SOCCER: ON THE COUCH:The RTÉ panel found the game hard to call – "too many known unknowns and unknown unknowns", as Eamon Rumsfeld put it
SO THEN, Chelsea v Manchester United, effectively the first leg of the Champions League final, if you forget about Barcelona, Real Madrid and Schalke, which you probably shouldn’t. And Inter Milan, Spurs and Shakhtar Donetsk, which you probably should.
First up there was a recap of the games from the night before, the highlight being Schalke’s demolition of Inter, the reigning – although admittedly José-less – European champions.
Short of Inter doing unto the Schalke defence in the second leg what, say, Kevin O’Brien did to the England blowing attack – you know, smasharama – then the Germans will be through to face the winners of Chelsea v United.
“So, whoever wins tonight could effectively be in the final,” said Bill O’Herlihy in a tribute to the Schalke lads. A tribute, you’d imagine, that will be replayed – with subtitles, presumably – in their dressingroom before their semi-final. If they get there.
And if they knock Chelsea/United out they’ll most probably lift their jerseys to reveal “okey-doke” T-shirts.
The panel found the all-English quarter-final hard to call – “too many known unknowns and unknown unknowns”, as Eamon Rumsfeld put it – but they shared a concern about the effect Roman Abramovich’s obsession with winning the Champions League would have on the Chelsea players.
“If I’d invested £830 million I’d be obsessional as well,” said Bill, not unreasonably, but his colleagues wondered if this pressure would leave Lampard, Drogba, Terry Co weak at the knees. In a bad way.
Not that United didn’t have their own problems – eg, Wayne ****ing Rooney.
“A very silly boy,” said Gilesie, but he wasn’t entirely convinced that his cursing woes would hamper his form. “I mean, he’s had bigger problems,” he said, but he hadn’t time to list them all out because it was kick-off time.
Over to Stamford Bridge, then, and George Hamilton noted that “the referee is from Pamplona”. No, George, noooo! But he couldn’t resist: “Let’s hope there’s nothing overly bullish about this fixture tonight.”
Off we went. Ray Houghton marvelled at the wonder that is Javier ‘Chicharito’ Hernandez, which reminded us of an uncomfortable piece of entirely useless information: Hernandez was 11 days old when Houghton put the ball in the back of the English Euro ’88 net. That’s just disquieting.
Goal. A thing of beauty, too, with a little bit of mystery thrown in: it started with Michael Carrick finding a team-mate with a pass.
Instead of having a ****ing word with the camera, Rooney instead had a chat with the heavens, perhaps pleading for divine intervention ahead of the Football Association’s verdict today on his use of industrial language.
Half-time and the panel was largely unimpressed. “Chelsea were worse than United,” was Gilesie’s summary, flabbergasted by the number of times both sides gave the ball away – a capital offence, in Gilesie’s book of footballing crimes.
Fernando Torres, though, was the chief source of concern. Dunphy reckoned the Spanish fella’s mind was now like a “scrambled egg”.
“I don’t like doing this, to be honest Bill,” said Gilesie as he was nominated to analyse Torres’ first half, his touch bringing to mind two quotes about Carlton Palmer: “He can trap the ball further than I can kick it” (Ron Atkinson) and “We reckon Carlton Palmer covers every blade of grass – but then you have to if your first touch is that crap” (Dave Jones).
This class of talk, naturally enough, encouraged the assumption that Torres would help himself to a second-half hat-trick, thus reminding us just why that £50 million price-tag was a snip.
Not to be, though, the panel later wiggling an eyebrow or six at the decision to take Drogba off, and not Torres. Drogba took the decision well, it should be said, in a kind of a “WTF?!” sort of way.
A quiet enough second half, apart from Chelsea getting a bit riled at the end when they weren’t given a penalty for Patrice Evra innocuously upending Ramires in the box.
“It looked as if the boy made the most of it,” said Alex Ferguson after the game, denying it was a penalty. “It was a break – and the first we have had in seven years here,” he said, confirming it was a penalty.
Advantage United, then. Hold on to that lead at Old Trafford and they’ll be in the final. Well, if you forget Schalke, that is.
