Dear Roe,
I recently found out that my boyfriend of eight months still talks to women on the dating app we met on. When I confronted him, he said he wasn’t cheating on me because he was only “talking” with people and never meets them, and only does it because he’s bored. He said he considers it the same as having a conversation with someone in the pub. I don’t have any proof that he has ever met anyone but I hate this.
Your boyfriend has a phone with dating app, which means he has a smartphone, which means he not only has the contact details of all the important people in his life, but he also has constant access to the internet with its literally endless information, articles, games, videos, audiobooks, online classes, volunteer opportunities and date night ideas.
He’s not using dating apps because he’s “bored”, he’s using them because he needs constant validation from women even while in the honeymoon phase of a new relationship. He’s not just going to a virtual pub, he’s going to a virtual singles’ bar where people talk with the specific intention of finding someone to date or have sex with. He also never mentioned his activities to you because he knows you wouldn’t be comfortable with it, which means he’s fine betraying your trust. This isn’t someone to stay with. Dump him.
I was with my ex for 2½ years and the last six months of it were a mess of arguments and massive mood swings where he’d be romantic and sweet and say that he loved me, to suddenly disappearing and giving me the silent treatment. When he finally ended it, he couldn’t tell me why and I felt so confused and alone. We ended six months ago and I know I should try start dating but I feel like I can’t even try start something with someone else without knowing what went wrong or what I could have done. I’m tempted to try meet up with him to try get some closure so I can start the new year with some certainty and try move on, but my friends all say it’s a bad idea.
You have fallen into the trap of a logical fallacy, believing that the person who couldn’t give you answers, clarity, honesty or respect while you were in a relationship will have magically become someone with the self-awareness, emotional intelligence and tenderness to give you those things now. The end of a relationship doesn’t magically transform someone into a better, more articulate or caring person, and going back to this person for answers is like returning to a well that’s been empty for a year and believing it will quench your thirst.
The hard truth is that no one can give you closure but yourself, so let your new start in 2024 begin by reclaiming your power. Remind yourself every day that you are a loving, big-hearted, sensitive person who has so much to bring to a relationship. Meanwhile, your ex is someone who could not meet someone he was with for more than two years with honesty, consistency, respectful communication, care or self-awareness. These are his issues, not yours, and you are not responsible for how he chose to behave. You’re looking to him for closure because you’re nervous about getting hurt again, but that’s a risk we all take when choosing to try to find love. But you have learned two important lessons that will keep you safer in your next relationships: you now know that you will not put up with such inconsistent and hurtful behaviour; and you know that you don’t need anything from your ex to move on with your life. Stop shrinking your future possibilities down to his size – there’s too much life to be living, and new loves to be embracing. Go get it.