TV View:John Hillstrand has, apparently, a Harley Davidson motorbikey type machine that is rigged with something called a nitrous boost so that he goes from nought to 120mph at the touch of a button. He's a man in a hurry, is John.
We thought about his machine on Wednesday night and reckoned that if Roman Abramovich heard about it he'd probably make it manager of Chelsea. They do, after all, say the Russian is a man of little patience, so a nitrous boost to the team's fortunes is what he'll be demanding from the Special One's successor.
Avram Grant, that is. "He's a caretaker, and no more," insisted Shaun Custis on Sky Sports' Sunday Supplement yesterday. "But he looks like an undertaker," said Henry Winter, an observation that had everyone nodding gravely around the breakfast table.
For many, though, Avram's only crime is he isn't Jose Mourinho, which not many people are - although Sky News interviewed an old friend of Jose's last week by the name of Jose Marinho, so he came closer than most.
It was one of those "Where were you when you heard the news?" moments. The answer to this question is, invariably, "In front of the telly," as we were late on Wednesday night. There we were, glued to the adventures of John Hillstrand, his crew, his Time Bandit boat and its heroic efforts to empty the Bering Sea of Alaskan king crab (admit it, you watch Deadliest Catch too), when we flicked to Sky News during the ads to learn Jose was no more. In Chelsea terms, that is.
When Robbie Williams left Take That, Sky News brought in a counsellor to try and help distraught little girls come to terms with the tragedy. The little girls pulled through, but we're not so sure the Chelsea fans they interviewed all day Thursday will get over this loss as quick.
"He'll always be my most Special One," sobbed one particular lady outside Stamford Bridge, who came close to decking her inquisitor when he humbly suggested the club might be bigger than any one individual.
Thursday. Breaking (Sky) News. "Chelsea FC: Jose Mourinho did not resign and was not sacked." The Sky News readers looked befuddled. "Um, if he didn't resign and he wasn't sacked, what's left?" asked the fella with the big shoulders and cheeky smile. "Mutual consent", we learnt later, was the answer. ("Mutual consent" is a Russian term for "no Shevchenko, no Mourinho - bye".)
"Avram who?", was the next question. 'Arry Redknapp tried to help. Avram worked with 'Arry at Portsmouth, and 'Arry only had good fings to say about him. He knew he once coached Israel, for example (will we ever forget?), and 'Arry has respect for any man who once managed a South American country.
No. We made that up. We're just recalling 'Arry's recent chat with two of his Senegal players when they returned from international duty. "Who did you play?" he asked them. "They said, 'Somefing Faso'. I know it's somewhere in Africa, but where is Burkina Faso? I bet it's a long way from here." And anywhere that's a long way from here (Portsmouth) is strange and mysterious to 'Arry.
Any way, on to Super Sunday on Sky Sports. Was Wayne Rooney astonished by events at Chelsea? "Obviously it was a surprise because we didn't expect it," he said, almost (but not quite) echoing Ray Wilkins's thoughts on the subject on the Thursday: "Unfortunately, nothing surprises me in football any more . . . to say I'm astounded is an understatement."
Then a football match broke out. And Chelsea lost. "I'm very happy with the boys, they give a big fight today," Avram told Sky Sports. In truth, he looked like an undertaker. Even when he smiles the screen is filled with gloom. But maybe that's what working for Roman Abramovich does to you. Unless Avram can inject that nitrous boost one suspects he'll be managing Somefing Faso, or such like, any day soon.
And Somefing Faso, you kind of assume, is where Eddie O'Sullivan would like to be this weather. "Run straight, score straight and win straight," Ian Paisley had advised his boys on Setanta on Friday, ahead of the French game, when, actually, you'd wanted him to bellow: "NO SURRENDER!"
Come Saturday night, Eddie was, oddly enough, making himself available for a 20-minute chat with the Setanta panel, live from Bordeaux. "We're in a mess, aren't we? How did we get here, Eddie?" asked Paul Dempsey, just to ease Eddie into the natter.
We couldn't picture Stan Staunton subjecting himself to the same with Billo, Gilesie, Eamo and Liamo. "The greatest plans of mice and men can sometimes go astray," said Eddie, who struck us as a man so dejected not even a nitrous boost could lift him.
