It was not, on the whole, a pleasant weekend for the bulk of Brian Kerr's squad. Richard Dunne nigh on needed to be unknotted after a torridly uncomfortable 45 minutes attempting to keep track of Thierry Henry in Manchester City's game against Arsenal. He was put out of his misery at half-time, by which time Arsenal led 4-0, when Kevin Keegan replaced him.

Away from home

Elsewhere? A medial ligament injury has ruled Rory Delap out for six weeks, just when things were going nicely at Southampton, Damien Duff missed another game for Blackburn with his hamstring injury, while Robbie Keane's dodgy knee looks like keeping him out for a week or three. Gary Breen had the mother of all rows with West Ham manager Glenn Roeder while Sunderland's 3-1 home defeat by Middlesbrough means Kevin Kilbane and Jason McAteer (and Phil Babb) are moving ever closer to first division football.

Lee Carsley has lost his first-team place at Everton while Ian Harte and Stephen McPhail still can't get in Leeds' starting line-up - Gary Kelly can, but probably wishes he watched Saturday's 3-0 defeat at Elland Road by Newcastle from the safety of the bench.

After dropping five points from six last week Matt Holland's hopes of returning to the Premiership with Ipswich are fading ever faster, while Mark Kinsella can't have enjoyed his return to Charlton where Aston Villa lost 3-0. When they next meet up Kerr may need to administer anti-depressant pills to his men.

Keane sense of humour

Immense thanks to Damien, Stephen and Cathal who sent us this exceptional reworking of "an oldie, but a goldie" that was doing the email rounds last week: Roy Keane, Michael Owen and Thierry Henry are standing before God at the throne of Heaven. God looks and them and says: "Before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in."

Henry looks God in the eye and states passionately: "I believe football to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people, from the slums of Rio to the bright lights of Barcelona. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people who stood on the terraces supporting their club."

Impressed, God offers Henry the seat to his left.

He then turns to Owen and says: "What do you believe in?"

"I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits," says Owen.

God, moved by the passion of the speech, offers Owen the seat to his right.

Finally, he turns to Keane. "And you, Mr Keane, what do you believe?"

"I believe", says Keane, "that you're sitting in my seat."

Quotes of the week

"They can't change any of their players but they have changed one of their players and that's the coach."

- Bobby Robson explains, as only Bobby Robson can, why Bayer Leverkusen are having problems at the moment.

"I've been asked that question for the last six months. It is not fair to expect me to make such a fast decision on something that has been put upon me like that."

- Terry Venables. Come again?

"Arsenal are playing on a different planet to us at the moment, but they come down to our planet on Saturday."

- Kevin Keegan promising Arsenal an unearthly experience at Planet Maine Road. Unearthly it was, too - Arsenal won 5-1 and little green men from Jupiter would have defended better than City.

"At Wimbledon I had the hump after one game. I aimed a kick at a sweet wrapper, my slip-on shoe flew off and ended up down the toilet."

- Dave Bassett, recalling an ineffective attempt at creating an explosive moment in the Wimbledon dressing room.

"I don't see myself as a celebrity - just as a footballer who can dance."

- Rio Ferdinand. Shut up and defend.

"The menu seems to be steak and chips, fish and chips or egg and chips. It's always chips."

- An unnamed West Ham player complains to the Daily Mirror about the grub on offer at the club's training ground. Sounds tasty enough to us.

Torys out of touch

"It is a great pleasure to be here in Newcastle, as ever a privilege to be among you," Tory leader Iain Duncan Smith told his audience at a Rite-Vent flue factory last week.

"Let me almost immediately take the opportunity, as I am here in Newcastle, to say congratulations to Bobby Robson, a man I do genuinely personally admire, but also to the team. I am sure you all want to say congratulations for their excellent result I understand they had on Tuesday. I wish them well as they progress in the Champions League."

Very nice. Except? Duncan Smith might have thought the factory was in Newcastle but it was, in fact, in Sunderland. The tribute, then, went down like a balloon composed largely of lead.

Referee on rampage

We've always been partial to "the referee strikes back" stories around this way but we were particularly impressed by one featured by Ananova last week.

This man in black abandoned a five-a-side game between Romark FC and Czech Club in north London after getting dog's abuse from the Romark players, who weren't best pleased when he disallowed a goal.

It was when a Romark player called him a "fairy", though, that "the chubby skinhead in his 40s" finally had had enough.

After running from the pitch he returned a few minutes later, stripped to the waist, waving an axe above his head, screaming: "Who ****ing wants it?."

"He was like Conan the Barbarian," said one spectator, who watched as the players speedily vacated the immediate area.

Having made his point the ref got in his car and left the scene. He was promptly banned by London Elms Five-a-side League. Why? God knows.

Lambie's pigeon ploy

David Beckham, it would appear, got off lightly. John Lambie, the Partick Thistle manager, confessed last week to having once lost his temper with a player so badly that he "slapped him 'round the face with a dead pigeon". Like you do.

"His name was Declan Roche and he was talking back to me - so I got these dead pigeons out of a box and slapped him with one."

And how, might we ask, did he happen to have a dead pigeon handy? They had died of a disease and I was going to bury them, so I put them in a box and took them to the ground.

"It was a bit of fun really. Roche was certainly surprised, but it couldn't have improved him much because I got rid of him soon afterwards."

Wilkinson's ramblings

It will be a sadday for Planet Football's "Quotes of the Week" section when/if Sunderland decide that Howard Wilkinson (below) isn't, after all, the man to lead them to safety in the Premiership.

Before losing (again) on Saturday, to Middlesbrough, Wilkinson assured the club's depressed supporters that, thanks to the powers of positive thinking, "Sunderland are already clear of relegation in my mind" - although the task of leading them to safety was akin to "baking a cake without an egg" and that relegation form the Premiership would result in the club having to "sell one of the washers, or a tractor". The "Wilkinson Must Stay" campaign starts right here.