"It's a great pity because he is very well respected and has a nice, cosy image. I hope this was a one-off because otherwise people are going to lose respect for him."

- Mary Whitehouse, founder of the National Viewers and Listeners Association, gives Des Lynam a slap on the wrist for a saucy comment he made at the end of ITV's Champions' League programme (reminding viewers that Gabby Yorath would be introducing highlights from that evening's European ties, he said "The motto tonight, I suppose, is stay up for Gabby.").

"Frank Leboeuf went down like an MFI wardrobe . . . well, err, allegedly like an MFI wardrobe."

- Sky Sports pundit Rodney Marsh, gulping nervously, suddenly remembers the libel laws during the channel's Saturday afternoon soccer show.

"I've still got my old school report. It says I was dyslexic, backward, mentally deficient and illiterate. I have all the qualifications you need to be a football club chairman."

- Doncaster chairman George Reynolds.

"I wear a ring with a brown stone called an Aghigh which everyone in Iran believes wards off evil spirits and brings luck. But I am also quite good with my head."

- Hertha Berlin's Ali Daei explains how (unmarked) he scored the first of his side's goals against Chelsea in the Champions' League last week.

"This is the best result we have had all season . . . although that wouldn't be hard."

- Hamilton Academicals supporter Stephen Mungall who came fifth in the Hamilton South by-election last week (ahead of the Liberal Democrat candidate), when he stood to draw attention to the plight of the Scottish Division One club, which has no permanent base.