It was only a matter of time: ladies and gentlemen, we introduce the Wayne Rooney doll. It's part of the Kick-O-Mania range of footballer dolls that have a full "kicking function which enables the doll's owner to recreate Rooney's wonder goals".FootballMary Hannigan's

Dolled up for action

Also in the range is Ruud van Nistelrooy (so you can recreate him scooping the ball over the bar from three feet against Blackburn Rovers) and Ryan Giggs (who has a special sitting function so you can place him on a bench). Hours of fun, then. We don't mean to be alarmist - and we wish Wayne a long, successful career - but we'd be worried about those knee joints, they look a little dodgy to us.

Quotes of the week

"The goal wasn't a relief at all. I am confident about scoring goals in whatever team I play in - I've done it all my life, so I am not relieved to get off the mark at all. But I am relieved to get the first three points of the season, so it is a big relief to get off the mark in that sense."

- Michael Owen, reflecting on Newcastle's first win of the season (against Blackburn), which he greeted with a mixture of non-relief and relief.

"We all feel we're in a false position (second from bottom). It is a blip rather than a crisis and we'll be pushing for Europe. We need to kick-start our season sooner rather than later. But one win and two or three goals will do that."

- Everton's Phil Neville, before losing to Wigan.

"If we can't beat Blackburn and Fulham we have no hope of winning the league."

- Manchester United's Paul Scholes, just before losing at home to Blackburn.

"My daughter Agatha is speaking with a Scouse accent. I can't understand her. She uses a lot of Spanglish. She's a little Scouse. She's three next month and when she says 'no' it's with a Scouse accent."

- Rafa Benitez, who now needs Steven Gerrard to act as a translator when he's trying to communicate with his three-year-old.

"Saadi is a good friend, I call him Saadi and he calls me mister. I do not know why he's here. They say that I have influenced it, but he was here before me."

- Udinese coach Serse Cosmi slightly intimating that Saadi Gaddafi isn't at the club for footballing reasons. Can't think what he means, we're sure Saadi's da can't either.

Fuelled for deception

We're always fond of yarns that demonstrate the passion folk have for their teams and the lengths they'll go to to watch them play, but this tale about supporters of the Gambian under-17 team beats all.

"A chartered jet carrying 289 Gambian soccer fans pretended it needed to make an emergency landing so they could watch their team compete in the FIFA Under-17 World Championships in Peru," read the report."The plane, claiming to be low on fuel, landed near the stadium in Peru's northern coast city of Piura. "It truly was a scam," said Betty Maldonado, a spokeswoman for Peru's aviation authority, CORPAC, "they tricked the control tower, saying they were low on fuel". Emergency crews had to be scrambled ahead of the landing by the plane, which is owned by the tremendously named Air Rum Ltd.

The plane should have flown to the capital, Lima, but instead flew directly to Piura "entering Peruvian air space without permission". While the Peruvian authorities were vowing to punish the airline the passengers were allowed attend the game, which Gambia won 3-1.

More quotes of the week

"Chelsea's difficulties will come later and, when that happens, it takes you a while to come back. They have had a lucky start - but suddenly you lose a game you do not deserve to lose and you wonder how it happened."

- Arsene Wenger before Saturday's games, thinking in a wishful sort of way.

"If everyone is right about the championship, then let's stop, give them the trophy and then start again. If you think it is over, that is all we can do because it will be really boring until the end of May."

- Arsene Wenger after Saturday's games, thinking in a rational sort of way.

Matt Cooper: "Is there any chance that Charlton could beat Chelsea?" Tony Cascarino: "In a word, I don't think so."

- As heard by a Football 365 reader.

"It is easier to play Chelsea or Manchester City in the Premiership than Cheltenham at home."

- Mick McCarthy. Eh?

"Kelvin lost his voice and couldn't call for the ball in the last 20 minutes. At first I dismissed it because it sounds like bullshit, but it's a stonewall genuine problem."

- As if Mick didn't have enough problems - now his goalkeeper Kelvin Davis can't shout 'mine!'.

Words from Woodgate

Were we alone in feeling a bit sorry for Jonathan Woodgate last week when, apart from scoring an own goal and getting sent off, he had a fine debut for Real Madrid? We've taken a shine to the fella since hearing he's bucked the trend of British footballers abroad and made an effort to learn the local lingo - word has it he learned more Spanish in his first couple of months in Madrid than David Beckham did in almost two years. (Behave). And this was the fella they dismissed as stupid, largely for coming out with stuff like: "Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesbrough."

So, now that we know he speaks Spanish we've a hunch these comments, which he made after his debut, were translated from English to Spanish by Woodgate and then back in to English again by a news agency: "I was very happy for making my debut, because I found myself happy on the field, but I have felt very bad when I scored my own goal. I am very happy to have returned to play and I feel very happy because to get here I have had to work and to experience some very hard times. I am very happy."

Mind you, upon reading the headline in the Daily Mirror the day after the game his mood may have darkened: "Woody Is A Real Plank".