Dear Roe,
My older sister is in a relationship with a man who has never treated her particularly well – she complains endlessly about him but never ends the relationship as she is afraid to be single. She does not seem to love him nor it seems does he love her. I actually think they dislike one another. I feel sorry that she is not in a good relationship, but it is exhausting constantly being sounded out as to whether she should break up with him while knowing she has no intention of doing so. On top of that I am pretty sure she is having an affair with married man with three young children. I only know this as she tells me he has called over to her on his own, buys her gifts and jewellery and chocolates and I just sense there is more to it. It really upsets me she would do this both to herself and to that man’s family. None of it makes her happy but she loves drama so perhaps that is what drives this action. Should I ask her about it or is it just none of my business? I am married with two small children and have a comparatively simple, boring life. It’s putting a strain on our sister relationship.
I’ll get to your sister in a minute, but first, dear letter-writer, an important point for you: a life that isn’t centred on a bad relationship and a possible affair with a married man is not inherently “simple” or “boring”. I’m taking you at your word that your sister’s relationship isn’t abusive, just bad and dramatic. Drama isn’t inherently interesting – in fact, as you are experiencing through endlessly hearing about it, often it can be incredibly repetitive and dull. I say this to make sure that you don’t believe that because your sister’s relationships woes are currently taking up the majority of space and airtime in your relationship, that they are more important. They’re not. Your life matters, your feelings matter, and your current emotional exhaustion matters – even if your sister is currently somewhat oblivious to this fact. And because you, your life and your feelings matter, you are going to start putting some boundaries in place with your sister so that you reclaim some emotional energy, rebalance your dynamic, and preserve your relationship which is currently at risk.
With friends or relatives who are stuck in an endless loop of bad relationships and constantly complaining about these bad relationships, it can be easy for the roles in your relationship to become stuck, too. They become The Person With Drama and you become The Free Therapist. People who become The Free Therapist often do so because they’re trying to be supportive or get their friend/relative through a tough time. But if the tough time becomes endless, what was supposed to be a temporary act of support can transform into an unshifting pattern, and your relationship with each other starts to shrink down to those roles until there’s nothing else left. That is limiting, exhausting, dull and unsustainable, as neither of you get to enjoy each other as fully-rounded people any more.
Beauty & the Beast review: On the way home, younger audience members re-enact scenes. There’s no higher recommendation
Matt Cooper: I’m an only child. I’ve always been conscious of not having brothers or sisters
A Dublin scam: After more than 10 years in New York, nothing like this had ever happened to me
Patrick Freyne: I am becoming a demotivational speaker – let’s all have an averagely productive December
This sounds like what has happened here and it obviously needs to change. I will also flag immediately that if these roles have become particularly entrenched, changing the dynamic may take some time and patience and a reasserting of boundaries repeatedly. Reasserting these boundaries may also feel difficult, even mean. But setting boundaries that aim to preserve your relationship isn’t cruel; and simply reclaiming your time and right to be treated as a person by your sister is not in any way unreasonable or unkind.
The guilt of withdrawing endless free support can run deep, so we’re going to start by setting boundaries while also pointing your sister towards other forms of support – which she deserves. I’m sure you are an incredible listener and a supportive sister, but if she is staying in a terrible relationship, possibly engaging in affairs with married men and is terrified of being alone, those are issues beyond your jurisdiction. If she wants to change, she needs to start doing that work with a therapist, and it is okay and important to suggest that.
You can do so gently, while highlighting the issue of your stagnant dynamic. The next time she brings up her relationship woes, simply say: “This has been going on a long time and it’s obviously affecting you a lot. Us talking about it endlessly isn’t changing anything, and you deserve some help navigating this better. I think it’s time for a therapist who could help, can I help you find some good ones?” If she refuses, you can reassert more strongly, saying: “I love you and you deserve support, but this situation never changes and so I don’t feel helpful and I’m getting burned out talking about it. Someone with training will be able to listen and help in the ways you deserve.” If you can, help her with the admin by researching therapists who are affordable and available and help her set up an appointment.
[ My best friend is in love with me and I don’t know what to doOpens in new window ]
[ My boyfriend gets angry when I don’t have sex with himOpens in new window ]
She may or may not start therapy, but you can still set boundaries around your time, emotional relationship and energy at large. You can do this directly, indirectly, or a combination of both. If you want to address it directly, you can say: “I love you but we spend nearly all of our time talking about your relationship. You know how I feel and nothing seems to be changing, and so we’re just stuck in the same conversation, and we’re much more interesting than that! I’m here for you if anything really major happens, but I need us to find other ways to be with each other and enjoy each other’s company. So how about we go to dinner/talk about that great television show/sign up for a dance class together?” The suggestion to do something together is important – not only is it showing that you do genuinely value your relationship and are invested in it, but having fun together in different ways will remind her life is indeed more interesting and fun than the repeated cycle she’s in, and might remind her of the great qualities that are being squashed in her relationship, and what else life has to offer.
If, after this conversation, she continues to bring up the same issues, you can gently redirect her from the cycle by reacting differently. Instead of listening and pep-talking without limit, direct her towards action and solutions by asking her: “That sounds hard, so what are you going to do?” or “How are you going to address that?” This redirection will remind her that she has options and can make different choices. If she continues to complain past your limit, address it directly, saying: “We’ve talked about this a few times now and I’ve told you what think, and I can’t talk about it any more today. I’m sure your therapist will be more helpful at your next session. Did you watch the finale of The Last Of Us?”
These adjustments may take a while to work, and your sister may not like them initially. But remind both her and yourself that these boundaries aren’t designed to punish her, but to preserve your relationship in the long term.
Finally, please treat yourself and spend some quality time with people who appreciate you, listen to you, and make you feel interesting and worthy of support. You deserve it.