"Tonight we have an exclusive behind-the-scenes look at how the new land speed record of 766 miles an hour was created last week," said the Tomorrow's World presenter on Wednesday, before first introducing a piece that reminded us all why we used to mitch chemistry classes in our youth.
Having waited in vain all week for coverage of the recent Chinese National Games, it seemed, at last, that we were going to get to see one of the extraordinary world record breaking performances by a Ma Junren-coached runner.
But, disappointingly, the Tomorrow's World feature turned out to be a report on Thrust SSC's breaking of the sound barrier in an American desert.
Whether or not Thrust SSC was fuelled by caterpillar fungus and the blood of freshly killed turtles to help it go faster than the speed of sound, we were never told, but Ma's claims that just such a diet is the secret behind his runners' success was one of the subjects up for discussion later that night on Channel Four's Under the Moon.
Eugene from Crawley rang in to comment on the form of Ma's runners but then went off on a tangent by bringing up the entirely unrelated subject of drugs in sport.
"I think the time has come for drugs to be allowed in athletics - you could have a separate Games for them," he suggested. "But then it would just become a competition for chemists," argued studio guest Sharron Davies, the former Olympic swimming medallist.
"Yeah, but you could have the drug manufacturers sponsoring the athletes," countered Eugene. Mmm, there's an idea: forget Nike and Coca Cola . . . how about `Harry's Human Growth Hormones' emblazoned across the chest of the 100 metres winner in the first Official Drugs' Games?
Mark from Bishop Stortford was next on the phone. "Hello, I'd like to talk about Michelle Smith-De Bruin, if I could."
"Okay . . . provided you're going to be pretty careful," warned presenter Danny Kelly. "Yes, thread carefully," added Sharron.
Danny shifted uncomfortably in his seat before realising that Mark was, in fact, a supporter of De Bruin, which is more than can be said about Ed from Birmingham, the next caller to the show.
Ed has a BIG problem with Michelle De Bruin. And Martina Hingis. And Sonia O'Sullivan. And . . . well, sportswomen in general. "Women's sport, at the moment, is basically nothing more than soft porn," he declared.
(Now, in fairness, we had been warned about Ed's mental instability when he began his phone call with the prediction that Manchester United would soon be "running scared" of Liverpool. In other words Ed, bless him, is not the full shilling).
"Basically sportswomen are just flaunting themselves, they're just tarts," he complained. Sharron took a deep breath and asked Ed to elaborate on his theory. "You're not athletes any more, you wear make-up and stuff, you just try to attract the men, the way you behave, the things you wear. Women's sport is only looked upon now by men as entertainment, it's not sport any more."
"What do YOU think we should wear when we race down the pool," asked Sharron. "Well you obviously have to wear a swimming costume, but not as revealing as they are. It's the same in tennis with the short skirts - they're not necessary."
"I have a suggestion for you my friend, I think you have the problem here, not the ladies," said Danny. "No, women in sport either look like blokes or are tarts, basically," said Ed, resting his case.
Maybe Ed had watched Monday's Sex, Lies and Aliens on Channel Four, a Cutting Edge documentary on the Sunday Sport, er, newspaper. Maybe he had been traumatised by the sight of Lola (whose 71-inch bust - the largest in the world - provided the paper with an almighty scoop) and was left with a pathological fear and loathing of women.
"I'm told she fancies Ryan Giggs so that would be fantastic if we could get a picture of her chasing him around. Yeah, running on to the training ground after Giggsie," said the excited editor at a meeting with Lola's agent. "She can't, her back will give out."
Phew, a close shave for Giggsie. The Editor? Gutted.
But no sooner had one great photo opportunity fallen through than another presented itself. "We've had a call from a farmer who says he has a cow with Jimmy Hill's face on it - the chin, everything," the features editor told her boss.
"What? Like painted on the side?," he asked. "No, it's genuine - the markings on the side of it look like Jimmy Hill." "Mother nature's genius - cor, Jimmy Hill is hilarious by himself, but on the side of a cow! Find the cow and ring Jimmy Hill," ordered the Ed, who had, by now, cheered up. Over the moon in fact.
Cut to a field in the middle of nowhere, a reporter and photographer plod their way through a herd of cattle (and their pats) searching for Jimmy Hill's face. "There it is," shrieked the reporter.
She raced back to the office, dialled Jimmy's number and left a message on his answering machine. "Hello, this is Sarah Stevens from the Sunday Sport calling for Jimmy Hill. Jimmy we've found a cow with your face on it and we wondered would you be prepared to comment." Jimmy never phoned back but do you know what? The only place he'd see a better likeness of himself than the one on the side of that cow would be in a mirror. Remarkable.
