Leinster SHC Semi-final Kilkenny 6-28 Offaly 0-15: You don't want the sordid details do you? You don't want the low-down and the nitty-gritty, the whole tawdry pretence that this was an ordinary championship game.
You don't want the score by score with a few pars at the end detailing who was best for the winners and who was best for the losers.
It wouldn't be fair to either side to treat yesterday's travesty of a match as an ordinary game and to offer up an ordinary match report on the foot of it. You couldn't analyse this afternoon of hurling with any sort of rigour or with any hope of learning something of value.
The scoreline should be sufficient. Offaly couldn't keep the ball pucked out for Kilkenny for long periods of time. We couldn't write the scores and scorers down without suffering repetitive stress injuries. Brian Whelahan didn't play and for once you were glad. Greatness shouldn't endure afternoons like this.
Afterwards no Kilkenny feet left the grass. There was no jumping for joy, just the suspicion written on their faces that Leinster championship games with Offaly shouldn't be this easy. Nothing in the folklore of Kilkenny hurling as told to this generation of players suggests Offaly could be pillaged for more than 10 goals worth of a win.
Since that indelible afternoon in 1980 up until the turn of the century Offaly have always enjoyed chipping away at Kilkenny's self-confidence. The last few years have brought thinner times but yesterday put Offaly hurling back on the seat of its pants.
The irony is that early on, had they not been leaking goals like an animal shedding fur, they looked as if they might make the game interesting. With the two Hanniffys moving well and Brian Carroll and Richie Mullaly flitting in and out of the game dangerously there was briefly a sense that we might get some enjoyment out of the afternoon.
Those goals kept flowing though. Rory Hanniffy gave Offaly the lead in the first minute. Martin Comerford soloed through a gaping Offaly defence a couple of minutes later and struck off his stick straight to the net. It was the sort of goal that under-12s would reproach themselves for conceding and a rebuke to all those Offaly sides who made the defensive arts of hooking, flicking and blocking their theme tune over the past few decades.
A few minutes later worse was to happen. You look at this Kilkenny forward line with so many quality hurlers in it and wonder how the best defences in the country will deal with it. They'll be tighter than Offaly were, anyway. Tommy Walsh, wonderful all afternoon, knocked a 40-yard ball right on to Henry Shefflin's stick. Shefflin was so unmarked the only threat to him claiming a goal was a bout of agoraphobia.
Two goals conceded in the opening five minutes. It didn't augur well. Offaly have some hurling in them, though. After 15 minutes they had outscored Kilkenny in the points margin and were just five points behind. Possibilities. Then Richie Power scooted through for Kilkenny's third goal and it was all over bar the counting.
No need to recount much of what went after that. Kilkenny did the decent thing and didn't patronise Offaly by pulling their punches. They kept a supply of eager young things drip-feeding into the game from the substitutes bench and as the Offaly marking got slacker they got more and more adventurous about the architecture of their scores.
About all that kept us interested towards the end was waiting to see if Eoin Larkin might score his first championship point for Kilkenny. He didn't but his club-mate Eoin McCormack came in late and helped himself to 1-1.
The Kilkenny players go back to their clubs for next weekend. Offaly face into the therapy of the qualifying phases. Everyone says there's nothing wrong with hurling in Leinster, everyone keeps whistling as they pass the graveyard.
KILKENNY: J McGarry; J Ryall, N Hickey, J Tyrell; R Mullally (0-1), P Barry (capt), JJ Delaney; B Barry (0-1, 65); D Lyng (0-2); M Comerford (1-3), E Larkin, T Walsh (0-5); R Power (1-1), DJ Carey (1-2), H Shefflin (2-11, 0-1 pen, 0-4 frees) Subs: C Phelan (0-1) for Lyng (55 mins), J Hoyne for DJ Carey (60 mins), M Kavanagh for Mullally, E McCormack (1-1) for Power (both 61 mins), J Tennyson for Hickey (67 mins).
OFFALY: B Mullins; B Teehan (capt), G Oakley, D Franks; D Hoctor, K Brady, C Cassidy; M Cordial, B Murphy; G Hannify (0-2), R Hanniffy (0-1), D Hayden (0-1), B Carroll (0-3, one free), J Brady, D Murray (0-7, frees). Subs: P Cleary for Teehan (19 mins), S Browne for Franks (half-time), A Hanrahan for Murray (58 mins), P Molloy for Cordial (60 mins), C Parlon (0-1) for Hayden (64 (mins).
Referee: M Haverty (Galway).
Attendance: 23,346.
