Compiled by Mary Hannigan.
Plane daft
Private Eye's "Colemanballs" section never fails to raise a giggle round our way, with two of this month's offerings - (1) "You have to score goals these days to win international matches" (Jimmy Armfield) and, (2) "He favours his left-hand foot" (Chris Waddle) - hitting the spot once again. But our very favourite Colemanballs quote of the month, even if it had absolutely zilch to do with football, was: "The trouble with so many of them (budget airlines) is that they land 50 miles from the nearest airport". As Joan Armatrading once put it: "Drop the pilot".
Quotes of the week
"Five-four is a hockey score, not a football score . . . a result like that is disgraceful."
- Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho, unimpressed by Spurs and Arsenal's 5-4 thriller.
"I think it's going to take three or four years to see how important the work of Berti Vogts was in Scotland."
- Only one man could possibly have said this - and he did: Berti Vogts.
"The birds started flapping in their heads and they weren't making the same decisions."
- Spurs manager Martin Jol explains, in rather technical terms, why his team conceded four second-half goals to Arsenal.
"I've always been involved in performing arts - and ballet has helped me. I never admitted that as a kid but now I'm bigger and older I can admit something like that."
- Manchester United's very own Billy Elliot (Rio Ferdinand), owning up to the fact he was offered a place in a ballet school as a young fella.
Brains only in their boots
It was, needless to say, Brian Clough who once said: "being thick isn't an affliction if you're a footballer". Well, according to former Hertha Berlin coach Hans Meyer one fifth of footballers aren't afflicted by brains. "In every squad there are five completely stupid players," he said, "and at least one of those would end up begging on the streets if he didn't play professional football."
Did he stop there? Oh no. "From a 25-man squad, two would be able to complete a university degree, and five to six would finish college. Around 12 would make a good living doing skilled manual labour or working as a bank clerk, but certainly five are completely stupid. This is the same for every team."
Nice one Tyrrell
There are plenty of reasons to love DangerHere.com, one of them is that they introduced us to the world of Tom Tyrrel, Today FM's football commentator - e.g. "Everyone's looking to the right now. Don't know why. It's like when you stand on the street and look up a chimney and everyone looks with you for no reason." Or "there's an old saying in football that he who scored next when it's 3-1 can influence the outcome of the game". Genius. You can find gems of this quality in DangerHere.com's new book, The Gaffta Awards (Mainstream Publishing,
Hub-ris
We'd certainly never allege that David Beckham has more money than sense. Sure, wouldn't you buy a £95,000 customised Lamborghini if you were on his money? Exactly.
But would you also choose to spend £15,000 on personalised hubcaps (i.e. they sport the number of his Real Madrid shirt, '23')? Nope. Us neither.
Quotes of the week
"I got into this situation because of some complicated matters with my soul."
- Adrian Mutu explains his positive test for cocaine.
"I am sure Mourinho didn't notice that I had a busy private life because he simply didn't care about me."
- Mutu blames his ex-Chelsea boss.
"The FA will be delighted with that. Oh dearie me."
Alex Ferguson, upon hearing the draw for the next round of the League Cup (Manchester United v Arsenal).
"It's funny how you can go from being the fans' saviour to someone who some think should be in the reserves."
- Blackburn Rovers forward Jon Stead, bewildered that some of his erstwhile admirers are beginning to doubt him. (His goals tally in his last 16 games? Zero).
"Chelsea are a great team. And Arsenal are a great team. I am happy playing for Real Madrid at the moment. But you never know."
- David Beckham, sending a subtle "yoo hoo" to Jose and Arsene.
Dustin for FAI chief
It was nip and tuck all week, with Dana leading the way in the early stages, but by Saturday evening Dustin the Turkey had 49 per cent of the vote, 26 per cent clear of his nearest rival, Eamon Dunphy - who, in turn, was trailed by Dana, Brian McFadden, John Kerry and Royston Brady, in that order. Just when Royston thought electoral things couldn't get any worse. What, you ask, are they competing for? The post of FAI chief executive. No need to advertise the vacancy, www.a2zsoccer.com is running a poll to find the popular winner, and Dustin seems to be home and dry. Go on ya good thing.
May goes down a storm
Whatever happened to: David May? Remember? The blondie defender who managed to get in to every single photograph of Manchester United celebrating their 1999 Champions League success, despite playing no part in the game?
Well, last week we read he had been snapped up by Bacup Borough of the North West Counties League so, eager to learn more, we visited their website.
"Bacup's No 1 site and the only site dedicated to the Boro", it boasted, before informing us that the team had won promotion in 2002. And that was the last update.
Football 365 had more success, finding this quote from Borough boss Brent Peters in the, eh, Rossendale Free Express: "It is the biggest signing of my football career because they do not come any bigger than David May". Indeed.
