Very true: "Had we not got that second goal the score might well have been different." Despite displaying this level of footballing astuteness David Pleat still lost his job at Tottenham.

"You have to score goals these days to win international matches."

- BBC Radio 5's Jimmy "on the ball" Armfield.

"He speaks Portuguese which helps, with all the Brazilians in the world."

- Tony Adams, on one of Jose Mourinho's many assets.

"When a goalkeeper makes a save you have to see what would have happened if the ball had gone in to classify it as a great save."

- David James. Enough said.

"If you keep hitting yourself on the head with a hammer sooner or later you're going to realise that if you stop doing it the pain goes away."

- Rodney Marsh's analysis of Norwich's season so far.

Rooney tunes: Gary Newbon (ITV): "David, was Wayne Rooney disappointed to lose his youngest goalscorer record on Monday to the Swiss striker?"

David Beckham: "No, but I'm sure it'll just make him even more determined to get it back against Portugal tonight."

"Rooney's so strong he can do anything. He would be the ideal person to help you move house."

- Spain's Michel Salgado on other uses for the big lad.

"People keep forgetting he's only 18."

- Beckham, after Rooney lost the plot against Spain (note: Rooney is, eh, 19).

"He's a beer-burger-brothel-bomber - and he likes to shoot in the dark. Ferguson says he doesn't really have to train Rooney as it all comes natural for him. Why? Rooney's motto is: brain out, ball in."

- German paper Das Bild's affectionate tribute to young Wayne and his off-the-field activities.

Incorrect, politically: "Well, if Asians were good enough they'd be playing, wouldn't they? And anyway, their parents want them to go into law and that".

- Keith Curle's considered explanation for why so few Asians are involved in English football.

"I am Welsh and people shout 'sheep' at me, that sort of thing."

- Aston Villa's Mark Delaney.

"I am certain that the players want to take measures to fight against racism . . . I will ask them to paint their faces black before they go on to the pitch next Sunday."

- Angel Torres, president of Getafe, on his ingenious plan to tackle racism in Spanish football.

"All I did was to motivate the gypsy by telling him he was better than the black."

- Spanish coach Luis Aragones explaining why he told Jose Antonio Reyes that he was "better than that black shit", Thierry Henry. Luis? Stop digging. . .

"My vicar was a black guy."

- Ron Atkinson, providing proof positive that he's no racist.

Mystifying: "I don't accept not playing and I'm not learning to deal with it. I'm just dealing with it, if you like, because I don't want to ever learn how to deal with it."

- Everton goalkeeper Richard Wright. Dealing with it. Or not.

"I don't think Blackburn were unlucky, you make your own luck. They missed chances and luck is about taking your chances, but at half time I said to the boys: 'we've been lucky here'."

- Bobby Robson, unlucky in 2004.

"Except for the two goals I don't think they had one occasion to score."

- Sven Goran Eriksson, after England's 2-2 draw with Austria. That's a very big 'except', Sven.

"Robbie Fowler has been scoring goals like that since before he was almost born."

- Kevin Keegan. We can say no more than that.

"Wolves will be like lambs to the fodder tomorrow."

- Dave Beasant (on BBC Radio 5). Maybe he meant they'd be cannons to the slaughter?

About face: January: "Over my dead body will he go there (Chelsea). They have an owner who has no philosophy . . . they just buy expensive players and think it will make them a great team. Old Trafford is the only place he wants to play . . . he would rather play in United's reserves than at Chelsea."

March: "I have the impression that Chelsea have a good vision for the future. It is not a club where they just buy anything that comes along . . . Arjen will certainly be part of the starting line-up."

- Hans Robben, whose son Arjen stepped over his Da's ailing body to sign for Chelsea.

October 2003: "I understand Newcastle are a big club but I cannot see myself playing for them. I mean no disrespect to the club, but it is not the move I am looking for."

July 2004: "I'm very excited to have signed for such a fantastic club as Newcastle. There's no doubt they are one of the biggest clubs in England."

- Patrick Kluivert.

August: "Anyone who questions Michael Owen's ability is a cretin."

October: "Owen is a galactico de pacotilla (junk galactico) . . . let's face it, Owen is not a galactico. No, no, no."

- Spanish newspaper columnist Tomas Roncero.

July: "Jonathan Woodgate . . . will only leave St James' Park over my dead body."

August: "Which player wouldn't want to sign for Real Madrid . . . we have to wish Jonathan well and hope it goes well for him."

- Newcastle chairman Freddy Shepherd.

June: "You don't sack Sir Bobby Robson."

August: "I don't want to be known as the man who shot Bambi."

- Shepherd again . . . after sacking Bobby Robson.

And finally..."How ugly is Ronaldinho! There was no point buying him, it wasn't worth it. He's so ugly that he'd sink you as a brand. Between Ronaldinho and Beckham, I'd go for Beckham a hundred times. Just look how handsome Beckham is, the class he has, the image. The whole of Asia has fallen in love with us because of Beckham. Ronaldinho is too ugly."

- An unnamed Real Madrid official.

"The overhead kick could have gone anywhere, but it didn't."

- Mark Bright, sharing his footballing expertise with BBC viewers.

"We are now ranked worse than teams like Guatemala and Zambia. Where is it all going to end?"

- Gordon McQueen expressing some concerns about Scotland's progress under Berti Vogts.

"Sex, Football, Beer - Have I Forgotten Anything?"

- The slogan on a Danish supporter's t-shirt at Euro 2004.

"In every squad there are five completely stupid players and at least one of those would end up begging on the streets if he didn't play professional football."

- Hertha Berlin's Hans Meyer. Lovely.

"In case you're wondering Jagielka is related to his younger brother at Sheffield United, Phil."

- Sky Sports' Kevin Keating.

"Five-four? That's not football - that's a hockey match."

- Jose Mourinho, upon hearing that Arsenal had beaten Spurs by the odd goal in nine.