John O'Sullivan trawled through the many websites to see what weird and wonderful appliances are on offer.
If told that standing on one leg, bracing the left knee while placing the right hand on the back of the head and swinging like a dervish while facing Mecca would guarantee a perfectly struck four-iron, some golfers would gladly undertake those contortions.
Pride is unbuckled by the lure of a quick fix.
The sport that lends itself to gadgets is strewn with broken promises and tales of unrequited love. Garages are littered with the debris of the failed marriages of golfer and gizmo.
Forget about instruction and practice. What the average hacker craves is the unveiling of the short-cut that takes them from 36 to 10 handicap in one session in the back garden.
They are looking to unlock the dark arts of holing three-foot putts, curing a slice, managing a hook, addressing aqua phobia even though they can swim and the mystery of the bladed wedge by device rather than instruction.
Away from the proving ground of the golf course, players retain an optimism for which manufacturers light candles. As a clientele they are nigh on perfect, romantics who will continue to court, lemming-like, those gadgets no matter how unfulfilling the unions have been in the past.
This is not a new phenomenon but the number and variety of such gadgets has mushroomed from the days when offbeat golfing aids included beating an old club against the side of a disused car tyre to improve the power of ball striking through the hitting area and a solid left side.
Christy O'Connor Snr was an advocate and there can be no better recommendation.
Trawling through various websites there were some weird and wonderful panaceas for all types of golfing ills, although some suggested that they could be more placebo than penicillin.
One particular aid caught the imagination but perhaps more pertinently, the prospect of catching a more sensitive and important bodily part if the would-be golfer didn't follow instruction very carefully.
The wonderfully titled "Crotch Hook" represents a strap and brace contraption designed to bring a Pavlovian outcome to those who failed to keep their head down during a swing.
It consists of a headband with an elastic cord attached to a giant seven-inch fish-hook that is fitted into the crotch of the golfer's trousers.
Raising one's head up high would bring far more catastrophic consequences than the whoosh of a fresh air.
It's not apparent whether this piece of apparatus is still on the market. Perched alongside was an advertisement for "The Holt Swing Glasses".
Shaped like glasses, they don't have optical glass. The theory behind the invention is that the spectacles force the golfer to keep his eyes on the ball throughout the swing as opaque plastic ridges surround the eyeholes in much the same manner as blinkers do for horses.
The wearer is in effect looking through two eye tunnels.
If the head moves, the ball disappears from view. All outside distractions, including head and club movements, are also thus eliminated, making this a valuable aid on the putting green as well.
Continuing the theme of restriction is the "Swing Jacket". According to the blurb, "The Swing Jacket is golf's ultimate swing teacher and golf's first learning technology.
"Arm cuffs slide along scientifically positioned rails guiding the golfer through the full range of motion of a complete golf swing.
"It is the only full swing training product that golfers use while they are actually hitting full golf shots - just as they will on the golf course." It's more Harry Houdini than Jack Nicklaus.
Another gem is the "Shag Pro Ball Shagger" and like pretty much every other device, it is one "that no golfer should be without."
Basically, it collects and dispenses up to 36 golf balls. The literature claims: "It helps improve the shot routine by dispensing one golf ball at a time. Moulded of impact resistant plastic, the Shag Pro is durable and waterproof."
Obviously the manufacturers have never heard of tipping over the bucket, bending down and placing a golf ball on the ground or the even more revolutionary concept of dropping it from a height and positioning it with the blade of the club.
Of more extraneous import is the "Pocket Markmaster Powder Dispensing Ball Marker w/ Metal Switchblade Divot Fork".
This is a real doozie. All the golfer has to do is tap it against the putting green and it dispenses a small dot of talcum powder 'to cleverly mark the position of your ball'.
Quite what would happen if a flock of birds with tummy trouble overflew the green is best left to the imagination.
The good news is that the talcum powder is biodegradable (so are bird droppings) and can be easily brushed away with a finger or shoe (not sure).
