Some Things For The New Year:
Something I Might Be Saying: My name is Tom and I'm a recovering Leeds United fan. It started when I was six, that buzz, "nobody likes us and we don't care". Wow, that blew me away, and pretty soon I'd been mainlining it for 32 years and I'd lost my self-respect.
Then a short while ago I saw the lads and they'd just scored a goal and they were trying to involve Jonathan Woodgate and Lee Bowyer in their celebration while that particular pair of toe-rags were stood upon a TV gantry at Elland Road instead of being on their way to new clubs, and I thought then of Davo's cruddy book and all the weaselly words and I said to myself, "What am I doing trailing after people like this? I'm better than this".
So I've been on replacement therapy, doing a bit of Sunderland - they've got Added Quinny, which calms me, and they've some Jason McAteer, which stops my mood swings, plus Extract of Kilbane and pure diamond geezer Peter Reid. It's one day at a time . . .
Some Things I Hope To Say: "So, Tommy Lyons. First year in charge and an All-Ireland title, won in some style it has to be said. What's next?" "I love you too, Roy." "No Mick, I'm not Richard Dunne, but of course I'll play centre half."
Some Things I Hope To Hear: "It is with great reluctance that this Government accepts that its plans for a large stadium to serve in memorial for An Taoiseach is in fact ludicrous. Resources will be devoted to other areas of sport, particularly grass roots and a smaller more appropriate venue close to town will be built. " "You'll never beat the sports hacks! You'll never beat the sports hacks! (as chanted by massive appreciative crowd as triumphant press corps return from Japan)" "Arise, Sir Eddie Irvine." "The green jacket fits you just fine Padraig." "Cheers, Tiger."
Something Else I Hope To Be Saying: Watashitachi wa ashita kikok shimas demo futskayoi, Des ("We go home tomorrow, but I have a hangover, Des." This to be said to the hotel staff the day Ireland win the World Cup.) "Sorry, I don't care if you are Robbie Keane, I haven't the time to interview you today." "That's your ball a few yards behind mine, Tiger."
Some Things I Hope Not To Be Saying: Kore wa hidoi, Des ("This is a disaster, Des"). Memai ga shimas ("I feel dizzy"). Hai daiet to chu, Des ("Yes, I am on a diet, Des").
Some Things I Hope To Catch: World Cup fever. Me bus. Myself on, especially about these lame columns.
Some Things I Hope Not To Catch: Myself saying Hayai! Geridome wa arimas ka? ("Quick! Do you have diarrhoea medicine?) Daniel O'Donnell Live. Bertie Bowl Fever. Mark Kennedy and Phil Babb on the bonnet of my car.
Some Books I Hope To Read: Pensees: Un Livre Philosophique de Roy Keane. A Stogie Stopped My Bogey: the Darren Clarke story. Lone Gunman or Conspiracy? The Warren Commission Report on the Warren Gatland Assassination.
Some Appointments I Hope Not to See Made: Martin O'Neill to Manchester United. David Beckham with another fashion photographer. Niall Quinn with his retirement planning consultant.
Some Appointments Which Must Be Made: Freddie Ljundberg with a mirror. Alex Ferguson with a beach. Istabraq with Cheltenham.
Some Movies Which Have to Be Made: The Man Who Wasn't There: Louis Van Gaal and the 2002 World Cup. Meet the Parents: the Women's Tennis Tour Explained. Apocalypse Now Redux: the Ger Loughnane Story.
Some People We Should Appreciate More: Tony McCoy, Sam Lynch, Damien Duff.
Some People We Once Loved But May Possibly Forget About: Mark Kennedy, Keith O'Neill, Richard Dunne, BL╔, Oh, what'shisname? The guy? Used to be the main man?
Some Things Which Must Pass: Rule 42 into oblivion. Gary Breen to a nearby player wearing the same jersey. Ships in the night.
Some Things Which Just Never Come to Pass: Dublin half backs on solo runs. Politicians not gatecrashing Irish sporting successes. Sports hacks falling back on cliches. Yes, we avoid them like the plague.
Some Haircuts Which Must Be Brought Back: The Mullet. The Kevin Keegan Bubble Perm. The Afro.
Some New Year's Resolutions: Go on the Richard Dunne Diet. Persuade Richard Dunne to try the Tony McCoy Diet. Better.
