TV Week: Really all that was required to complete the day at Croke Park yesterday was for Skippy the Bush Kangaroo to break into RTÉ's commentary box, grab Marty Morrissey, shove him in his pouch, and disappear down Jones's Road whistling Advance Australia Fair. And d'you know, if it had happened you'd hardly have blinked, it was that kind of "you-couldn't-make-it-up" day.
"I don't think there'll be any all-in melees," Colm O'Rourke had promised us pre-match. Minutes later Marty looked down on a pitch strewn with bodies. "Disgraceful scenes," he said, "a disgraceful brawl, this is not what it's all about." And that was before the ball had been thrown in. From there it was a mixture of "Animals Do The Funniest Things" and "The World Wrestling Federation's Smackdown", with a little bit of compromised football thrown in.
After last week's first-Test flop some had predicted the crowd for the second Test would amount to one man and a dog. Well, they were half right. Two legs good, four legs tremendous. Did you see that hairy blighter go? No, not Ciarán McDonald - the Jack Russell/Yorkshire Terrier-type creature.
"He's been the best defender for Ireland so far," said Eddie Maguire, Marty's Australian commentary colleague, as Rover covered every blade of grass, threatening to chew the ankles off James Hird when he went to scoop up a loose ball.
A terrier-like footballer, in a literal sense.
"Aw, get the dog off the pitch, for God's sake," said Maguire, when he'd finally tired of Rover's success in thwarting Australia's sweeping counterattacks. When a steward finally risked thumb and forefinger to remove Rover, Eddie was content, noting Ireland were "one short now".
Marty was quiet for much of this spell, (a) because he couldn't get a word in with Eddie and (b) because he just didn't know where to start. When things calmed down he broke his silence. "Hopefully after that dramatic start things can cool down and we can concentrate on the game of football," he said.
"YOU'RE KIDDIN' MAAAAARTY," Eddie bellowed, "MAKE IT HOTTER, THE AUSSIES ARE HERE TO PLAAAAAAY."
There was, then, a clash of sporting cultures. "Forget Kylie Minogue," Eddie had told O'Rourke before kick-off, "AC DC are here today to play for Australia - we're goin' to have some heavy metal action, baby."
Colm looked at Michael Lyster, Michael looked at Colm, and both concluded: "T'was far from 'heavy metal action, baby' the GAA was reared."
Ireland won, keeping their Motorhead while all around them lost theirs, just like Colin "Jaws" Lloyd against Ronnie "Rocket" Baxter in the semi-final of the World Darts Grand Prix in Dublin's Citywest Hotel. "We're bubblin' in Dublin," as the peerless Sid Waddell put it on Sky Sports, "there are more twists and turns in this semi-final than on the road from here to Tralee via Belfast".
If Sid was trying to get to Tralee from Dublin via Belfast you'd have to worry about his knowledge of all things geographical, but when it comes to his ability to pump up the darts-watching public there's nothing he needs to be taught.
"I don't know if Rubens ever painted a portrait of a worried darts player but Ronnie's face is a picture," he said when the Rocket found himself under the cosh against Jaws. "Ronnie has the attitude of Attila the Hun, he has a Messianic view of his own talent," he said. "There's a bundle of talent in this lad's locker that few are born with when it comes to projected tungsten."
D'you know, Sid would almost convince you darts is a sport.
The BBC's coverage of October's rival darts fest, the World Masters in Bridlington, paled next to Sid and Sky. Disaster struck when the star attraction, Andy "The Viking" Fordham, was ruled out of action when he slipped and fell in Holland and fractured his wrist. Andy, incidentally, weighs over 30 stone, so when he fell in Holland the entire population of Belgium was trampolined into the stratosphere.
Ray Stubbs tried to break the bad news gently, but without Andy the World Masters had lost its gloss. He, after all, is the man with a big female following (they wear clingy T-shirts that read "Don't touch if you can't A Fordham 'em"), a following that was left distraught when he married Jenny, 18 years after they got engaged.
A let-down, then, as was the trip to Old Trafford for Arsenal. Their losing streak has been extended to one game which, down Highbury way, equals a crisis. Bryan Robson, though, had forecast a happy day for the home team when interviewed pre-match on Sky Sports. "United have nothing to lose," he said, "they know they've got to win." Which, naturally, they did.
