A bluffer's guide to track cycling

Q: Borrring! It’s the dreary old wheels-on.

A: The what?

Q: The wheels-on. Like the wheels on the bus? All they do is go round and round, round and round, round and round.

A: They do more than that.

Q: All. Day. Long.

A: You haven’t a clue, do you? If that’s all they do, what’s the Keirin. What’s the Omnium?

Q: Well I have no idea, do I? I’ll take a wild guess, though, that they all involve some variation on going round and round.

A: Okay, I’ll give you that much. But each event is wildly different. Take the team sprint that starts today. Teams of three, three laps of the track. Rider number one leads out the first lap and then leaves the track, rider number two does the same for the second lap and then leaves the last rider to race the last lap.

Q: Sounds like “The Weakest Link” with saddle rash.

A: Call it what you like, it’s thrilling to watch.

Q: I’ll take your word for it. What’s this Kieran, then? Anything to do with McGeeney?

A: It’s Keirin. You’ll like this one. Eight laps of the track, the first 5½ led out by a guy on a moped.

Q: A moped? What is this, the Piazza Barberini?

A: The idea is that Moped Man gradually increases his speed (from 25kph to 45kph for women, 30kph to 50 kph for men) with the riders in his wake until he leaves them midway through the fifth lap, setting off a madcap sprint to the end. It’s frenetic and it takes a huge toll on the body.

Q: And you said it had nothing to do with McGeeney.

A: Then there’s the Omnium, which is like a decathlon. Or a hexathlon, if you like. Six races over two days – a flying lap, points race, elimination, individual pursuit, scratch race and time trial. Ireland’s Martyn Irvine will be in this from Saturday.

Q: Fair enough. Big home interest in the velodrome?

A: Indeed. The Brits will surely start picking up golds here. Expect Chris Hoy, Jason Kenny and Vicky Pendleton all to get the full Lineker’s Couch treatment.

Q: Oh dear. No chance you could tie Gary to the track in front of that moped, no?

A: Trust me, the idea has been going round and round my head for a while now.

Malachy Clerkin

Quick notes

For a full interactive animated guide to each sport go to irishtimes.com/sport

Top spoofing factoid: Women's track cycling only became an Olympic sport in 1988.

Do say: Those bikes have no brakes.

Don't say: Has anyone made sure the moped at least has some?

When: Qualifying 4pm, finals 6pm.