It's a bit like the Sony World Rankings: there will never be a general consensus about the accuracy of the Caddie Rankings either. That's if they existed, of course, but I wonder who would feature if there was such a ranking system. Would the top 50 get into the majors? The World tour?

Well, it's too early to say who gets an exemption to these events. Caddies on tour are often referred to as rats, due to the historically abject nature of the profession. One thing for sure is that the Rat Rankings would be dominated by the Americans, just like the Sony is dominated by the American golfers.

Depending on the exchange rate of the yen, Jumbo Ozaki's cad would probably command a steady top 10 position as the sole solid Asian contender. David Duval's toter Mitch Knox would have to be the undisputed number one now that Fluff and Tiger have parted ways.

Knox has been on the end of 11 wins (in 37 events) over the last year and a half, which would place him fairly high in the European Players' list, let alone the caddie rankings. Spare a thought for Duval's previous caddie.

They parted company a week before Duval opened his amazing account of wins at the end of '97. He had worked for him through the Nike Tour: that's how Duval got his Tour card. They continued their partnership for Duval's first few years on Tour, without a win.

In hindsight, it would appear that Duval made the right decision to find another caddie. It would be harsh to say that his ex-caddie had been holding him back, but this new combination is proving to be invincible.

The Rat Rankings, unlike the Sony, don't guarantee your points for a year, so within the space of a couple of bad club selections, the leaders may fall right back to the anonymity of the car park i.e. looking for a new bag on Tuesday mornings. CVs are of a verbal nature here. Need a caddie? . . . Yes or no. No time for a job history, it's down to good timing and perhaps some wage compromises.

The big bags these days are negotiated by management teams and public relations experts or what's cool with Nike, and, in general, through more sophisticated modes of communication than a chat in the car park. So, like many aspects of life that involve large sums of money, success is a fickle mistress. Take a fairly recent couple of cases.

At the World Cup last year in Auckland, I met Steve Williams. There's a name that is probably about to become as commonplace among golf announcers as Fluff. Steve was in the car park of Gulf Harbour looking for a bag. He ended up gratefully working for Per Haugsrud from Norway - only because Haugrud's regular caddie had become stranded in Thailand.

Now, with no disrespect to Per, he's a fairly modest performer. I'm not sure if his name would appear in the top 200 in the World. So now Steve is working for Tiger. He would have to get the Shooting Cad award of '99. I know it's early days yet but he is a good caddie and he has worked for many good players over the last 10 years. I'm sure he'll last with Tiger and I think his image will be acceptable to Nike's advertising moguls.

No sooner does one door open than another one slams behind it. So on the other side of rapid escalation up the Rat Rankings, let's take Ernie Els's ex-caddie, and see his rankings since his parting with Ernie at the end of '98.

As quickly as Steve Williams catapulted to the top, Ernie's cad plunged to the southern end of the list, with no pause along the way. He worked for Stuart Cage at The Turespana Masters in Malaga last March, with a total prize fund equal to the first prize that his ex-boss was pursuing in the States the same week. So I suppose he gets the Falling Cad award with a plummet equally as dramatic as Williams's rise.

The recent update on Ernie's ex is that he is working for Andrew Coltart, so he's on the move up the rankings again.

Almost into summer, and some players are readjusting their personnel departments in preparation for the hot season. Mark O'Meara has given his caddie his marching orders after years of service. It's hard to know how these decisions come about. In the O'Meara situation, its a bit like a company announcing record profits for the year and in the same breath saying that the managing director has been fired. Maybe O'Meara expected to win more than just two majors last year.

More difficult calculations for the Rat Rankers. Jesper Parnevik fired his caddie recently and of course has just won with a new cad on the bag. The wonder wasn't that he got fired, but that he lasted so long, about six months this time. Parnevik is notorious for his caddie shuffling.

So the question of how to maintain your rat ranking is not as easily answered as how a golfer keeps his position on the Sony rankings (by having a lot of talent, repeating his swing and holing loads of putts). The skill of caddying is somewhat vague. "Gypsy" reckoned that he had always been a very good caddie. He maintained that he always went to the first tee with a very good player and that that was the easiest way to be a successful caddie. His present boss is no exception to Gypsy's theory - Steve Elkington.

So what is a good player looking for in a caddie? In short, good decision making and compatibility.

In the case of Fluff and O'Meara's caddie, you could hardly say that either combination had been unsuccessful. The lesson is: I wouldn't be planning my trips too far in advance. The players get to keep their Sony points for a year. The administrators of the Rat Rankings make no such guarantees.