Compiled by Mary Hannigan
Scolari impressed by Delap's delivery
EVERTON MANAGER David Moyes has described him as "The human sling", which we assume Rory Delap doesn't object to, although the former Republic of Ireland international might have been less chuffed about Chelsea supremo Luiz Felipe Scolari's tribute to his throwing ability last week.
"Maybe it's not beautiful football - but it's effective," he said. "I haven't seen it in my life in top football. It's dangerous, it's direct, it's fantastic. I think he delivers the ball better with his hands than his foot." Lovely.
Delap, not surprisingly a javelin thrower in his youth, was at the centre of media attention in the build-up to Stoke City's game against Chelsea, with everyone wondering just how the London galacticos would cope with his missiles. So, how did they do? Fine. Delap was ruled out of the game with a hamstring injury. Hate that.
Mourinho has Ranieri in his sights
SO, HOW'S the feud between the two former Chelsea managers going? Very well, actually. Last week Jose Mourinho had another row with the Italian media over his failure to turn up at a press conference, the Special One insisting it had nothing to do with language difficulties.
"I studied Italian for five hours a day for several months to be able to communicate with you journalists . . . and you think I lacked respect for you," he asked. "And then you speak about Ranieri who after five years in England had trouble saying good morning and good afternoon?"
Over to you Claudio.
Dealing with weighty issues
ALL'S NOT well at Vasco da Gama, the Brazilian club threatening to become the Newcastle United of South America. They're on to their fifth coach of the season - and he thinks he knows the problem. "They're eating for relegation," said Renato Portaluppi, noting six of his players are overweight.
He will fine them the equivalent of €100 for every excess kilo. "Footballers are simple fools. They only learn by being dropped or fined. They all eat s**t - so now they lose the weight or they lose their money. End of story."
Prediction - Next week: "Renato Appointed Newcastle Manager."
Pavlyuchenko feels the strain
SPURS FANS, it seems, have yet to fall in love with their goal-shy big-money recruit, Roman Pavlyuchenko. But, by the sounds of it, he's not mad enamoured with life at the club either.
"I looked at my watch and saw that the training session had gone on for exactly two hours! Then, there is another half an hour in the gym. Two and a half hours. Can you imagine that," he gasped last week, gobsmacked that he had to work for 150 minutes a day.
"The weights started to get to me, and I stopped and said to the trainer, 'I can't do this'. That's how they work - I'm shocked. I thought it would be a lot easier."
Fortunately he only had to work for 74 minutes yesterday, being substituted after an abject performance against Portsmouth.
Blue tea towel prices soar
ACCORDING TO reports last week Ebay announced that sales of blue tea towels had increased by 1,650 per cent on their site in the last month.
We half guessed this statistic puzzled the life out of them, until they were reminded that Manchester City were taken over by the Abu Dhabi United Group and City fans have taken to dressing as sheikhs.
Like oil, then, blue tea towel prices have soared.
Quotes of the week
"I like to get in the shorts of wingers and give them a little nip"
- Cheltenham's Jeremy Gill, as quoted on the BBC's website. Strewth.
"Am I pleased? No . . . I don't know the man. I've met him and said hello but that's about it."
- Shay Given gives a big Newcastle welcome to Joe Kinnear.
"I got two matches for calling one of the referees Coco the Clown. I asked the referee what he did in his spare time, and that was it."
- Meanwhile Kinnear explains why he has to sit in the stands for his first two games in charge at Newcastle. Coco the Clown, you have to imagine, would have had more sense than to take the job.
"Newcastle are in a bigger mess than the American economy at the moment — I've heard 17 managers have turned the job down.
- Former Newcastle striker Mick Quinn reckons the club needs a bit of a bail-out.
"He is a total fool, he's ridiculous, he has a large head and small brain . . . I did not learn anything from him and if the day ever came when he arrived at Barcelona I would stop being a member."
- Hristo Stoichkov, letting bygones be bygones, on his former Barcelona boss Louis Van Gaal.
"For my part I'll never say never, but to be honest I don't miss it."
- Stephen Ireland, still a touch unenthusiastic about becoming a Boy in Green again.
"I think it will be hard for them to challenge the top three. They could be third, which will be an improvement for them."
- Wayne Rooney sends his love to Liverpool.
"I'm not ashamed to show my political beliefs. I agree with some areas of fascism like patriotism and the values of the Catholic religion. I like the way fascism managed to secure law and order - it guaranteed security to the people. However, I disagree with the racial laws and the allegiance to Hitler."
- AC Milan goalkeeper Christian Abbiati. Thanks for that.
