ALL IN THE GAME:A soccer miscellany

THE English press responded nice and calmly to last week's defeat by France at Wembley. The old ones, eh? "Brainless" and "gutless" said the Times, "ragged, directionless, clueless" suggested the Sun, "we have no future as well as no past". "We have seen the future – and it fills us with dread," declared the Daily Mirror. An upbeat response, then.

The Daily Telegraph, meanwhile, hinted its relationship with Fabio Capello was on the rocks, describing him as "simply embarrassing" – "England and Capello are locked in a loveless marriage, winding down to the inevitable decree nisiin 2012", said they.

First we had the "Wally with a Brolly", as an umbrella-wielding Steve McClaren was dubbed after his last match in charge, now? "Prat In A Hat", several papers opted to call Capello after he donned a baseball cap during the game. This isn't going well.

The French press, needless to say, was much more sympathetic to Capello and his boys, L'Equipe'ssides evidently splitting as it declared that England "were like a team from the bottom of the Premier League – they didn't have enough foreigners!"

The paper, which said Wembley's atmosphere "gave the impression of being at Miss Marple's house at tea-time", was somewhat unimpressed by two English players in particular. "Theo Walcott? Apparently he is one of the great hopes of English football. Did you notice him? Us neither." And Gareth Barry? "Totally irrelevant. What is he for?" Back at the Times, though, they were defending Barry. Well, sort of.

"There is no point in berating Gareth Barry for being as slow as a tugboat. It is not as if he can help it. But, by the time he was hauled off at half-time, the Manchester City midfield player was like a kid's robot whose batteries are going flat. Slower and slower he moved before he, and perhaps soon his England career, ground to a halt."

40The number of non-English players who started in the Arsenal v Spurs and Manchester United v Wigan games on Saturday. Fabio Capello may as well stay in bed at the weekend.

DIEGO v JOSE?

WHO d'you think won that monster-ego battle when the pair bumped in to each other at a Real Madrid training session last week?

Well, judging by the autographed shirt he presented to Maradona, it looks like Mourinho believes he's only the second most special one.

"I'm embarrassed to sign a shirt for Don Diego! You're number one. I adore you." Ah.

Guinea pigs: It's what's below the equator that counts

IT was good to see Nigeria being so gracious in defeat after losing 4-2 to Equatorial Guinea in the African Women's Championship final.

"Just as they did in 2008, they played with at least two men," said coach Eucharia Uche after the game. Oh.

Mind you, Nigeria weren't alone in making the allegation, South Africa and Ghana also calling on the Confederation of African Football to investigate the, well, gender of some of the Equatorial Guinea players.

"You only need to have physical contact with them on the pitch to know they are men," said Ghana defender Diana Amkomah.

But one of those queried, Genoveva Anonma, hit back – not literally – insisting she'd already passed the test. "These accusations come because I am fast and strong, but I know that I am definitely a woman," she said.

Equatorial Guinea have now qualified for next year's World Cup in Germany. Presumably if they're knocked out at the first hurdle they'll be accused of playing like a bunch of girls?

Zlating Cruyff, Guardiola and Barcelona: Merits of Ibrahimovic gets a bit heated

"Cruyff can go to hell! He is a nobody! I think he should be in a mental asylum with Guardiola so they can sit there quietly and play cards together. They would be doing Barcelona a great favour."

– Agent Mino Raiola's measured response to Johan's suggestion that Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Raiola's client, is more suited to the slower demands of Italian football than to the Spanish game.

"He seems like a philosopher with the way he dresses and speaks. He reminded me a little of Gandhi. People say he won six trophies, but with the team at his disposal I could've been the coach."

– Zlatan, meanwhile, has been sending yet more love to his former Barcelona manager, Pep Guardiola.

"Nowadays you have a game Saturday, Tuesday, Saturday, Tuesday. There's no room in that time-frame to go out on the lash and get smashed, the way you used to."

– Rio Ferdinand pines for the good old days.

"Those who called me a little twerp after Euro 2008 realised this summer that some of those with whom I'd had a few problems then were the ones who screwed up in South Africa. Perhaps it wasn't us kids who were the twerps after all."

– Samir Nasri says a big hello to William Gallas before Saturday's north London derby. By full-time you'd imagine he regretted opening his mouth.

"Van Basten thought about hitting a shot once and it went in – then 'Reg', what are you doing? Oh, get in! Brilliant."

– Blackpool manager Ian Holloway on Luke 'Reg' Varney's tasty goal against Wolves on Saturday.

"Retirement is for young people. I'm too old to retire. I would have nothing to do."

– Alex Ferguson commits to his beloved Manchester United until 2050.

Over the top: foxsport.com getting carried away by Bale

"DEAR Planet Soccer, I'm a big admirer of Gareth Bale, but do you think foxsports.com has lost the plot?

"Brendan."

Let's see.

"Currently the best player in the world (and trust me I watch a lot of football) is a 21-year-old with a bad haircut and very big ears who plies his trade in North London. No Cesc Fabregas, you don't have big ears, but Gareth Bale does and "right now" there is only one player who can touch him. That man in Barcelona."

"Personally, I think he looks like a combination of Messi, Cristiano Ronaldo and Roberto Carlos in his prime. He has an electrifying change of pace, blindingly fast, quick feet, strength, power, tremendous aerial ability, unselfishness, a left foot to rival the Argentine and an engine that just won't quit."

Brendan?

Much as we marvel at the young Welsh fella: yes.

Turnbull: loo roll of honour

FALLING neatly in to the "ah, bless" category is this tale about Stockport County captain Paul Turnbull who, last week, was invited to the opening of . . . a six star hotel in the Gulf? Well, no, he was given the honour of unveiling a toilet.

The bog standard invitation, though, was gratefully received by Turnbull, not least because his shirt and name now appear on the walls of St Thomas's Primary School's new bathroom, alongside the likes of Lionel Messi and Kaka.

"I bet they're all used to opening a little more glamorous places but I really was honoured to be asked and enjoyed it," he said.

"What else can you ask for than to have your shirt on the wall next to those great names?"

That it's not hanging on the walls of the jacks?

FERGIE FORGETS HIMSELF

SOMETIMES it's good to remember where you are. Last week Alex Ferguson was in Qatar as part of his selfless support for the country's bid to host the 2022 World Cup finals. While addressing a sports congress in Doha he . . . well, we'll leave it to the Guardian: "As the call to prayer drifted through the desert air from nearby minarets, the Scot temporarily forgot he was in the Gulf. "You all play for your pub teams on a Sunday," he told a puzzled audience, many of whom celebrate their weekend on a Friday and, as Muslims, do not drink." Ooops.

Red-faced: Airdrie United unlikely to forget mishap

YOU might have read about Airdrie United's unfortunate mishap with their match programme, when they attempted to give "Poppy Scotland – Supporting Our Heroes" a plug by putting a photo of second World War soldiers on the cover, accompanied by the slogan "Lest we forget".

Alas, as it turned out, the photo was actually of Nazi soldiers on board a train.

"I would like to unreservedly apologise for the error on our Remembrance programme," said a marginally mortified Airdrie chairman Jim Ballantyne.

"A number of photos were considered and when the final choice was made, the wrong image was lifted – unfortunately it showed German soldiers instead of allied troops with the nurses," added Ballantyne.

Hats off to thespoiler.co.uk for the finest headline of the week on the story: "LET'S WE FORGET."