TV VIEW: APRÈS MATCHdid a You're On Sky Sports sketch a few years back which starred a Malcolm from Shepherd's Bush who rang the show while sitting on a toilet in a hotel, watching the telly in the bedroom through the open door.
He asked Terry Venables to tell him about a player “we haven’t heard of” who would be a star of that summer’s World Cup. “A great question, unusual angle,” said the host.
But Tel pointed out that if “we ’aven’t heard of him how can I tell you about him,” which left Malcolm decidedly unimpressed and resulted in an ugly slanging match between the pair.
Sometimes, though, it's hard to tell the difference between the real You're On Sky Sportsand the Après Matchversion, like on Saturday when the main topic of conversation was that Chelsea v Arsenal game.
Jason Cundy and Chloe Everton were our hosts, Jason the former Chelsea player whose finest punditry moment so far was, possibly, his lavish praise of Harry Redknapp: “He’s made Darren Bent a better player, and that’s down to one word: man management.”
He was full of praise, too, for Arsene Wenger’s man management after Arsenal’s wacky triumph, although his efforts to discuss the matter with George in Weybridge were somewhat stymied.
George: “Can you hear me?”
Jason: “Yes I can George.”
George: “Can you hear me?”
Jason: “Yes, George.”
George: “The TV’s on, I can’t hear you properly.”
Jason: “Turn it down then.”
George: “I will in a minute.”
Jason: “That’s it.”
So, George was gone.
Next, Angus in Rugby, an Arsenal fan.
Angus: “I’m a very happy man.”
Jason” “You should be!”
Silence.
Angus: “Eh, go on.”
Jason: “You phoned me!”
Angus: “Oh. Yes.”
The chat with Ron in Basingstoke was a little more productive, although Ron, being a Chelsea fan, was a bit down in the dumps, seriously fretting about his team’s defensive frailties.
“To concede five? Well, it’s difficult to defend that,” said Jason, with not a hint of a giggle, and Ron agreed. “I felt sorry for John Terry after everything that happened this week,” said Ron. “I mean, I love the bloke to bits. I hope he gets through, you know. He’s John Terry, innit?”
Jason agreed. “He leads by example, doesn’t he?”
“Eh, yeah,” said Ron.
Robin in Stroud was just as down as Ron – and he’s an Arsenal fan. His mood darkened further when Jason pronounced Stroud “Stroud”. “Strood,” he corrected him. “Sorry, Strood,” said Jason, exchanging a glance with Chloe that said: “Well, it ain’t the bleedin’ Turin Shrood, is it?”
Robin: “I still fink Arsene Wenger should go.”
Jason: “You’re kidding me, Robin?”
Robin: “Simple reason. It’s the same philosophy as last year, it’s all attack football, we score goals – and let ’em in! What’s the point in scoring five goals like that and letting in free or four?!”
Jason: “Well . . .”
At this point Chloe felt compelled to intervene. “As long as you score more goals than you concede, you win the game,” she very politely pointed out, but Robin was ’aving none of it. Conceding those free, despite scoring five, had taken the steam out of his sails (Copyright: Ray Wilkins during yesterday’s Spurs v QPR game).
What Robin really needs to do is just savour this success, because it being Arsenal it’s likely to turn in to the shape of a pear any day soon. That’s how Sebastian Vettel is looking at things anyway, relishing his current Formula One supremacy because he knows there could be a speedier new kid just around the block.
“It’s funny, after my first pole position I got about 100 text messages, nowadays I get only four,” he told the BBC after his latest victory, a little saddened that all his mates just go “yawn, Seb won – again”.
This one was a little different, though, coming in India’s first ever Grand Prix, held on former farmland 25 miles away from Delhi (and the four million or so who live in the capital’s slums).
“How important is it that F1 gives something back to India,” Jake Humphreys asked, with an arrow-straight face. “It’s tremendously important,” said David Coulthard, “this has to be seen as more than just rich F1 teams and drivers going around in circles.”
In the end, 100,000 turned up to watch rich F1 teams and drivers going around in circles, some having paid €535 for the best seats, the cheapest priced at €40. Just a tad above the €4 Indian minimum wage. But Mr Bean and Eddie Jordan, kitted out in a traditional Indian shirty thing, enjoyed the experience, so that was the main thing.
As Jason might put it, you can only salute Bernie Ecclestone’s man management: another market conquered by Formula One – as ever, reaching out to the people.
