Philip Eaglesham wanted to die. Unable to bear the mental torment and the way his depression affected his wife and three children, he made an attempt on his life.
He could no longer deal with the chronic Q fever contracted on his second tour of Afghanistan – he also served in Iraq – as a Royal Marine commando. Wheelchair-bound, he pulled the curtains mentally and physically.
“Not being able to play with my children affected me more than I could ever explain. Even things like playing with Lego or building a jigsaw puzzle can be difficult. I get tired and frustrated very quickly,” Eaglesham says.
“I tried to take my own life. I’d just had enough of the deterioration and the impact it was having on my wife, the kids, others around me. It’s difficult to talk about it, but it’s good to talk about it.”
Two years on from his personal nadir, the 34-year-old from Dungannon, who now lives in Somerset, is competing for Team Ireland in the Rio Paralympics on a scorching afternoon at a military installation close to Deodoro Park.
Bleak position
Getting to
Brazil
gave him a purpose and a focus and allowed him to reprise a tiny element of his old life. It is uplifting to see how he has progressed from such a bleak starting position during that timeframe.
“Two years ago I was at the darkest point of my life where I didn’t want to be alive any more,” Eaglesham says.
“I got a bit of help from Somerset Partnership [an NHS Foundation], started to turn my life around, prove to my kids and hopefully inspire other people that no matter how bad things get you can always do something.”
He acknowledges that intervention and the input of the Help the Heroes British military charity. He is awaiting a discharge from the Royal Marines. His army background provided a general rather than specific assistance in the 10m air rifle Paralympics shooting.
“I probably wouldn’t have been the best with a big sniper rifle or anything like that but now I’m a 10m sniper. The fundamentals were there but it’s a completely different ball game,” Eaglesham says.
“When you’re at war out in Afghanistan and you’re shooting, you’re shooting for your life and the adrenaline is high and everything is pumping. Whereas in sport and target shooting everything is so specific and you have to be completely relaxed and calm, so it’s like the opposite end of the spectrum.
“Everything I have done in my life has been brought to this one point. So it’s made me who I am. The discipline that the military has given me has all worked into the shooting. With the whole [Ireland Paralympic shooting team] being military, we’re all speaking the same language.
Positive example
Eaglesham only qualified for the Games last October, undertaking a series of tournament shooting to make the grade, that he managed at a World Cup event in Thailand in March. He wants to win a medal but part of making the Rio Games is the positive example he can set his children.
“It’ll only help the kids as life goes on as well, when things get tough, they can turn around and see Dad, what happened to him and where he went to. We’re not stopping here but it is a great milestone to come to the greatest show on earth.”
Eaglesham wears a beard for a reason that transcends a mere grooming choice. “That all comes back to the dark times two years ago. I grew a beard so people wouldn’t recognise me and it became a way of hiding myself and I thought it was something we could do to highlight mental health and people’s struggles,” he says.
“If they’re hiding away with facial hair or putting a hat on, it’s not just for no reason. All my family are bringing false beards.”
His mother father, wife and three children were there in the crowd, wearing Eaglesham T-shirts. He didn’t qualify for the final, finishing 30th but given his journey, it will be a footnote in the long term.
“I let the fact that it is the Paralympics get to me a little more than I should. It’s an experience and we will learn, be back for Tokyo,” he says.
“I only started international competitions last October so to be at the Paralympics under a year later is amazing. To take experience from this and be back at the World Cups and Championships, that’s what will make the difference. I’m 10 years in front of where I should be anyway so not all is lost but I wouldn’t be happy with the overall result.”
Better days ahead, in every respect.
