Two debilitating conditions, Astairus Flexibus and Allis in De Mindus, not known to the medical profession, appear to be central to Nick Faldo's prolonged slump on the US Tour.
More commonly referred to as `Fred Astaire's knee' and `analysis paralysis', at least by troubled golfer Faldo, these complaints have seen the six-time major winner struggle to muster four decent rounds of golf in succession. He admitted that constantly tinkering with his swing could be backfiring on him.
"I've just noticed a few things with my leg action, especially my left knee, which must have thought that it was Fred Astaire for a while since it was leaping around so much. But I have managed to quieten it down and feel that has helped."
Faldo also accepts that he needs to take time off and relax more. "I've probably been thinking about things a little too much and maybe the best advice for my game at the moment is to spend more time fishing. Maybe I have bogged myself down and not discovered enough time to switch off."
But despite these problems those who wish to hasten his demise would do well to remember the English hack sent to write his obituary at the 1991 Irish Open, only for Faldo to go on and win the tournament.
Thomas Brolin should now be known for his largesse, as well as his large ass. The Swedish blimp brings a whole new meaning to personal fan club. The once brilliant midfielder is very popular in his home town of Hudiksvall, a tiny ice-bound hamlet in the north of Sweden.
Once a year he takes the entire population - or, more accurately, 75 of his childhood neighbours - to watch him play for his latest club whether it is Sundsvall, Norrkoping, Parma, Leeds or, currently, Crystal Palace. The bill this season came to about £40,000, roughly four weeks' salary.
Brolin's mates have hopefully gorged themselves on those excursions because there don't appear to be too many more on the horizon for the roly poly star. Having once cut a dash as an inspirational figure for Sweden and Parma, a player who destroyed England in the 1992 European Championship and emerged as a star in the 1994 World Cup finals, he is but a shadow, albeit a much larger one, of his former self.
A broken leg at Parma and a year languishing in the reserves precipitated a move to Yorkshire. Brolin's career deteriorated quickly at Leeds United, his energy devoted to ridiculing the club, his boss Howard Wilkinson and the climate. A devotee of nightclubs, Swedish ones meant that a few Lord Lucans and £60,000 in fines later, Leeds decided to cut their losses, paying him £140,000 in compensation.
His £10,000 a week salary at Palace looks like coming to an end, although he is trying to negotiate a new contract. So his Swedish pals might have to settle for a trip to a local greenfield site or perhaps, in Brolin's case, he may move the goalposts and opt for a nice meal instead.
England coach Glenn Hoddle is very touchy about keeping the faith. He has no problems seeking advice from Eileen Drewery but he refuses to have the truth bent. Hoddle has begun High Court proceedings against psychic Uri Geller, seeking damages for libel and malicious falsehood over claims that he took part in a spiritual ritual at Geller's home.
Drink tequila and scale the heights. An innocent enough slogan but one which Roderick Baber seems to be taking to extremes. Baber (27) will lead a team of four to climb the highest mountains or peaks in all 47 European countries in 180 days. The idea materialised while he pored over some tequila.
Baber started by climbing with his father in the Brecons, won a Duke of Edinburgh Gold Award, climbed in the Himalayas at the age of 21, took a year off to teach Aboriginal children in Australia's Northern Territory, twice scaled Mount Blanc and then headed to the top of the 22,835-foot Aconcagua in the Andes, the highest peak in the Americas. Beats the hell out of `I was on the School Debating team'.
Included in the challenge will be our own Carrauntohill, nothing more than a curvaceous foothill in the scale of things.
Lazio have become first Italian club to go public. Private and institutional investors have been offered 20 million shares. The introduction to the Stock Exchange will raise 130 billion lire, about $73 million and set the market value of the club at 290 billion lire.
Even in a non-Olympic year, the American Olympic NBC network qualified as the United States' highest rated TV broadcaster. NBC Sports earned seven Sports Emmy Awards, more than any other cable or network station as presented by the National Academy of Television Arts and Sciences.
The categories were all encompassing . . . eh, actually just pretty silly in some cases. There was an award for `Outstanding Opens/ Closes/Teases. Translated that actually meant that NBC's closing package of the Ironman World Triathlon won an Emmy.
Emmy winners included
Bob Costas for Outstanding Sports Personality/Play by Play;
Joe Morgan, Outstanding Sports Personality/Event Analyst;
Cris Collinsworth, Outstanding Sports Personality/Studio Analyst. Dick Enberg won a fourth Emmy for something altogether more mundane . . . writing.
It pays to win but it pays even better to be a mediocre American-born runner. The land of the free has suddenly rediscovered prejudice in terms of foreigners or, more pointedly, classy Kenyan athletes.
At the 1997 Bolder Boulder, one of the premier distance races in the United States, Kenyan men captured six of the first eight places. The previous year eight of the top 10 finishers were Kenyan.
Miffed at the dominance of the interlopers and frustrated by the talented but taciturn Kenyans whom the marketing buffs had labelled a disaster, the organisers of the event decided that something had to be done.
They changed the rules so that only three foreigners can compete in the new team event while there is unlimited access to Americans. Bill Reef, the director of the May 25th race, admitted: "We hope to level the playing field," before real xenophobia kicked in with Reef adding: "It's our country, our event and our money."
The Kenyans understandably consider this a little racist, against the spirit of competition and in all honesty a concession that American athletes are not capable of competing with the world's best.
Last Summer the George Sheehan five-mile race in Red Bank, New Jersey used a team format that excluded Kenyans, the 15-kilometre Gate River Run in Jacksonville, Florida and the Pittsburgh Marathon award prizemoney only to Americans.
The growing hostility has disillusioned Kenyan runners like Godfrey Kiprotich who supports a family of 10 on his earnings. "Last year I won a race and got $2,500 while the best-placed American, way behind me, received $5,000. How can the American be motivated to run better?"
