Dear Roe,
I’ve been in a relationship for about five years with a guy I have a lot in common with. We have similar perspectives on life, we get on very well plus we work in the same company. The problem is his mother. She acts like a leech in relationship to her only son. She has her own income plus she also receives money from her ex (my boyfriend’s dad), even though they have been divorced for years. In addition, she overspends on personal beauty care and uses her son’s goodwill to support her extravagant lifestyle. As a result he is impoverished; unable to buy himself new clothes, unable to travel, unable to go on vacation. All because he spends his surplus income to support his mother’s narcissistic habits.
She uses all kinds of emotional strategies to get her way and I have run out of patience with her, and prefer not to have direct contact. He has already borrowed money from me on two occasions and hasn’t paid me back. His salary is higher than mine but is drained by her constant pleas for help financially. I feel frustrated and don’t know what to do. If I broach the subject we end up fighting. The result is we cannot build any future together and saving for a place of our own is out of the question. We are both in our early 30s, time is passing and although I love him I don’t know how long I can continue to endure this ridiculous situation.
You need to reframe this situation in your head. You write that “the problem is his mother” but she is not the problem in your relationship, and focusing your energy on her is a losing game. The problem is that your boyfriend’s budget, spending and lack of boundaries is affecting your relationship, leaving you unsatisfied and frustrated and unable to envision, let alone move towards, the future you want.
This may seem inaccurate to you or like it’s semantics, but the framing of this issue is important because it will define what parts of this issue you focus on and how you approach it. Right now, you are focusing on things that do not affect you and are, in some ways, none of your business.
Take your complaint that your partner’s mother is receiving money from her ex-husband. This doesn’t affect you and is none of your business. You don’t know whether there’s a legal obligation there, or a personal arrangement between the two, or a recognition of the ways she may have sacrificed professional advancement and the accompanying financial compensation by having children and raising a family, for example. The fact that your partner’s father gives his ex-wife money is not your concern. Neither is it your place to decide that this woman “overspends” on certain products. Her beauty routine does not affect you, you do not get to decide how an adult woman spends her money, and her buying whatever lotions and potions she likes does not impact your life.
What is your business and what does impact your life is how your boyfriend spends his money, how he spends your money, how he budgets for your lives together, whether your financial goals and attitudes are aligned, and whether you share a compatible vision of the future and are both committed to moving towards it.
You may think that because she is the underlying factor affecting all the above issues, she is the issue that needs to be tackled. But focusing on her is always going to derail your conversations, and I’m not surprised that you and your boyfriend end up fighting. I don’t know what your boyfriend’s relationship with his mother is; what sense of duty or obligation or guilt or something else compels him to give her money he cannot afford to part with. Relationships are complicated, however, and emotions run deep. Attacking his mother and her spending patterns is simply going to make him want to defend her and make him retreat into his desire to protect her.
Focus on your relationship now and your vision for the future. Right now, your partner has taken money from you and has not returned it. His budgeting choices mean that his finances are strained, which means you cannot have experiences together, such as booking holidays. Are there other impacts, such as your ability to socialise or your living arrangements?
Then there is the issue of your future. You want a place of your own and don’t feel like that is possible given your boyfriend’s financial situation. What else about your future feels in jeopardy? Do you want to travel, have children, have a retirement fund, have savings that make you feel safe and secure and give you options?
Think about what you want from a relationship and how you envision the future. Focus on what is genuinely important to you, which means not getting distracted by small stuff but not compromising on what is important to you. Ask your boyfriend to do the same, telling him that you’d like to have an honest, respectful and open-minded conversation. Schedule some uninterrupted time together and agree in advance that you are both going to listen to each other, and you are going to try address any issues as a team, rather than attacking each other.
In this conversation, focus on “I” statements, being clear on how you feel and what you want from the future. Do not bring up his mother, instead addressing this as a budgeting issue and the ways it is affecting you. Then ask your boyfriend how he feels and what he wants to do. For example, say: “I would like to be able to go on holidays together. Not being able to budget for that makes me feel like we’re missing out on important quality time together and new experiences. How do you feel about that, and do you think it’s something we can tackle? How?” When it comes to your future, take a similar approach, and ask him how he sees you moving towards your shared goals together.
If he is unable to come up with a plan that feels realistic and aligned with your goals, then you can tell him that his financial choices are not prioritising your relationship or future together, and ask whether he wants to change that. If he brings up his mother, keep your statements calm and factual, focusing on the fact that he is giving away money in ways that are negatively impacting your shared life and relationship, and this situation can only change if he is willing to drastically change his budget and his boundaries with his mother.
If he is willing to change his situation, he needs to come up with a plan and take immediate steps, which may involve speaking with a therapist and a financial adviser and then coming up with a careful plan to speak with his mother (which may involve getting her some budgeting and financial advice, too.) If he is unwilling to change how he’s operating right now or isn’t willing or able to commit to a plan to change, then your priorities and ideas for the future are no longer compatible.
It sounds like you’ve been postponing a lot of your dreams and goals. Think about what’s important to you and what you need from a relationship to get you there.