The manufacturer claims "the Markmaster has been officially registered and approved as fully conforming to the rules of golf. So it is perfectly legal to use anytime, anywhere.
"Unlike coin-shaped ball markers, the powder ring will never interfere with the roll of another player's putt. No more worries about moving your ball marker out of the way, or worrying about a putt getting deflected.
"It comes with one pre-filled powder cartridge plus a back-up spare cartridge. Both cartridges can be easily refilled. Just make a funnel out of a piece of paper and refill it at home using ordinary talcum or baby powder.
"In addition, both cartridges come with a removable, protective cap to prevent powder from getting in your pocket."
So if you notice a gentleman in plus fours at the counter in Boots, you'll know why.
The switchblade aspect of the pocket-sized item may be used to help interpret the outcome to disputes that might arise in a matchplay contest without recourse to the much thumbed tome, Decisions on the Rules of Golf.
There is simply no need to elaborate on ButtHead covers, "animal butt designs for golf club head covers" . Suffice to say the range covers 20 or so animals.
In slightly better taste is the Driver Tee, the brainchild of a German company. It's a hinged tee (the middle joint) that doesn't apparently fly away.
The bumph argues that it allows the golfer to be more "Exact and (promotes) longer drives. The computer designed form enables continuous reusing of one single golf tee.
"The ergonomic shape allows for consistency and control of Driver Tee's height. The provided arrow gives control of the Driver Tee's direction."
And for those greener golfers, "clean golf courses. No looking for lost tees. No damage to the green keeper's machinery because of broken or lost tees and last but not least, less usage of natural timber resources." Wunderbar.
There's no shortage of devices to part the golfer from his or her hard-earned cash. So get out there and get spending.
ODDS AND BOBS
The Kasco Royal Pekerie Glove: It's made from the skin of an Amazonian water pig called a Pekerie. The makers say it is not just a gimmick as it's far superior to the traditional synthetic leather glove: softer, more supple and durable and will last five times longer than normal leather. It costs £60.
John Lobb leather shoes: These are hand-made shoes from the aforementioned gentleman's store in London. The process involves making a last (mould of your foot) and using the best leather to guarantee the perfect amalgam of comfort and style. It costs £2,200 plus VAT for your first pair.
Rangemaster Distance Metre: It is a device that measures distance and is mounted on the right wheel of your golf trolley. It counts every yard covered by the trolley with a display showing the remaining distance. It costs £25.99.
Glideball Portable Driving Range (£199:99): Basically, you hit a golf ball attached to two nylon lines and as they diverge the ball's progress is restricted, and it springs back to the driving mat. You can take it anywhere, it's weather resistant and can be used by right- and left-handed golfers.
The Vijay Singh Speedstik Training Aid (£69.99): It has a gauge to measure the speed of your swing and can be used indoors and out. You have to perform aseries of drills and it comes with free tips and instruction. Vijay Singh heartily endorses the piece of equipment so if it doesn't work you know who to write to.
"Since I started swinging the Speedstik, my swing speed has increased by 10 miles per hour. I am hitting the ball farther and straighter, and because of this my scoring average has improved on the tour. I know that the Speedstik will do the same for your game as well." The Blue Speedstik is for golfers under 174 lb The Red Speed Stick is for Golfers 174 lb and over.
BirdieBall® by Birdie Ball Incorporated: It alleges that golf coaches and golf instructors around the world have voted it the Product of the Year for 2005! It is a limited flight practice golf ball that flies 40 yards. There is a turbine sound created by the high rate of reverse spin and is very durable. You can buy a dozen for about 40. Don't be put off by the fact that they're egg-shaped.
WEBSITES
www.santamonicapress.com
www.golfinginnovations.com
www.onlinegolf.co.uk
www.biogolf.co.uk
www.drivertee.com
www.kascogolf.com
www.johnlobb.com
