By the age of 11, Gary Cooke knew that his inherent genius for the sliding tackle and for beating his man with the wall pass formed the essential reason behind his existence. The number 11 jersey at Old Trafford, sideburns, front-page transfer fees; these were to be the youngster's future.
His certain and untroubled path towards stardom was abruptly and wantonly cut off, however, when his folks casually informed him he would be attending the nearby rugby school. Protests that rugby might impinge on his intentions to become English soccer's most celebrated marksman by the age of 14 were, astonishingly, ignored.
In later years, he came to realise that the compulsory move had left him "gutted". The brutal intimacy of the scrum just never held the same appeal. Soccer became a casual thing and one day last year he found himself on an isolated patch of Howth strand, punting a ball to his pet Labradors. The dogs, Chester and Kelly, were willing but displayed an unapologetic contempt for the finer aesthetics of the game. Cooke found himself competing with the breeze as he voiced his frustration.
"Hold it there. Look at the space between them. That's unbelievable, Bill." And so was unveiled the tentative beginnings of a John Giles impersonation which has gained something of a cult following with viewers of Network Two's Apres Match.
"I used to think that you could either impersonate someone or not and there is a certain truth in that, but you do find that if you can take someone off fairly well at the start you can become a hell of a lot better with practice."
He heard Eamon Dunphy's voice so frequently - both the original and impersonations - that it became second nature to him, but the voice of John Giles was one which he had to work on. For the purpose of Apres Match, he has significantly broadened his repertoire and has at various times assumed the personas of Alex Ferguson, Big Ron, Brian Moore, Ray Wilkins and Sky's Andy Gray. The unreservedly positive nature of the public reaction surprised him a little.
"Well, I felt the three of us were very good at what we did, but I thought that maybe it might be a little difficult to sustain over a four-week period. But that hasn't been the case, it's just been a wonderful experience."
Cooke's path towards the fantastically popular and deviously absurd environs of the Apres Match sketch room has been anything but route one.
So stunned and confused was he by the wrecking of his budding soccer career that he headed off to study Philosophy at Trinity. "I found that I always enjoyed sort of joking and messing around, probably more than I should have done and I also got involved with the Trinity Players. Even then I knew I wanted to become an actor."
After graduating in 1988, he won his first professional role in Borstal Boy a year later and spent the next eight years working the Dublin theatre circuit without regret. Last year, he decided to give stand-up comedy a shot.
"I suppose my style could be defined as the comedy of self-righteous paranoia. It looks at the quirks of human fallibility from a personal perspective."
He quickly established himself on the Dublin circuit - the International Bar, the Comedy Cellar, The Norseman, the Laughter Lounge - and found the work both terrifying and rewarding.
"Standing on a stage in a small room in front of 60 or 70 people is one of the toughest things you could do. I've never had them baying for my blood, thankfully, but experiences vary. Some nights go really well, others you just keep it together."
He tended to keep impersonation sketches at a minimum and so was a little surprised when Ristard Cooper (Jimmy Hill, Kenny Dalglish and Dave O'Leary on Apres Match) gave him a call about doing World Cup work.
"Ristard and Barry Murphy had done similar stuff for Euro' 96 and RTE went for them again. Ristard had heard my impersonations on a CD he got from the Voice Bank agency and asked me to come in. So in April, we kind of went through a dry run in RTE and things seemed to go pretty well."
He and Cooper wrote the material for the inserts in May and once the World Cup began, they studied the coverage maniacally, imbibing the mannerisms and vocal nuances of their subjects.
RTE have given the trio seemingly total licence to ferry viewers away on marvellous and wholly ridiculous tangents which feature the likes of Dave O'Leary and Jimmy Hill lashing back wine and singing old pop hits in unison. So far, the panellists do not seem too perturbed by their portrayal.
"Well, I've met most of them, but we haven't really discussed the Apres Match stuff. John Giles is a very cool and measured man, he doesn't strike me as the kind who is easily phased and I've met Jim Beglin who comes across as just a very friendly fella."
Right now, he isn't certain if Apres Match are doing a post World Cup Final sketch. It's possible their final `analysis' may well be after the third place play-off. Given the unprecedented popularity of the act, surely the notion of a stage run or some sort of follow up isn't all that far-fetched.
"To be honest, I just don't know, we really haven't thought about it. We've just been concentrating on Apres Match."
