe, yeah," said the producer. "Yeah," said Vinnie. Deep breath. "Sittin' . . . cough . . . SITTIN' in the mornin' sun, I'll be sittin' . . . phlegm spew . . . SITTIN' when the evenin' come, watchin the ships roll in, then I watch 'em roll away, a-gollier-gain". Sweet Jesus.

"Na, this is all f***ing echo in 'ere, it's slaughtering me," said Otis Jones. "Sounded great," said the producer, whose major credit before Vinnie was Andrew Lloyd Webber. Case rested, your honour.

Little wonder, then, that we tuned into ITV's Real Footballers' Wives for light relief. Trashy, tacky and downright shabby. In other words, terrific.

Many highlights - our favourite, though, was the exchange between Wimbledon's Mark Williams and his model girlfriend (no kiddin') Leilani Dowding.

"Thirty days are October, May, June and December," said Leilani, "how do you know what the days are for the rhyme? They can be anything." "Whaaaaaat," said Williams. "Well, it could be 30 days of November, October, May and December - that still rhymes."

Williams thought for a second (we knew this because his forehead wrinkled), then put his hand in Leilani's troubled face and said, "sleep". Which she did along with most of the viewers.