If this is someone's idea of a joke, well listen buddy, there ain't nobody here laughing. We're mad. No, scratch that. We're mad as hell. For months life has followed a nice, predictable path and we've liked it that way. Now you come along with your fancy ideas trying to change things, without even having the decency to ask us what we thought.
You see, it used to be different. In the early hours of every wintery Tuesday morning we made the lonely trudge through Belfast's mean streets to The Irish Times's penthouse office perched on top of a luxury tower block in one of the city's most fashionable areas. There, under the ever-vigilant and caring eye of the Northern Editor, 1,200 words a week have been chiselled out of the tough, unyielding granite of local sport.
Issues as diverse as why attendances at hockey matches stubbornly refuse to break through the magical double figure barrier or whether the new Northern Ireland Executive will order that all future Linfield v Cliftonville football matches will have to kick off at three o'clock in the morning to avoid crowd trouble have been addressed in the same cheery, devil-may-care mood. Now and again the Northern Editor would appear from nowhere, sneak a peek at the screen and nod sagely in approval.
One hundred miles further south, the Sports Editor accepted every weekly missive from these troubled counties with the glee normally reserved for new-born babies and Ulster defeats in AllIreland semi-finals. All was well with the world and we kept counting the money. Jeez, we were even girding our loins in anticipation of the lowscoring, angst-ridden annual spectacle that is the Ulster football championship and dreaming up witty rhymes for names like Tohill and Canavan.
Now, into this arid wasteland - where the biggest recent highlight has been the Women's Home International Bowls Championship - come two major international events on, wait for it, the same weekend. Next Saturday and Sunday over 700 athletes from 72 counties will slosh through the muck at the Barnett Demesne course in South Belfast competing in the 27th World Cross Country Championships. A few miles down the road on Saturday afternoon, Germany are the visitors at Windsor Park for a European Championship qualifier against Northern Ireland. The boys in the Sports Council blazers and the Irish Football Association training coats are happy with this glut and they are not afraid to show it. You can't go into a bar or a chip shop anywhere in this town without bumping into one of them grinning from ear to ear. They swagger around and talk smugly about how "all our efforts to attract top class sporting events in spite of all our problems are now paying off" and that "if things keep going like this, a national stadium is the next logical step".
We look into their eyes and we know that they don't care that there isn't a hack for miles around who is ready for all this. Nobody knows how to write about all this grown-up stuff or what questions you're supposed to dream up for bona fide sports stars. Nobody here has progressed much past queries about "the crunch mid-week cup tie in front of 37 people coming up on Wednesday night". We're not too proud to admit it - we're scared. All this international attention has arrived too soon and we're not really ready.
The gallant footballers of Northern Ireland languish in the lower reaches of the FIFA world rankings and the most recent entry in their form guide is a stuttering 2-2 home draw against the not-so-mighty Moldovans. They're now as likely to qualify for Euro 2000 as Alex Higgins is to be invited to Dennis Taylor's retirement bash and there is a real danger that the Germans, hurting from a 3-0 humiliation by the US in Florida last month, could do some real damage on Saturday. Without the indisposed Sonia O'Sullivan and Catherina McKiernan and with the massed ranks of some superlative African runners in the men's race, prospects do not look much brighter on the cross-country front. For the local entrants this does look like a weekend when taking part will be the most important thing.
ALL, though, is not lost. There is still a fight to be fought and we still have a role to play. You see it's at times like this, times of real trouble, that people look to the humble sports hack for a solution. There is a way out of this dilemma where all the hardworked scribes are expected to be in two places at once and the Out of the North grand plan is here to provide it.
It runs something like this. Instead of playing a mundane old football game on Saturday, the Northern Ireland squad should instead take advantage of all the hard work that has gone into the cross country championships and challenge the Germans to a two-mile race over the same course. This could be held before or after the men's short race on Saturday with, say, teams of six players representing each country. The team with the lowest score would then get the European Championship points.
It sounds crazy, but it might just work. Only last night we contacted Northern Ireland manager Lawrie McMenemy with all the details of the proposed change of sport and venue. At first he was very sceptical. "It's very short notice now that I've got all the lads away from their clubs' reserve teams in England. Most of them don't get enough match practice as it is." But he did become a lot more amenable when we questioned the wisdom of sending the lumbering 34-year-old Iain Dowie, currently struggling to get into the QPR first team, out to play centre forward against Germany. "I take your point," he conceded graciously. Lawrie warmed further to the idea when the natural speed of some of his midfield players was pointed out. "Boys like Keith Gillespie and Michael Hughes would be a real asset, wouldn't they? You might be on to something here - hang on a minute."
After 30 seconds of telephone silence he returned with what he said was a comprehensive dossier drawn up by his Northern Ireland assistant, Joe Jordan. "I'm just looking at the age of some of these German guys in the stats. From what I can see Joe doesn't mention that any of them have done anything like this before. If we got into an early lead we might have a chance of stealing the points and keeping the Euro 2000 dream alive." As he dreamt of a famous victory over the reigning European champions, Lawrie hung up and scuttled off to contact the mandarins at the IFA for their blessing. Only Sepp Blatter and FIFA now stand between us and victory.
If only this first step across the sporting divides could be taken, the possibilities are endless. Linfield could do a great job of representing Antrim in the Ulster club hurling championship. And Crossmaglen Rangers wouldn't stand for any nonsense in the Ulster Cricket League. With just a little leap of faith, we can all move forward together.
