What? (part I)"He's not getting any older."- Peter Schmeichel, trying to explain why Nicky Butt should leave Manchester United
"The fact that Burnley got beat here already will stick in their claw."
- Mark Lawrenson, trying to locate Burnley's craw
Those we loved (I)
"Stuffem, tankem, 'ammerem."
- Slogan on the shirts of Birmingham under-nine team Sedgley Scorpions. The man who printed the shirts thought the slogan was a Latin phrase. The local football association banned it.
"It is a great pleasure to be here in Newcastle, as ever a privilege to be among you."
- Ex-Tory leader Iain Duncan Smith on a trip to a factory in the north-east of England. He thought he was in Newcastle so he went on to pay a lusty tribute to Bobby Robson and his team. He was, in fact, in . . . Sunderland.
"It would be hard to find another girl with a name like that."
- Rangers' Fernando Ricksen explaining why he was back with his girlfriend Graciela - because he has her name tattooed on his arm.
To be blunt
"Our Champions League hopes could be handicapped by us not knowing how to defend."
- Robert Pires (Arsenal).
"Our major problem is that we don't know how to play football."
- Sam Allardyce (Bolton).
"The finishing is something we need to sort out."
- Sammy McIlroy (after Northern Ireland had failed to score in 1,242 minutes).
"Why did I take the job? Skint."
- Harry Redknapp (Portsmouth).
Losing count
"I'm expecting a much better string of results from Irish sides in Europe this season - and that's down to one thing: fitness and organisation."
- Noel King
"With eight or 10 minutes to go, they were able to bring Nicky Butt back and give him 15 to 20 minutes."
- Niall Quinn.
What? (II)
"You felt this was the sort of game that needed a goal to break the deadlock."
- BBC Radio Five's Ron Jones.
"So Tim, without naming names, who was the best centre half you ever played behind?"
- Sky Sports' Rob McCaffrey, trying to confuse Tim Flowers, and succeeding.
"McCall is trying to thread a needle through a haystack there."
- Mark Bright.
"One-nil is not a winning score, by any means."
- BBC Radio Derby commentator Ian Hall.
Those we loved (II)
"It's all square at the Oval."
- BBC Northern Ireland reporter.
"Both Old Firm line-ups had more foreign bodies than Willie Johnston's 1978 urine sample in Argentina."
- Scottish journalist Tam Cowan.
The pundits
"You can see the ball go past them, or the man, but you'll never see both man and ball go past at the same time. So if the ball goes past, the man won't, or if the man goes past they'll take the ball."
- Ron Atkinson.
"They've forced them into a lot of unforced errors."
- Steve Claridge.
"I expect Chelsea to make a world-record signing in the near distant future."
- Tony Cascarino.
What are they on?
"I felt there was a lack of definable objectivity about both teams."
- Damien Richardson.
"With several players likely to be hors de combat for an indeterminate period, augmentation of the squad is a prerequisite for the perpetuation of our season."
- Harry Smith (manager of non-League Crowborough)
"Trying to push custard up a hill."
- Howard Wilkinson's analogy for Sunderland's relegation battle
"The interdepartmental choreography is not yet right."
- Damien Richardson (explaining Bohemians' slow start to the season).
"I try to find different ways of expressing myself. Without that I will die. I am searching for abstract ways of expressing reality, abstract forms that will enlighten my own mystery."
- Eric Cantona, sniffing paint stripper again.
Come again?
"He has broken his left leg, which is a real kick in the teeth for him."
- BBC Radio Five's Luke Harvey.
"He's had two cruciates and a broken ankle. It's not easy that. Every player attached to the club is praying the boy gets a break."
- Alex Ferguson on Wes Brown's return from injury.
"We didn't come here for a draw, or any other result."
- Chelsea's John Terry.
"Life wouldn't be worth living if you could buy confidence, because the rich people would have it all and everybody else would . . . would, well, have to make their own arrangements."
- Kevin Keegan.
Those we loved (III)
"It would be exciting to attach some electrodes to Ronaldo's head and see what he's thinking during the match because he has plenty of time, standing there doing nothing on his own, watching guys run all around him, sweating, breathing heavily. Maybe he's invaded by profound thoughts of rainbows and flying ponies, tigers, Donald Duck and cheeseburgers." - Spanish football writer Juanma Trueba.
Threats of the year
Third: Maurizio Zamparini (president of Italian Serie B side Palermo) - "If they don't win today I will have their balls in my salad." Palermo drew 2-2.
Second: Emile Heskey - "I will never change the way I play." Just when Gerard Houllier thought things couldn't get any worse.
First: David O'Leary - "I want to do at Villa what I did at Leeds."
Heard you first time
"It was a bit of a surprise and yet I shouldn't have been surprised, because I was a bit surprised he was going to go in the first place."
- A surprised Terry Venables, speaking about Robbie Fowler's surprising on/off move to surprising Manchester City.
"If there's a corner we're turning, it's a big one and we have to keep going. Two wins on the trot doesn't mean we've turned that corner yet. If we can keep it going, then we can start to say we've turned the corner."
- Aston Villa's Dion Dublin.
Man of the year
Claudio Ranieri:
- "John Terry's an extra-terrestrial - I think he's from Mars. He's like ET, he needs to phone home."
- "We performed very well, but in the first action for them they scored. In our best moment they scored two goals. That could kill a bull, as we say in Italy."
- "When it comes to using a meat knife I can do everything, so my players will have to watch out or I will come into the dressing-room and I will kill them. I am joking, of course."
