Mary Hannigan's Planet Football: It's customary for supporters, when they take a shine to a new player, to come up with a tune in his honour.

So, having been impressed by South Korean international Park Ji-Sung's ability to run longer than a bunny rabbit driven by Duracell batteries, Manchester United supporters have taken to singing: "Park, Park, whoever you may be, you eat dogs in your own country, but it could be worse, you could be Scouse, eating rats in your council house." Delightful. One dreads to think what they'd sing if they hadn't taken to him.

Swiss try milking World Cup

Ladies? Put down your crochet for a moment, we have a question for you. Which would you prefer this summer: to watch the World Cup or milk a cow with Mr Switzerland, Renzo Blumenthal? Yep, it's a toughie. But it's a dilemma that the Swiss tourism board have presented us with as they attempt to attract "World Cup widows" to the country while the lads are watching the football.

"Dear girls. Why not escape this summer's World Cup to a country where men spend less time on football, and more time on you," says the television ad, which features bare-chested Swiss hunks, including a mountain climber, a lumberjack, a train conductor and our Renzo, last year's Mr Switzerland, milking a cow.

And very lovely Renzo looks too - he milks like no udder - but not half as lovely as Ronaldinho, Messi, Henry and Rooney milking their, um, markers. Sorry Renzo, but good luck with your search for milking maids.

Quotes of the week

"If Livingstone don't keep their discipline the inevitable could happen."

- Mark Hateley on Setanta Sports. And spookily enough, the inevitable did happen.

"Fire At Old Trafford (Police Rule Out Arsene)."

- Breaking news from a Football 365 messageboard contributor last week. Class.

Question: "Who was the first black manager of an English Premier League side?"

Contestant: "Ron Atkinson?"

- This contestant, on Sara Cox's BBC radio show, should have used his phone-a-friend to call Marcel Desailly.

"I just don't like Milan. He goes where the job takes him, but it's not a pretty city. I much prefer the sea."

- Ronaldo's fiancee, Raica Oliveira, issues a come-and-get-him plea to Blackpool and Bray, among others.

Cisse boy

To be honest, when he spoke to the Observer about his interest in fashion, Djibril Cisse told us much, much more than we really needed to know about the goings-on in the Liverpool dressingroom. "Here at Liverpool it's Stevie G who teases me about my clothes," he said. "Sometimes I go to the showers, and when I come back he's wearing my clothes. I have funny underwear, like zebra print, so he puts on my underpants and walks around the dressingroom."

It's at times like this you have to be relieved that Bill Shankly has gone to a better place. And what would Shankly - or, say, Tommy Smith - have made of Cisse's revelation that, "If I could be anyone for a day I'd be a woman. I'd like to know what it feels like. If I was a woman I'd wear sexy clothes. Short skirts, high boots - that sort of thing"?

As for those tattoos . . . wings on his back, a spider's web covering his elbow, his zodiac sign in Chinese on his neck and some African masks up his right arm. "I have my daughter's name on my neck, and I'm going to put my new baby's name across my right foot," he said, conscious, we'd imagine, that if his wife has triplets there are only two available slots left, his left buttock and right ear lobe.

More songs of, em, praise

The English Football Licensing Authority have got in touch with Birmingham City to register their concern about the choice of music played by match-day compere Darren Porter at the recent game against Chelsea. The tunes? Money For Nothing (Dire Straits), Back in the USSR (The Beatles), Barcelona (Freddie Mercury) and Fall At Your Feet (Crowded House), the latter dedicated to one D Drogba. Naughty.

More quotes of the week

"He didn't incite the crowd - in fact, we plan to report the 4,500 people who called him a fat bastard."

- Sheffield United manager Neil Warnock defending goalkeeper Paddy Kenny after his run-in with Hull supporters.

"If Brazil win again the World Cup loses its charm. Brazil have everything in their power to be the team of the tournament - but they won't win. One person can decide a game - the referee. Bribing is not just about money. There are other ways too. The kidnapping of a relative, other types of debts. The economic interests will always win out."

- Seems to us like Brazilian legend Socrates is just a touch sceptical about all this Fifa Fair Play business.

"It was always clear that Michael did not want to learn a new language or a new culture, but a new currency."

- Bayern Munich head honcho Uli Hoeness accuses Michael Ballack of wanting to earn lots of money by moving to Chelsea. Earth to Uli?

"The area we've got to pay attention to now is the goal difference, because it may be really important in the outcome of the title race."

- Alex Ferguson, anticipating a bucket-load of goals against Sunderland.

"Chelsea know we are there, there is no disputing that. They know if they slip up we will take our chance . . . with the form we're in, I don't think it matters who we play."

- Alex Ferguson. Are you thinking what we're thinking? Yep, mind games are all very well, until you blow it by drawing 0-0 at home to . . . Sunderland.

Final request

"The day I die, I want my coffin painted blue and gold, like my heart," supporters of Argentina's Boca Juniors are oft heard to sing, apparently. Well, the club, as part of its efforts to boost its brand name, has responded to these supporters' very wishes and launched a set of three coffins . . . in Boca Juniors colours.

This, of course, has been done before by football clubs, the first in England being Carlisle United. "I know others do it now, but at the time it was ground-breaking stuff, if you'll pardon the pun," as Al Woodcock, editor of a Carlisle website, put it.

Anyway, keen not to concentrate on entirely ghoulish merchandise, Boca have also put their crest and colours on credit cards, mobile phones, jewellery, computers and . . . nappies. But shouldn't their nappies be in the colours of loathed rivals River Plate. Well, think about it.