Yes, yes, the Sonia O'Sullivans and Steve Redgraves of this world deserve a passing mention at the end of the sporting year that's been in it - but what about sport's forgotten heroes, like Farkhod Oripov and whataya-call-him, who helped make it the year it was? So, in reverse order, here are the winners of the 2000 "Yoo hoo - remember us?" sporty awards.
Five: No disagreements here, Steve Redgrave's umpteenth Olympic gold medal in his umpteenth Olympic Games was impressive stuff. Heroic, even. And when he's knighted in across-the-water's New Year's honours list you'll hear no grumbling from this armchair, not least because New Labour is intent on knighting anyone not born with a double-barrel name anyway so, it might as well be a rower as a stand-up comedian.
So, what's our problem? Matthew Pinsent - that's our problem. Indeed, "Free the Matty One" has been our cry ever since Britain's coxless four crossed that watery finishing line at Sydney's Penrith Lakes. Matty won his third consecutive gold (count 'em) in that race but has found himself to be a mere afterthought in all this Redgrave mania, a forgotten man, a hastily scribbled postscript, unidentifiable in the shadow cast over his ruddy face by the five-times gold medal winner.
Will Matty be knighted? Oh no. He'll have to settle for a DIY, a CNN, a TV3, a CBE, or whatever you call the runners-up prize in that honours list. And what about . . . what d'you call them . . . em . . . the other two fellas in the boat with Stevie and Matty? Passengers on Stevie's paddle to glory. Matty Pinsent (and the other two) We salute you.
Four: Figo? Huh. Zidane? Bah. Olav Kre Fiske? Now you're talking. Back in May Olav was keeping goal for Norwegian club Surnadal in a monster cup match against Sunndal. It was a tense affair, with the crowd (Morten and Trond) barely able to look once the game went into extra-time. Olav was a bit tense himself too, suddenly discovering that he was desperately in need of a wee.
He tried to hold on but his kidneys were having none of it so he legged it to the touchline to answer nature's call. And what did Sunndal's louser of a midfielder, Tor Oddvar Torve, do while he was gone? Lobbed the ball from 40 yards into the empty net. Final score? Sunndal 1, Surnadal 0. We don't care - a man's gotta go when a man's gotta go. Olav Kre Fiske? We salute you.
Three: Have you, like us, dreamt of carrying the Olympic torch since the days Jimmy Osmond was the centre of your universe? Yes? We have no doubt that 15year-old Yianna Souleles felt the same, although she's probably never heard of the Long Haired Lover from Liverpool. Imagine how little Yianna felt when she was told she would be the first Australian to carry the Olympic torch when it arrived en route from Athens. Probably didn't sleep for a month. All set to go . . . when she was told, at the last minute, that the honour had instead been given to little Sophie Gosper. "Sophie who?" an inconsolable little Yianna probably asked. Sophie Gosper, daughter of Kevan, vice president of the International Olympic Committee. Yianna Souleles? We salute you.
Two: All his life he trained for the moment, the moment he would take to the Olympic stage and attempt to lift that big heavy thing that weightlifters lift. Nostrils flailing, chest swelling, heart pumping, all of Latvia sitting up in the middle of the night to watch live on telly . . . Raimonds Bergmanis' time had come. But then at his first attempt, in the 105 kg competition, he fell on his elbow and was hit on the head by the bar which also smashed his foot. He suffered a dislocated elbow, a bruised head and had to be carried from the stage by three men. Olympics over. Mortified. Raimonds Bergmanis? We salute you.
One: Walking? Jane Saville? Remember? She was the Australian who was a mere 200 metres from gold in the 20 km walk at the Olympics when she was caught doing what everyone else was doing any way - running. Asked later what she needed to ease the pain Jane replied: "A gun to shoot myself." She added: "It's such a fine line between being the greatest ever and wonderful, to being nobody." Well Jane, you're a somebody to us. Who won the race? Dunno. Don't care. Jane Saville? We salute you.
Zero: Roll the drums please - the joint winners of the 2000 "Yoo hoo - remember us?" sports awards are . . . Tajikistan's Farkhod Oripov and Nigeria's Karim Bare. "Who?" you ask. Exactly. Who was 2000's biggest sporting megastar? Yes, Eric the eel Moussambani, the Olympic swimmer who couldn't swim very well. But who made Eric the eel Moussambani the year's biggest sporting megastar? Farkhod Oripov and Karim Bare, that's who.
They were the lads who were disqualified from the 100-metre heat for flinging themselves into the water a nanosecond before they should have, thus leaving himself as Eric's only opponent (and, damn it, himself nearly won). Without that pair we might never have heard of Eric. So, thank you Farkhod and Karim we salute you.
