TV VIEW: Not three bad as Bill and Trap's boys begin the drive for nine – points out of nine

SO THEN, our competitive telly debut in the new stadium, the house less than full, the only cheap seats the ones in our living rooms. Céad Míle Fáilte Andorra, but let the drive for six commence. Six points, that’d be.

Some important news from Moscow, Slovakia beating Russia.

“And not many teams go to Russia and win, I’ll tell you that now,” a gobsmacked Steve Staunton told Sky Sport’s Julian Warren.

Over on RTÉ, though, John Giles was less dumbfounded, insisting that it was only a good result for Ireland “on paper”, and, in Gilesie’s book, results on paper don’t mean nothing at all.

On to the business in hand. No changes in the Irish starting line-up.

“Which I think is disappointing,” said Bill.

“I don’t,” said Eamon Dunphy.

But Gilesie was marginally disappointed, while Liam Brady initially wasn’t disappointed at all, but ended up half-agreeing with Bill that Darron Gibson had disappointingly, not replaced the previously disappointing Paul Green.

In some ways, said the lady at the bacon counter yesterday, Gibson is our new Andy Reid/Stephen Ireland, his absence persuading us he’s the Republic’s Lionel Messi. But when he plays we realise he’s just Darron Gibson.

She had, you have to say, a point.

And what of Kevin Kilbane?

Bill: “You were saying the last time that he shouldn’t be on the team because he’s gone.”

All: “Who said that?”

Bill: “Well . . .”

Dunphy: “Have you been taking tablets, Bill?”

Bill: “Well . . .”

Giles: “I didn’t say that.”

Bill: “Well . . .”

Dunphy: “He’s not gone, Bill, he’s going.”

Sure, when you think about it, aren’t we all?

Ad break, George Hook going on about his personal helpline again.

“We want a feeling that the person on the other end of the phone feels as passionately about my problem as I do,” he keeps telling us.

Please God his problem will never be the loss of the Six Nations to Sky, how would he fill his time at the weekend?

Back at Sky, of all places, Julian reminded us that Steve once managed Ireland, as if we . . . stop.

“How would you have prepared the team for this game,” he asked.

“Well obviously a wee bit different from what Mr Trapattoni’s doing,” he said, before outlining a plan of attack – attack, attack, attack – that would have left Andorra as lambs to the slaughter.

They were less sure of a goalfest on RTÉ.

Brady: “Three or four.”

Giles: “No more than three.”

Dunphy: “Three, two, I wouldn’t be going for four.”

Down to the pitch, Robbie Keane’s Fair Play statement abandoned due to a dodgy mic. Robbie looked gutted.

“Only 11 minutes in,” said Ronnie, “and what’s blatantly obvious is that these can’t really play.”

A bit rough on Trap’s lads, early days yet. Indeed, three minutes later Kilbane proved he might be going but he’s not gone just yet by soaring like a vulture and scoring a mighty fine goal. And only 26ish minutes later Kevin Doyle made it 2-0. Floodgates opened. Floodgates closed. Andorra. Goal. Cripes.

Meanwhile. Scoreflash.

“The headline that Wayne Rooney would have wanted, the first goal in Basel,” said George Hamilton, heroically resisting the temptation to tell us it wasn’t the first time the lad had scored away from home. Hats off.

Half-time. “Who would have believed that?” asked a woebegone Bill, none of his panel raising a hand.

Gilesie looked particularly peeved, although the lighting in the studio that turned his hair purple, making him look for all the world like an elderly lady from Oklahoma touring Bunratty Castle, made it hard to focus on his analysis. If Barney the Dinosaur had been on the panel he’d have been invisible to the naked eye.

Second half. Scoreflash: Scotland 0 Liechtenstein 1. Granted, according to the always reliable Wikipedia, Andorra is bigger than Liechtenstein (and its president is Whitney Houston), but still: there but for the Grace of God . . .

Back in Dublin. Robbie, 3-1, laughing. Floodgates re-opened? Well, no.

Full-time. Bill was wholly unimpressed. “But there are no easy games in international football,” said Liam, which almost had Bill pirouetting uncontrollably in his chair. “It’s a pretty picture, Bill,” Brady tried to reassure him, as the group table popped up on the screen.

Six points out of six then, which is 110 per cent in anyone’s book.

Including Steve Staunton’s. “Six points, as we say, psychologically, you’d be looking at the top of the table tonight, six points, it doesn’t matter who you play, as we say.”

True enough. Roll on the drive for nine.