Anne Doyle: "We go over live now to Charlie Bird who, after a 21 day-undercover operation outside a home in a Dublin suburb, has some dramatic television pictures to show us."
Charlie Bird: "Thank you Anne. Yes, indeed, these are quite sensational pictures, perhaps even as dramatic and revelationary as my award-winning report on the 1989 drought in Manorhamilton, or, indeed, my 1996 interview with . . ."
Anne: "Get on with it Charlie."
Charlie: "Right. Sorry Anne. Okay, first the background. A neighbour of the person we had under surveillance the past three weeks, who we cannot yet name for legal reasons, rang the RTE News Desk, giving the correct code, asked for me personally and told me that the curtains of the house next door had not been opened since the morning of June 10th and that strange sounds could be heard emanating from the living room, like `Dan Petrescu, je t'aime, je t'adore, je voudrai donner you babies'." Anne: "Weird."
Charlie: "That's what I thought, so I set up camp outside the house and waited and waited and waited and waited . . ."
Anne: "Get on with it Charlie."
Charlie: ". . . until, finally, this morning, we captured these pictures. Roll it there. Now if you look closely at the living room you will spot the curtains being opened . . . and if we just fast forward a few frames you'll spot the front door of the house opening . . . and a hand comes out, digs its way through the cobwebs, letters, bills and junkmail, and hauls in the 42 bottles of milk that have been sitting on the doorstep for the past 21 days. Now you'll see me courageously approaching the house and ringing the door bell."
Charlie: "Ring, ring."
World Cup junkie: "AH! What are you?"
Charlie: "I'm a human being."
WCJ: "NO! You're a giant! Humans are only this big (draws picture of television screen with right forefinger)."
Charlie: "What's going on inside your house - who else is in there?"
WCJ: "Only Bill, Gilesie, Liamo, Jimmy Magee, Big Ron, Des, Jimmy Hill, Lawro, Hanso, Michel Platini, the Argentinian squad, the Croatian squad, the . . ."
Charlie: "Are you mad?"
WCJ: "Who said that?"
Charlie: "Me. What day is it?"
WCJ: "Rest Day. And me back four's gone all flat, my first touch is brutal, Nigeria have gone home, Chilavert's a dude, I love Gilesie, he is my God . . ."
Charlie: "Uh oh - CUT! This is too dangerous, I'm outta here."
WCJ: "Rest Day, oh no, Rest Day, what am I do? Gilesie? Where are you? Come back. I need you. Uggggh, Rest Day. Help!"
Charlie: "And there you have it Anne, a disturbing portrayal of World Cupitis and all its ugly side-effects."
WCJ: "Help."
