"All I knew was they were drunk and aggressive. Their costumes - skin-tight sparkly bodysuits and wigs - made it even more frightening. It was like a waking nightmare."

- Belinda Knowles on her brush with fancy dress-clad West Ham footballers in London's East End last week, when they besieged her car during a "drunken rampage". One of those dressed in a skin-tight sparkly bodysuit was Neil Ruddock. God, it's enough to make you lose your lunch.

"I enjoy women's company, I love flirting with them - why not? - but not dangerously these days so you get the benefit of the flirting without the consequences, which tend to be very embarrassing."

- David Ginola? Leonardo Di Caprio? George Clooney? Nope - Jimmy Hill. Yikes.

"It always seems to be pitch dark by 3.30 in Blackburn. There is no language school, nor is there a fitness centre. And if you want to go shopping, there is nothing to buy. When I see the way people live up here, I realise how lucky I am."

- Blackburn's 24-year-old Swiss international Stephane Henchoz on life in the grim north. Can we take it that he's looking for a move?

"As a player I thought the manager was like a cook. He's got the ingredients and if they are good, you can cook a good cake. If they are bad, you get a bad cake. We've got a few meals to go to get the right recipe, but by the end of the season I hope we've got a nice cake with icing."

- Did someone give Gianluca Vialli Delia Smith's book for Christmas?

"What words do I use? Pathetic? Abysmal? Gutless? Disgraceful?"

- Alan Ball tries to find words for Portsmouth's performance in their 3-0 defeat at Ipswich on Saturday, and succeeds.