Planet Football: There'll be no touchline ban this time but Jose Mourinho, you might have read, has been in trouble with the authorities again - the authorities at his 11-year-old daughter Matilde's school, that is.
Our problem is choosing which version of the story to believe, because there have been quite a few, the most popular being that Jose had an altercation with a 12-year-old boy, Pedro Antonio, after the young fella upset Matilde.
Portuguese newspaper Correio da Manhaclaimed that Jose hunted down the lad, held him by the hair and "pulled his ears", something he might have liked to have done to Arsene Wenger on occasions.
The headmistress, by all accounts, summoned Jose to her office where, lower lip quivering, he apologised to the boy and his parents.
Quite what Pedro said to Matilde to so upset Jose, we're not sure.
Did he, for example, chant "there's only one Roman Abramovich" in the schoolyard? No, insisted the headmistress, "Matilde claimed her dad was the best but the boy said he wasn't, it was as simple as that."
Yesterday's Sunday People, though, disputed this account, alleging that little Pedro said to Matilde: "Your dad's got a nice backside, but you're ugly." The Sunday People, one suspects, will be hearing from Pedro's lawyers.
Quotes of the week
"Superman! Super goal!" - Sven-Goran Eriksson on Stephen "is it a bird, is it a plane?" Ireland's goal celebration against Sunderland.
"He's a complete fruitcake, that bloke, isn't he? We've got to be careful with him, he's after the old crazy mantle and he's going to win it hands down." - Plymouth manager Ian Holloway fears Stephen Ireland will take away his fruitcake crown.
"I still believe, come the end of the season, he has a great chance of being our top scorer . . . although you might say that's not going to be difficult." - Roy Keane confident that Michael Chopra can hit the five-goal mark before May.
"I went to see them play in midweek - I didn't realise you could travel so far and still be in England." - Bournemouth manager Kevin Bond after a 300-plus mile trip to watch FA Cup opponents Barrow in action.
"It's no skin off my back. To be honest, I enjoy it." - Bristol City's former Wolves' winger Michael McIndoe insisting the poor reception he got on his return to Molineux was water off a duck's nose.
More quotes of the week
"Everything's been so positive and smooth. Apart from, obviously, the season." - David Beckham on how life in America has been triffic, if you forget about the football bit.
"David is very, very tidy and I am not. Even our fridge is colour-coded. If he does the cleaning, he vacuums in straight lines - in a pinny. And if anyone walks around after he's done it, he gets funny." - Meanwhile, Victoria Beckham reveals what David has been doing with his free time in Los Angeles.
"Even the chef's been out for two weeks with a hernia." - Alan Curbishley on West Ham's injury crisis, which has now reached the kitchens.
"It's just a game of football. There are 1.2 billion people in India who couldn't give a shit what happened to Reading . . . I've never enjoyed my job. Never. Why do I do it? I've got bills to pay." - Steve Coppell loving every moment of managerial life.
"We miss him a little bit . . . if we can get him back quickly it would be good. At the moment we are coping very good and playing some good football, so it's good . . . so far, so good." - Michael Essien on life without the injured John Terry. It's all good.
Lampard a true blue
We've never been entirely certain why Frank Lampard gets such a hard time from England supporters, and we remain unconvinced that the source of the loathing is the fact that he went to a posh private school and got four As, five Bs and a C in his GCSEs. Including an A-star in Latin, which must come in handy in the Chelsea dressingroom.
Conservative Party leader David Cameron seems not to be aware of just how unpopular Lampard is, otherwise he'd hardly have highlighted the news, on his own website, that the player has publicly declared he's a big fan of the ambitious politician.
"I had a really good chat with David," said Lampard, "as a footballer I don't want to get involved with the campaigning thing, but I am a Tory and I really like David Cameron."
This revelation has all but guaranteed that Lampard will, at best, get one out of 10 in the Labour-supporting Daily Mirror'splayer ratings from here on in, the paper claiming last week that "team-mates have always suspected the 29-year-old was a closet Conservative".
They also quoted a friend revealing that, "Frank has got some very strong opinions on the way the country should be run", but we trust he isn't one of those Tories who objects to foreigners taking British jobs - you know, foreigners like Didier Drogba, Petr Cech, Michael Essien, Ricardo Carvalho and (repeat to fade).
Anyway the Mirror'sBrian Reade was unamused.
"I've been meaning to do a piece for a while asking why so many England fans have developed a pathological hatred for Frank Lampard . . . why the lynch mob?"
Then Reade heard about Lampard's Tory tendencies and concluded: "I realise now how much we tend to underestimate the intelligence of the lynch mob."
Even more quotes of the week
"I have the great fortune of being able to eat at the best restaurants where the food is prepared the best and there are the noblest wines." - Cristiano Ronaldo after washing down a chicken curry with a bottle of Black Tower.
"I dated a girl from Manchester and she showed me that steak pies and chips are very good." - Ronaldo again, this time on his introduction to the noblest of English grub.
"I am thinking about winning. It would be a show of false modesty on my part to say that I'm not." - Didier Drogba dusts his mantelpiece in anticipation of being awarded the European Footballer of the Year gong.
"Look at the way people look up to Jodie Marsh and Jordan. But what are they actually famous for? Well, apart from the obvious." - Blackburn's David Bentley. What can he mean?
"I am Anderson, not Veron or Kleberson. This is the difference." - Manchester United's latest South American recruit tries to calm supporters' fears.
